I take a step closer toward the woman that had every reason to be concerned with her husband's whereabouts. But I can't do anything at the moment to make it better for either of us.
"Why are you in my room rather than in his room then," I say moving towards the hairbrush I left on the dresser. I try to do anything to ensure she can't expect me even though I know that if she thought I was innocent; she wouldn't be here.
"You obviously have a hold over him...I am not that dumb," Lyn-Z says.
I stop brushing my hair, feeling the defensive nature evoked in me. Maybe it was guilt, maybe it was my anxiety, but anger built up. Maybe it was how she has always treated me inferior to her and Gerard like I was just a piece of disposable trash.
"Look. I know that you don't like me. I have known this for the whole time that I have been with the band," I say moving closer to her. I can't let her know that she is absolutely right, and I can't let the guilt show at this moment.
"I work for them, I have to spend time with them. Your husband and I doing my job has nothing to do with how I feel about him. If I am being honest whenever I had to be in his presence he was the worst human in the world and I didn't understand how you could even be with someone like that," I say.
And I feel like a part of me was talking a therapist. Because all of that was true. He was horrible, he treated me like the gum under his foot, and no matter what I felt I had to take his shit.
I see her chew on the inside of her cheeks and I breathe heavily after exploding that out of me. As soon as I said it, I wanted to take it back. As much as I hate this woman, I feel for her feeling the fact that her relationship is crumbling apart. She married him for a reason and had a kid with him for a reason. Call it a curse of having a fucking heart.
"I am uh...sorry. I-I shouldn't have accused you. I'll just go," she says quickly standing up and looking down at her feet as she walks.
It is the first time I have ever seen Lindsey actually be somewhat human. And it pulls at my heartstrings more. To think what she is going through, KNOWING that her utter instincts are true and she was right but my words made her unsure why she thought them.
I start to regret all of it. Even if she was the worst human to me, even what I felt or feel towards Gerard. I did what I did; KNOWING what their circumstances were. I was an utter whore and an ulterer in their relationship. My veins are burning inside of me with this feeling.
Throuhgout my whole life, I have always wanted to be loved. To be wanted, and I guess I went about it the wrong way. Gerard was with her from the moment that I have known him, even if they were quick into their relationship. There had to be passion in between them to become that quick and heavy. And is exactly what Gerard and I were at this moment. Quick and heavy it makes me question if Gerard tricked her into the same emotions that I am feeling towards him in this moment.
That you are willing to risk everything; your job, your lively hood. What would I do if we weren't careful and I got pregnant, how could I even tell him let along anyone that we knew. She had a reason to be with him....I don't. I am nothing, and everyone around me tried to warn me; I didn't listen.
"Lin," I say before she reached for the door and it opens to another person on the other side.
"Sorry Mikey," Lyn-Z says passing by him with her head down. I stood there frozen as Mikey's gaze watches her walk down the hall before he looks towards me and then back at her.
"Am I high," Mikey says rubbing his eye before looking back down the hall.
I just pull Mikey into the room and tell him what just happened.
