The Sub Rosa [Completed]

Chapter 13

Mom never leaves my side when I'm not myself for the whole two weeks! It was like I was barely getting out of my mind. I've been thinking about so many things that kept me awake. 
 
She will always knock on my door, asking me if I'm alright because I often lock myself in my room. I couldn't sleep... I was having a hard time putting myself to bed.
 
All I want is to be alone, turn off the light, and cover myself in very thick sheets of comforter. I want to hide from everybody. 

Whenever I fall asleep, I am always woken up by a nightmare that I've been trying to get out of my head. That shit made me so miserable and anxious. 

It made me scared to the point where I started checking every corner of my room for any possible cameras or any device that could capture and tape my actions. Para akong nababaliw pagkatapos dahil hindi ko kinakaya ang mga naiisip kaya umiiyak ako.

Kung bakit ayaw ko nang lumabas at magpakita sa tao bukod sa aking pamilya ay dahil natatakot akong baka kumalat na ang mga videos namin. Hindi ko narin kayang titigan ang sarili sa harap ng salamin na walang pandidiri at pagkapahiya sa buong pagkatao.

Nagmahal lang naman ako...

Binigay ko nga ang lahat lahat sa akin, na sa puntong naghabol pa ako. Pumayag sa arrangement na apat kami, been engaged to them then finding out that all of it was a lie! Walang katotohanan sa lahat ng nangyayari sa pagitan naming apat.

Hindi ko lang matanggap na napakasakit ng ganti nila. Yung tipong nanuot ang sakit sagad hanggang buto. They made me believe that they loved me, and what's worse is that they filmed everything about it. 

Marami akong kabaliwan sa buhay but never in my life I'd film myself or them while having sexual intercourse! Lalo Wala palang consent sa tao! Galit ako kasi parang nilaro nila yung katawan ko. Wala akong kaalam alam na sa tuwing may mangyayari saming apat na vi-video pala.

I dropped out of school because I was scared of them uploading it to all the different platforms of social sites. My father wasn't perfect; he does bad and cruel things, but as his daughter, who never took part in his crimes, I don't think I deserve all of this.

Minsan pagnakakalimutan kong isara ang lock ng pinto my mom would barge in at makikita niyang tulala lang ako.

So I decided to come out of my room, so she won't worry too much. Hindi ako nag kwento o nagsabi ng kahit ano sa mom ko.

Pinili kong dibdibin lahat. Lahat kasi ng tao sa paligid marami ring problems so bakit dadagdag pa ako?

"I can drive you to town if you want, Hija." Tanghali na at kumakain kami ngayon ng mom ko. Maganda ang panahon kaya nagpaalam akong lumabas saglit.

Hindi ko na alam ang pasikot sikot rito sa Switzerland kaya mainim ang magpahatid nalang sa bayan.

"Sure po.. Can visit Dad?" Tahimik kong pinaglaruan ang mga daliri baka hindi ako payagan ni mom. Annulled na silang dalawa ni Dad, though they were both okay with it, still affected parin ako. Hindi na sguro maiaalis. 

Mom can no longer cover the rumors of Dad having an affair with a 17 or 18 year old girl. He got Arsinoe pregnant as a reason for Mom to finally split up with and annul Dad.  Wala namang tama sa kanilang dalawa dahil mom have boyfriend right now.

She was happy after getting out of their marriage. Sometimes I cannot accept it, but it's the reality; you wouldn't want to stay in a loveless marriage. They both moved on and have different lives now.
 
Sa mga naniniwala na masyadong inlove ang parents ko sa isa't Isa noon, well palabas lang lahat iyon for publicity because dad was a governor. Mabango kasi sa madla kung ang isang politiko ay matagal na sila ng kaniyang asawa, para bang ang dating sa kanila ay malinis at walang niloloko.