Battle of Fear and Trust

Learning to Trust

I open my eyes to see the wooden floor of the church. I take a few slow breaths. The cold that I felt just moments ago, was quickly fading and being replaced by something warm, as though it was the first day of spring. It's a lovely feeling after being cold for so long. She must be gone. I smile, finally after so many years I'm free from her and it's all thanks to...

I see a large figure sitting in the light of the windows. My heart pounds as I look at his gold mane, shining in the light. I see his eyes are filled with a kind of joy, like he'd been waiting for this moment. It was a Joy that was greater than any kind of power or glamour that the witch had tempted me with. It was the kind of Joy I used to have a long time ago, Joy I wish I could have again.

I ducked my head, unable to meet those eyes. My tears fall to the floor as I hear him come closer to me; I can now see his paws right in front of me. I squeeze my eyes shut, my mind consumed with memories of the eight years thinking he had abandoned me to this world. Seven of those years I spent my time rejecting him and maybe even hating him, yet he was still here, he'd still saved me. I should have known he'd save me; Peter, and Edmund had known he would.

"Beloved, why do you hide your face from me?" he asks, as I let out another sob, wanting nothing more than to bury my face in his mane, but after everything...

"Aslan" I say looking at his paws. "I was angry with you and I... mocked you for the last seven years." I cry, studying his golden paws that could easily tear me apart in seconds, or just as easily protect me. "I don't deserve to look at you."

"Are you not my beloved queen?" He asks.

"Maybe I was, a long time ago, in Narnia. Now... I've done so much; I made a deal with the same Witch who killed you on the Stone Table and I hurt so many people. Even worse, when the Witch said you didn't love me, I... believed her," I should say more. I want to say how I should have listened to him long ago when he wanted to chase away the last of my fears. Maybe then wouldn't have believed her. Though I know he wouldn't be here if he didn't love me and, with him here, I can't see why I would have believed otherwise.

"Susan," Aslan says gently, and I look up and into his warm eyes. He didn't look at me with anger or any kind of disappointment, even though he had every right to be angry with me. Instead, his eyes were so inviting, it was as though everything I've done in the last eight years were forgotten. He was just happy to see me again. "No matter what world you're in, my love for you will never change."

"Yes, I see that now," Though I should have known all along, I add to myself. If I had, then I wouldn't have made a deal with her. I wouldn't have become so cold, I wouldn't become like... "Aslan, am I like her? I mean, some of the things I've done were because of the Witch, but I've done more harm by my own actions." My heart aches just thinking of the hurt I've seen in so many faces.

"There is no comparison between you and the Witch, my daughter. Your willingness to love others and your caring nature are only some of the things Jadis never understood about you. She may have tried to make you like herself, but even when she froze your heart, she could not remove your ability to love and to see love in others."

Of course, that's why I was able to tell that Peter and Edmund cared about me and how I loved... I lower my gaze once more.

"Is there's more you'd like to know, my child?" He asks after a moment of silence.

"My family, Aslan?" I ask as a tear makes its way down my cheek. I want to say more, I want to know why they had to die and why I'm left here alone, but the words only turn into tears. I look up into his eyes to see if they hold any answers, but all I see is that he understands my pain, yet there is also a glimmer of hope in his eyes.

"Nothing is certain, Susan. Even the world you knew as Narnia has passed away." My eyes widen as my heart sinks, I take a deep breath to calm myself as more tears fall. Is it not bad enough to know that my family and the rest of the Friends of Narnia are dead, but to know that Narnia itself is... gone? Why must I suffer so much loss? "But do not let it distress you, child. Though they are gone from here, they now live elsewhere," Aslan says.

"Are they in your country?" I ask, remembering that I'd heard about it long ago; how it was a place beyond the end of the world, or I guess in this world it would be known as Heaven. I've heard that it was a place of pure joy where the deceased lived on. I used to dream of going there, but I was never sure if it truly existed.

"Yes Susan." My tears stop as I picture them all dancing in his fields and having the merriest of times. His Country must be a beautiful place, probably even better than Narnia on its loveliest day. Now my siblings, parents and the rest of the friends of Narnia get to stay there forever. They must be happy there.

"Can I go there Aslan, just to see them?" I ask softly, though after listening to the witch and rejecting him I don't deserve to go to such a place.

"One day, you shall join them, and there will be great rejoicing on that day. However, I cannot take you there now; your time has not yet come." He tells me as I lower my gaze to the floor.

"But what do I have left in this world?" I ask. "All the family I had is gone."

"Not all of them, you still have one sister and an aunt and an uncle who have lost just as much as you have and still more family you have yet to discover."

"You mean Eustace's parents and Nancy." I groan saying her name. I know I shouldn't be angry with any of them, but my Aunt and Uncle have never shown any interest in me and Nancy...why does Aslan even bring her up? It's not like she's married to Peter anymore.

"Susan, your friend has shown you and your family great love and she made a covenant with your brother. In doing so, she became one with him and became a member of your family. Although the marriage was short and has ended, she is still a member of your family and needs comfort now. Though they won't show it, your Aunt and Uncle are in great pain and even if they won't accept my help or even yours, they still need it." I listen to Aslan, sighing as he finishes speaking.

He's right, I should help them. My Aunt and Uncle are horrid and set in their ways, but at the same time I haven't been the most pleasant person to be around, and they did just lose their only child. As for Nancy, well, she did just lose her husband. I've spent so much time thinking about my own pain that I forgot that I'm not the only one who's suffered a loss.

"I will, Aslan," I tell him.

"I know you will, my daughter. Just remember that I am with you and will never leave you, dearly beloved," he answers. I smile, feeling my heart leap with joy and I find myself doing what I've been wanting to do for years. I stand up and throw my arms around Aslan, burying my face in his mane.

"I won't forget this time," I tell him as I listen to him purr. For the first time in years, I feel whole.