Battle of Fear and Trust

Susan's Choice

I stand in Polly's front yard as the snow falls softly to the earth. I feel the cold air brush my cheek. My arms wrapped around my middle to keep warm, not that there was any point in trying to be warm. I tell myself while watching the snow. I don't want to be here, why did I tell Peter I would come here?

"You could just leave now, and they won't even notice," Jadis says softly in my ear.

"I don't want to upset my family," I tell her, feeling my voice shake.

"Haven't they already upset you, by making you come to this party?"

"Stop it!"

"Are you alright Susan?" I jump and turn to see Edmund standing by the door.

"Yes, I'm fine." I force a smile. As he looks around the yard.

"Is there someone else out here with you?" He asks

"No,"

"Then who were you talking to?" My eyes widened. Did he hear me talking to Jadis? I didn't even realize I said anything out loud. I can hear my heart pounding at the thought of any of them finding out.

"Nobody, Edmund, we're the only ones out here. How could I possibly be talking to someone else?" I tell him with a smile. Hopefully, this stops him from asking any more questions.

"What are you doing out here?"

"I just wanted to be outside for a moment, to think." Away from everyone else, I add to myself. I don't want him to know how much I don't want to be here.

"It's warmer inside," he says, still suspicious of my actions.

"Yes, well, I'm watching the snowfall. It's quite beautiful," I say to him.

"Well maybe at first, but it can also be pretty deadly," he says quietly. we stay silent for a moment; I shouldn't have said that. I know how much this season reminds him of her, and how he betrayed us for what used to be his favorite sweet. Not that I've ever seen him as a traitor, just my little brother who went after something he really wanted. Which, now that I think about it, doesn't sound like such a bad thing.

"I'm sorry Edmund, I wasn't thinking," I say.

"It's alright, the winter doesn't bother me here as much as it used to, and besides, she is long gone now," he says.

"Of course." I turn away from him, knowing that it wasn't true, and I don't want to give him any more reminders of what happened. Although the more I think about his betrayal the more I wonder what must have gone through his mind when he decided to leave the Beavers. Was it because he was angry with Peter? Or maybe all the things Jadis promised him seemed so good at the time that it didn't matter what anyone else said about her? He was still planning on leaving us to get what he had been longing for since he had first met the Queen.

"Are you still going to that party later?"

"Yes Ed, I'm not going to miss it for anything." Maybe we're not so different from each other, Edmund, I say to myself. Maybe I should... No, I can't turn my back on them, I can't put Peter and Lucy through that again, and I don't want Ed to go through it. "But I won't leave until we're done here and not a minute sooner," I tell him, trying to get the previous idea out of my head.

"Right," he says, with a confused look on his face. I look back to watch the wind blow the snow across the yard. It makes me shiver. I know Edmund sees that there is something going on with me, but if he finds out, he'll try to find a way to get her out, and I'm not sure if I want that anymore.

"Hi Edmund, have you seen Susan..." I turn to see Eustace's friend standing next to Ed. "Oh, Susan," she says before walking towards me. "Could you teach me about archery? Lucy was telling me about how you're good with a bow and I'd really like to learn all about it for my next trip to Narnia." Chills run down my spine as she talks about another trip, almost making me reconsider my previous thoughts.