Her's Now, and Forever

~ Chapter 17 ~

TW FOR SH AND INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS

{ Thea's POV }

Kamilia has been completely silent and isolated these past few days. I haven't heard back from her at all, she hasn't answered my calls or texts either. I know her mental health can get really bad, she has anxiety and struggles with depression sometimes. I'm really worried for her, and that's why I decided to go to her house. She gave me a key to her house so I might as well use it. I thought this whole thing over the car trip, I hope she isn't mad I come in.

I unlock the door and walk in, the first thing I notice is how messy her apartment is. Usually, it's a lot cleaner but now there's just dirty dishes all stacked up, trash on the floor. I enter the living room and look around, she's not in the kitchen either. Milk wakes up and greets me with a meow though . . .

"Hi buddy! Can you show me where your owner is?" I pet her fur and she purred, then started to walk off towards the bathroom. She pawed against the door and I could hear cries coming from the other side.

"Kamilia, is that you? Are you okay?" I didn't get a reply, she just cried more and more. I tried to open the door but it was locked.

"I'm worried about you, please open the door?" I said weakily, at this point I was pleading with her.

She unlocked the door and I saw her puffy red eyes. I just hugged her really tightly for a couple minutes as she cried on my shoulder.

"Can you tell me what's wrong?" I pleaded, it had to be really bad for her to isolate herself like this.

"Wose yellz a-at m for boderin hews an say I needy an nnoyin." Kamilia whined and cried some more, I know when she get's really upset she slips so I felt especially worried. I wasn't surprised that conflict with Rose triggered this, but I'm surprised she'd say something like that? Kamilia has been head over heels for that girl and always telling me how sweet she is.

"No no, you're not needy or annoying baby. Rose shouldn't have yelled at you at all, I'm so sorry she did that. Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault." I rubbed her back and sat her against the wall afterwards.

"Buh buh I badz she fink I needy I too much it aww m fault Tia!" She sobbed into her hands and all I could do was hold her, I didn't know how else to help.

"No, it's not your fault. Having basic needs and boundaries isn't needy, and her opinion of you doesn't matter. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?" She sniffled and nodded.

"Sprinklz peas!" She said in a shakey voice.

I quickly ran out of the bathroom, careful not to trip on any trash or hit a wall. Once I was in her bedroom, I looked around. Her bedroom was just a mess, there was trash, dirty laundry, and things all over her room. Her bed wasn't made and it just looked very depressing in there. I was trying to find Sprinkles but I wasn't sure how I'd find her in this mess.

{ Kamilia's POV }

I felt bad about bothering Thea, she shouldn't have come over here. She was probably busy or had better things to be doing. I'm so selfish, I'm so needy, I'm so annoying, clingy. I don't deserve people to care about me. Everything in my head was so loud, all the thoughts. It was so overwhelming, I felt like I was drowning. My head hurt, I had so many bad voices screaming at me.

You should cut yourself

Nobody likes you

You deserved to be yelled at

You bother everyone around you

Rose wants you to hurt yourself

I just wanted them to stop, I didn't want them to continue. I couldn't make them stop, they wouldn't go quiet. Maybe if I cut myself they'd be quiet? Yeah, yeah it'll make the bad thoughts go away and I'll feel good again. No more sadness, no more hurt, no more pain, it'll all be gone, right?

I stood up and looked in my cabinet, I know I always keep spare razor blades there. I've been clean for almost 5 years but . . . I just want it to stop. I looked at the stack of razor blades there for a long time, eventually I decided to take one and I sat back down against the wall. I held the razor blade in my right hand, and moved my left arm so I could cut. I was about to when . . .

"Kamilia what the fuck!" Thea dropped Sprinkles and rushed to me with a worried look on her face, she took the razor out my hand and threw it  away. She held my shoulder with a sad look on her face.

"Why? You've been clean so long, I'm not letting you do this to yourself." I could tell she was trying to be strong for me, but I saw tears coming out of her eyes too. 

"Bad toughtz nu go ways an dey tells m cut an cut mak dem go bye bye." I sniffled and made grabby hands towards Sprinkles. I hated impure regression, I'm not fully in littlespace but I'm not fully big, but I still have my big thoughts.

Thea moved to pick up Sprinkles and give her to me, I hugged her really really tight. I squished her with my hugs hoping it would help with the urges. 

"The thoughts are wrong, please don't listen to them. Listen to me Kamilia, I'm your best friend and I'd never lie to you, so please please don't listen to the thoughts." She squeezed my hand tight and I sobbed a little.

"Buh buh dey says dah I boder ou anz I selfish fors ou b hewe." 

"No, of course not! Kamilia I came here because I love you and I care about you. You could never ever ever bother me and you're not selfish. You're never selfish for struggling and needing help." She grabbed my shoulders and hugged me.

"Tayz m sowi Tia." I whined and hugged her back.

"Don't be sorry, it's okay. I know it's really hard to realize stuff like that sometimes. I think you're so strong for dealing with all of this, but please know you don't have to go through this alone okay? I'm here for you, just call me. I'm serious Kamilia, I don't want anything bad happening to my bestie and you're always here for me, I'd never hesitate to do the same."

Thea just held me for a long time as we talked. Even though I was little, I had a lot of pain that I told her about. She listened to every word I had to say, she didn't interrupt me once. She just comforted me and made sure I was okay. It was like that for an hour, when she holding me really tight the bad thoughts weren't so bad. I calmed down and I wasn't feeling so little anymore. Afterwards she ended up helping me clean my apartment. It took 2 hours, but when we were done the apartment looked so much better. We took a shower together and I felt so much better afterwards.

We were sat on the couch doing our own thing, just playing my comfort tv shows in the back ground. She decided to call Jamie and tell him that she's staying the night here just to make sure I'll be okay and I don't hurt myself.

I looked over at her, she was on her phone, "Hey Thea?" 

"Yes Kamilia?" She looked up from her phone.

"Uhm, thank you. I really appreciate you helping me and you caring in general." I said softly, my voice was kinda hoarse from all the crying, but what I said was true. It was genuine, from the bottom of my heart I really meant it. 

"You're welcome, you're my bestie of course I'd do these things for you." She kissed my cheek and we cuddled.

Despite how bad of a cook Thea is, she cooked a simple dinner for me after she found out I haven't eaten today. Then, the whole night she pampered me and did my skin care, nails, we even played games together. By the end of it, I was completely distracted and I forgotten about what happened earlier. I had such a good time and she really boosted my mood. 

We were both snuggled in my bed and we drifted off to sleep, Milk sleeping at the foot of the bed.