LOTF: Before and After

Phase 3: Chapter 44

Over a month after Jack disappeared from the Merridew house the morning after his mother had showed up on their doorstep, Ralph had long stopped wondering what Jack's life was like as a teenage runaway. For weeks, it was all he thought about. But eventually, he bored himself with the what-ifs and wonderings of what it was like to run away and stay away. Jack had enough connections through the academy to stay away for months, if need be. Ralph drove himself mad imagining Jack taking the real world by storm, too young, too stupid, too Jack to make any sensible decisions.

Ralph begun to shake his head violently when he'd start to wonder if Jack might wind up sleeping around with someone or many someones in his voyage as a runaway. He was probably sleeping on countless couches, in the houses of countless people Ralph couldn't know; friends who if he was feeling lonely enough, could suffice for the meaningless purpose of physical relief. Ralph didn't want to think about that, but he did, because he knew Jack. Jack was the type of person who could probably sleep with girls and boys alike without feeling a goddamn thing for the other person. Everything could be made into a vindictive, empty game with Jack. And of course, Jack would always come out the winner; careless and indifferent to anyone he might hurt in the process.

After freeing his mind of whatever Jack's plan could be to stay out of Dalton, Ralph focused on distracting himself from the pain, freeing his mind of any and all reminders of Jack Merridew. Mostly, that came in the form of video games, and occasionally TV and movies. Video games worked best simply because they required a level of focus that would better distract him. He was becoming one of those teenagers who were obsessed with video games, playing for hours and hours on end. Laurie talked to her doctor about it and was regretfully informed that teenagers often fell victim to video game addictions for all kinds of reasons. She hated that she could barely get Ralph to say more than two words to her at a time; envious of the games that encompassed his full attention for ridiculously long periods of time.

Ralph was, of course, mindlessly playing a MarioKart game on his Super Nintendo system when his mother entered the living room, the phone ringing in the background of loud volume Ralph had set the TV at.

"Were you planning on getting that?" Laurie practically had to shout to her son, an annoyed look on her face.

Ralph mumbled an inaudible groan as he shrugged, his most common response to questions and comments of all kinds these days.

"Hello, Laurie speaking" she answered the phone as she brought it with her into the kitchen, a basket of dirty clothes ready to be taken downstairs to the laundry corner on her hip.

Ralph started to tune her out as he refocused his attention back on the game in front of him, his fingers cramping from hours of maneuvering the buttons on his controller.

"Paige! Yes, of course. Jeffery and I have been thinking about it a lot" Laurie added after a few minutes.

Ralph felt a pang of adrenaline shoot through his veins, from his chest all the way down to his limbs at the sound of the Merridew girl's name.

"Really?" Laurie's surprised voice added as Ralph unnoticeably eavesdropped, but continued to play the game. "Wow! I'm so happy to hear that... It's been too long, I'm sure... Yes, absolutely... That isn't what you were expecting, was it? .... Of course... A relief either way, I'd assume... They both had a break from it all, so I'd hope that things would be better now, yes? .... We'll have to see then... Alright, I'll be sure to do that... Of course... Thank you for the call, hon... Okay, bye."

Ralph recentered his focus back on the game the very moment his mother hung up the phone. He tried to hide his interest as she sat down on the arm rest of the couch, her laundry basket in her lap. She watched Ralph play for a minute or two before she spoke.

"So that was Paige on the phone... Jack's sister" she began to say, studying Ralph intently for a reaction. But he stayed still, as if he hadn't heard her speak at all.

"Jack's home now" Laurie continued to explain anyway. "They found him yesterday, at a friend's house, she said. Isn't that good to hear, Ralph?"

The boy remained intently focused on his game, failing to give his mother any indication that he heard her. She sighed heavily to herself as she stood back up and headed downstairs without another word. She wasn't sure how much more of Ralph's unending dissociation she could take.

Later that night, Ralph laid on his bedroom floor and stared up at the glowing stars on the ceiling. Jack had gone on a couple times about how long it must've taken to get them up there, and how cool it was to have his very own starry night sky to look up at every night, a constant reminder that someone thought Ralph was worth hanging stars in the sky for. Ralph's heart pounded aggressively in his chest as he looked at them now, remembering what it felt like to watch them as Jack's figure laid atop his own, planting a fury of kisses across his face, neck, and upper chest. He could hear the horrible sound of his own voice, giggling like an overjoyed child, as Jack's quick movements created a desperate, errotic urgency in Ralph's body and mind.

Ralph stood up and hurried over to the light switch, flipping it on to drown out the glow of the stars overhead. He laid back down on the floor, the blinding fluorescent bulb dimming the absent light of the stars. But Ralph continued to stare at them. It wasn't enough. He got back up, threw his bedroom door open violently and stomped into the kitchen. He dragged a tall bar stool from the other side of the counter and propped it up in front of the fridge, using it to boost himself up. He rummaged through the toolbox that sat on top until he found the paint scraper. He climbed down, dragging the stool behind him, and returned to his room. Ralph propped the stool up in the middle of his room, climbed up, and started scraping at the plastic stars, scraping until every one in his reach had fallen sadly to the floor around him.

Ralph jumped down and tossed the scraper at the wall before kicking the stool down onto its side. He glanced down at the little fallen stars around him, and then up at the empty spot on the otherwise star covered ceiling. He felt a fit of rage piercing through his body as he thought about the tainted memories that he had of this room. He sunk down to his knees on the floor, grasping a handful of stars in his hand. He squeezed the six or seven he'd picked up tightly between his palm and fingers until it hurt so much, he had to let go. When he pried his hand open, the semi-sharp corners of a few stars were painted in blood. Ralph's hand stung, several little incisions were scattered across his throbbing palm, and along a select few of his fingers. He wanted to squeeze them again, draw more blood, but it hurt too much. He couldn't do it. Instead he just shook the stars off his hand, and stared at the traces of blood on his palm, oozing out from the little, shallow wounds.

Ralph stared and stared at his hand until the blood dried, thoughts of Jack in this room with him, and of his apparent recent return back home to Dalton, consuming his mind. He'd gotten good at tuning these thoughts out, of sleeping through the night, of doing any and everything he could think of to distract himself from the memory of Jack Merridew. But that phone call; that stupid phone call his mom had with Paige earlier in the evening hit him like a tsunami, and Ralph had only been prepared to protect himself from much smaller waves.

Ralph finally stood up as the blood dried on his palm, and stepped through the disarray of fallen stars on his bedroom floor. And for the first time since before the island, Ralph climbed into his bed to go to sleep. He didn't get under the covers, and he tossed the pillow to the floor. But he stayed there, angered thoughts and memories bringing on a mild headache, until he finally drifted off.