Like a moth drawn to a flame

the gaze

* Luisa*

The meeting was exactly what I was used to from Seb. He was well prepared, structured and knew exactly what he wanted from us. He calmly read through my notes on the set-ups and wrote things in the margin here and there, while we discussed the set-up for Carlos at the same time.

By the end of the meeting, we had laid a good foundation for what we would need during the season.

Starting tomorrow, it was off to the first official free practice and we would see how accurate my predictions were. I had made a real effort, using data from the last two years and all the extra things I had noted down. I knew Charles by heart by now. His every move, how he sat, how he steered. I knew it all and it had at least given me the feeling of being able to write appropriate set-ups.

"Wonderful, that's it for now," Seb folded his notebook shut "Matteo, you're dismissed. Luisa, do you have five more minutes for me?".

I literally froze in my chair, but then nodded. My breathing sped up immediately. Matteo got up and left the office, then it was silent for a moment. My fingers clutched my pen while I looked firmly at my notebook.

"Look at me.", Seb demanded in his calm voice.

I didn't lift my gaze immediately and then felt his fingers on my chin, pushing my face up with them.

"You couldn't look at me the whole time.", his fingers slid agonizingly slow over my skin.

All the hairs on my body stood up. I was like putty in his hands.

"What is it between Charles and you?", his voice sounded soft, but I clearly recognized the undertone.

He was jealous.

"We get along well. We work well together and I really like him. Charles is great, but I don't need to tell you that. He still raves about his time with you."

"Are you sleeping with him?"

"That's none of your business."

"I'm your supervisor, I..."

"It's still none of your business, Sebastian.", I said plainly, pushing myself up from the table "If that would be all....", I grabbed my notebook and moved towards the door, but Sebastian stood in my way, blocking my path with his arm.

"I hope...no, I expect you not to let your personal feelings get in the way while you work. Otherwise, I won't hesitate to fire you."

"Isn't it just more your personal feelings that are getting in the way of all this?", I looked up at him and could see anger flashing in his gaze.

He hated it when I disagreed with him and at the same time he liked it. His free hand grabbed my chin and pushed it up a little rudely.

"Just because you and I knew each other before all of this doesn't mean you can act like this towards me," he growled.

"If I had told you I wasn't sleeping with Charles, would this have gone differently?", I returned venomously.

"That has nothing to do with it," he gripped my jaw a little tighter.

"Tell that to your face," I hissed, taking a step back.

His chest rose and fell rapidly, furiously. He immediately took another step toward me.

"You're driving me crazy.", he stopped right in front of me.

"Would have been nice if you had perceived me that way back then. At least then I would have known that I still existed in your life.", tears immediately welled up in my eyes.

"You always existed in my life.", his voice was immediately softer again "I always saw you. Always only you.".
"If that had been the case, I would never have parted with you. You never saw me. And when you did, it was only anger. You didn't see me anymore. You only saw someone who bothered you."

"That's not true." his hand slid to my jaw much more gently this time "I loved you. I still do.".

I took his hand off my jaw "Stop it.".

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to go through all that again. I suffered so much after the breakup."

"And you think I didn't suffer? I didn't even expect it at the time. And then you were just gone like that. Do you know what that felt like to me? I lost the best thing in my life that day. Just like that. Without warning."

"Believe me, if you had known beforehand, it wouldn't have made it any easier. I put the decision off for a long time. But it was the right decision."

"If I had known, I could have changed it. I wouldn't have lost you," he whispered, now standing right in front of me.

"I never would have let you go just like that.", his hand slid to my chin again and pulled me up to him "Never.".

He placed his lips gently on mine. It was only a brief kiss, but I immediately longed for more.

"I would have done anything to make you happy with me again."

My breathing was heavy.

Why did he have to come back into my life now?

Why couldn't he just stay away from me?

I turned around and this time I walked out of the office.

I was shaking all over. This had been too much for me. I wiped under my glasses and had to take a few deep breaths before making my way back to the garage. One shiver after another went down my spine.

I reached the garage, still shaking. Charles immediately came my way and looked at me questioningly. I took a step toward him and let him pull me into a warming hug.

"That cold? You're not going to be sick, are you?" he asked, gently stroking my hair.

"I don't know what's wrong," I whispered, wrapping my arms around his back.

His warmth immediately went into me.

"Maybe you should go back to the hotel a little earlier today. I need you here fit tomorrow.", his fingers brushed along my jaw, he pushed my chin up to look at me.

"Yeah. Maybe I will. But don't worry, I'll be here. I don't care if I have to crawl over here," I smiled, Charles returned the smile.

"No, no, if you're sick, you'll stay..."

"Nothing can keep me away from here Charles. I will be with you. No matter what."

"Then I might have to put you to bed most personally huh?" he pressed a kiss to my forehead "I'm just worried about you ma cherie."

"Don't be mio caro."

"I will though. Always. I care about you.", he looked at me piercingly and my knees went weak again.

"I care about you too.", I replied and returned the gaze.

His eyes were so warm. I wanted to sink into them and just enjoyed his closeness. His warmth. For a brief moment, I deepened the embrace once more and rested my chin on his shoulder for a moment before ending the hug and smiling tiredly at him.

"Let's get to work. Tomorrow is important. Starting tomorrow, every weekend is important. We have to give everything for the title and I know we can do it this time.".

Charles smiled "I am so glad you are my race engineer now. We are a great team. We can really do it this time!"

"We will make it.", I assured him and then went back to work with my people.

I felt Charles' gaze at my back. He didn't sting. He was warm, doing me good.

I winced a little when Sebastian also entered the pit and walked over to Charles. Now I also felt his gaze and I knew exactly which gaze belonged to whom.