Like a moth drawn to a flame

*Sebastian*

I looked up at the two on the podium and smiled. They were perfect together. How had I not seen that?

Charles lifted Luisa up in jubilation and they were photographed by thousands of photographers at once. They would definitely be the headline on every newspaper tomorrow.

A beautiful couple with a great love story.

I swallowed the feeling. The fact that tears were running down my face didn't bother anyone. They were tears of joy. At least, that's what I told myself.

Everyone streamed off the podium toward our pit. I let myself fall back a little.

I was happy for Charles, I really was. But I didn't want to celebrate with them. I wanted them to be happy, but I couldn't do that to myself. I would regret too much letting her go. I would regret that it wasn't me who held her.

I turned off while everyone else continued straight ahead. I wanted to get away for a bit and think through a few things that were now in front of me.

The email before the race had thrown me off quite a bit.

I had done everything I could in the last few weeks to get distraction. A little bit of distraction. But I hadn't gotten involved with anyone as intensely as I had with Katharina. I had had things with women and then dropped them. I had taken what I needed and lost myself more and more.

The email had shaken me up a little.

I had been careless. Most importantly, I had not been myself anymore.

I needed to get back to my old self. And maybe I would have to leave Ferrari to do it. Maybe it was better if I didn't work with Charles and Luisa anymore, because no matter how much I told myself and everyone else that I could handle it, I really didn't.

If I could have, I would have turned back time and done everything differently.

I would never be okay with her not being with me anymore.

"Where do you think you're going?", Luisa slid under my arm and put my arm over my shoulder.

She beamed up at me and my heart tightened.

"I um...I was just going to..."

"Were you going to run away?" she pulled one corner of her mouth up further as she grinned.

"No, I was just... yeah. Maybe I was going to run away," I admitted.

"You're not going anywhere until you talk to me," she said, putting her arm around my back.

"Don't you want to go tomorrow..."

"No. No more putting it off. I want to know what's going on.", she looked at me seriously.

I lowered my eyes "I lost myself.", I mumbled, not even knowing where those words came from.

But they described exactly what I was feeling. I felt lost.

I felt like I wasn't myself anymore. I hardly recognized myself.

She stood in front of me and pushed my face up with her hands.

"What happened?" she asked.

I couldn't tell her. I couldn't tell her that I hated seeing her with Charles, could I? Not after I had been the one to let her make the decision. I couldn't tell her that I lay awake almost every night thinking about her, and that when I slept, all I did was dream about her.

I couldn't tell her how much I wanted to be with her, every second of the day.

I couldn't tell her what was really going on inside of me.