Vent book ( TW )

so yeah (sh and $uicide mentions)

Idk why but everytime the smallest thing goes wrong, i wanna sh again. Like i got into a fight with my mum today and i just wanted to. I didnt, but i really wanted to and idk its just like "oh your upset? Just sh, it will make it go away" and its so annoying. Also, in like march or something, i cant remember what the convo was about but my mum said something like "when you had that little, short period of doing sh" and like idk that just annoyed me so much. She said it as such a boring comment, like it wasnt that big of a deal, which in the grand scheme of things it really wasnt, but to me it mattered. Like, i sh almost every night for like two months, then at least once a week fo4 the next two monthes. I wouldnt call that a "little short period of sh". Ive been clean for ages now, but still my mental health is a mess. Sometimes im like YAS LIFE IS SO AMAZING WOO, but sometimes im like i wish i had died back in november. I didnt exactly try to commit but when i learnt abt how cutting to deep near major veins could kill you, i use to specifically do it there, in an attempt to kill myself from blood loss. 

Also sometimes im like, hell nah i dont need to date someone thats pointless, i need to focus on school BUT BRO IM SO FUCKING LONLEY ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY ANYMORE I JUST NEED SOMEONE, EVEN JUST A FRIEND THAT I CRUSH ON IDC WHO.

Also i cant tell if everyones just got more annoying or if im just getting more annoyed at things, but sometimes i get so angry at my friends for small things. Then, i have a small outburst, the friend gets defensive, i feel bad but pretend i dont and the cycle repeats.