Like a moth drawn to a flame

hurt

*Luisa*

As soon as Seb had left, I had wanted to call Charles, but a heavy knock on my room door had stopped me.

I had opened and was happy when I saw Charles. Pure relief shot through my body, but then I noticed his gaze and stiffened.

"What's wrong?", I asked worriedly and wanted to put my hand to his cheek, but he held it tightly and looked at me piercingly.

"What was he doing here?", I didn't know Charles' voice like that.

Cold, hard.

"Seb? He just brought me in from the medical center. He..."

"I only asked you to do one thing. And that was to be honest with me.".

I didn't understand what he just wanted from me.

"Yes? I am."

"You slept with him."

"No! We just got back from Mick's. Charles, I..."

"Let it go. I don't want to do this anymore. Having to worry every time you go back to him because he's more important to you. Because he means more to you. I don't want that. I'm gonna ask Fred to transfer you to Carlo's car. I don't think we should keep working so close together."

"Wait... what? Charles what is happening right now? I wasn't having Seb!"

"Let it go, okay?"

"No. No stop it. Charles, I didn't have anything with him! Yes he is important to me and he always will be, but I..." my heart rolled over in a panic.

I absolutely did not understand what was happening. Where did this come from? Where did he even get the idea?

My hands started to shake.

"See? You can't even say it. It's simple. I love you and I mean it. But you can't even say it. Because your heart can never fully belong to someone as long as Seb is part of your life."

I shook my head in panic. I knew where this conversation was going.

"I mean, this is bullshit. I-"

"Then say it!" he now demanded very loudly by his standards.

I almost winced a little. Not that I was afraid Charles would actually hurt me, but his voice scared me and I took a step back.

"I... I...", I felt everything tighten up in panic.

I knew what I felt for Charles, but I was incredibly afraid to say it, because the last time I had gotten involved with someone like this, it had only ended up hurting. I was just scared. What if it hurt again?

But if I let Charles go now....

Then it would hurt, too.

"Take care." he turned around.

"No Charles! Don't go, please!", I gasped and tried to reach for his hand, but he pulled it away from me.

"Get clear on what you want first.", he walked through the door and closed it behind him.

I yanked the door open again and ran after him.

"I want you! I love you, Charles!", I shouted after him.

For a moment he stopped. He straightened his back and took a deep breath.

"And him?"

"Charles, I love you!", I sobbed in utter despair, but didn't dare take another step.

"Charles, please don't go.", he shook his head.

"I don't think I can do this with us. I'll always be afraid you'll go back to Seb.", he ran his hand through his hair "I'm sorry. I thought I could and maybe you would have been worth holding out for, but I can't. I need to focus on other things right now."

And with these words he left.

I stood in the middle of the hotel corridor and could not move a step. My heart broke into a thousand pieces. It was bad.

And we hadn't even really been together. But for him to just leave...

I stared at the carpet in front of me and heard someone knocking on a door a few doors down. Pretty loud and long. It was the only thing I could hear.

I was numb.

In my head no more thought.

In my heart no more beat.

In my lungs no more air.

It made no sense when he was not there.

I didn't know what to say or do. So I just stood there.

Seconds.

Minutes.

Hours.

Finally, it was Matteo who slowly pushed me back to my room. I didn't react to him at all. Whether he was talking to me or just taking me to my room, I didn't know. I couldn't even tell if he had touched me or if I had left on my own.

I had just fallen on my bed.

Had I been asleep?

Had I been crying?

All I knew was that at some point Seb had been there. He had looked at me worriedly and pushed me into the bathroom. It was already after nine and we would be leaving soon. I didn't know what had happened the last few hours.

Completely out of it, I brushed my teeth and then looked at myself in the mirror.

I must have been crying. My eyes were puffy and my mascara was all over my face.

It all felt so numb.

As if lifeless, I left the bathroom after I was done. Seb had already packed up my travel bag. He nudged me, but I just shook my head and looked down at the floor.

I didn't want to talk about it now. I never wanted to talk about it at all.

"Fred wants to talk to you in a minute," Seb said, and I nodded.

"I'm not going to be Charles race engineer anymore. I already know that. The only thing up for debate now is whether I have to leave the team altogether, or if I get to work for Carlos."

"What happened yesterday?"

"I don't really know myself... But he can't stand that you're still part of my life and that you're important to me," I barely recognized my own voice.

It sounded empty.

"You're not anymore...?"

I shook my head "It's ok.".

It wasn't okay. It would never be okay.

"Do you want me to talk to him? Maybe...", I immediately shook my head.

"It wouldn't change anything. It's ok. I'll be fine.", I assured him as everything inside of me shattered.

"You sure?", I just nodded and grabbed my travel bag.

I left my hotel room without waiting for Seb. I made my way to Fred's place.

He didn't ask me any questions, just informed me that I would now be continuing on as a performance engineer with Carlos. I asked no questions and checked in with Matteo next. I could tell he had questions, but he didn't ask them. He just took it as it was.

And I swallowed it all.

I just swallowed it because I had no choice. If I let the pain happen, it would eat me up.

I wouldn't be able to stand it. So I swallowed the pain and the sadness and buried it deep inside me. I didn't want to think about how it felt. I especially didn't want to feel it. I couldn't.

He was the second man I told I loved and it had happened exactly what I had been most afraid of. And if I allowed that thought to happen, I would never be able to get rid of it.

Then I would never trust anyone again.

But especially not myself, because if I didn't manage to make the right decision twice, would I ever manage it?