Battle of Fear and Trust

More Cold Truths

I sat on the couch reading a book Mother and Father got me for Christmas a few days ago. It's a good thing Christmas is over; I'm not sure I could take much more of it. At least my family has stopped asking me why I was upset last week. My heart still aches thinking about what Jadis said. Part of me wants to believe it's a lie, but that's just wishful thinking and what point is there in wishful thinking when it's only based on what I hope is true and not real facts.

It was foolish to believe I was truly one of his chosen. I should have known that the other world was meant for my siblings and not... There's no point in thinking about it now, it's not going to change the fact that I was exiled from a world made by someone who only pretended to love me. I feel a tear roll down my cheek. Is there any way to get over this?

"You didn't have those thoughts when you were at that party," Jadis tells me.

No, I smile remembering how everyone looked at me in awe, as Cindy announced my entrance. How everyone wanted to be my friend, and they complimented my outfit. The whole time I felt like I was hosting my birthday ball in Cair Paravel, but even better since I was so beautiful. Truly it's better than anything I got in that other world.

But I haven't been to a party since the holidays started, and I wonder if Cindy still considers me to be one of her friends or has decided I wasn't worth her time. After all, before the holidays Cindy had me give her my address and said she'd send me an invitation for a party that was supposed to be at the end of the holidays. Yet the holidays are more than half over and I haven't gotten any word on any party. Maybe it's not coming at all, surely she could tell from my address that I don't live in a fancy house and I'm not as rich as she thinks. Would that make her change her mind about inviting me?

I sigh. Is it possible I'm still the nobody I was a year ago? Will I ever rise above my current social status in this world, or am I destined to be powerless? I wonder, hearing laughter and I see Peter, Edmund, Lucy, and Eustace walk through the front door.

"At least I made it once around the rink," Eustace says while they hang up their coats and put away their ice skates.

"It's alright," Lucy says.

"And it's one more than Ed," Peter adds, and I notice a stack of letters in his hand

"Hey, it's not my fault you had big feet when you were my age, I was lucky these skates didn't fall off," Edmund says as he sets the skates that, like almost everything else Edmund owns, used to belong to Peter. And most of Lucy's things were mine, yet another sign of my family's wealth. No wonder I haven't gotten an invitation.

"Hey Su, are Mum and Dad around?" Peter asks.

"Mum and Dad are at the market," I tell him before returning to my book. I'm not in the mood to talk to them, though I'm not sure why. I do love my siblings and Eustace is alright, but every time when it's just the five of us the conversation always leads to the other world.

"Alright, I'll give them these later," Peter says as he sits down next to me and starts looking through the letters. Lucy sits next to him.

"Have you gotten anything yet?" she asks, as he continues looking through them and Eustace sits down next to Lucy.

"You're expecting a letter?" I ask.

"Yes, I applied to some universities. I'm hoping to hear back from them," he tells me

"Right," I say, before returning to my book. Suddenly it hits me that Peter is almost done with school and will be moving on to a university soon. It seems like everything's moving too quickly for me to catch up, and not just in this world. I think to myself, remembering what Lucy told me a few days ago about Caspian's dying of old age, though it's only been a little over a year since we helped him regain the throne when he was no older than us, and when we came to help him, over a thousand years passed there and it was only a year for us. It makes it really hard to enjoy things, knowing it won't be long before it's over, or it's taken away from you. Just thinking about it makes me shiver.