Like a moth drawn to a flame

again

*Sebastian*

I calmly stroked her hair as she snuggled close to me. She closed her eyes and deep wrinkles trailed across her forehead.

"I made a mistake coming here," she whispered.

"Why?", I stroked her back through her hair.

"I shouldn't have come here. I can't do this again."

"Can't do what again?"

"Us. And the pain we leave behind. I shouldn't have come here." she burst into tears and sat up with a jerk.

I followed her movement and pulled her back to me. I pressed my nose into her hair.

"I love you.", I whispered, but she pulled out of my arms.

The next moment she was standing next to my bed, crying.

"Hey, come here.", I stood up as well and spread my arms to pull her back to me, but she took a step back.

"I'm sorry, Seb. I never should have come here. I'm sorry.", she picked up her robe again and wrapped herself in it.

"I shouldn't have come here.", she was talking more to herself than to me.

"Hey darling, come here.", I pulled her to me by her shoulder.

She wanted to resist at first, but then sank into the embrace. She pressed her face against my chest and sobbed.

"Why does this have to hurt so much? Why can't it just be like it used to be?", I stroked her back and understood exactly what she meant.

It was that bittersweet feeling between love and pain. I loved her, there was no doubt about that. But it also hurt. I already understood what she was trying to say. It hurt to know that I had hurt her so much that all she saw between us now was pain. It almost seemed like she had forgotten the good times we had had. And we had had good times. Wonderful times. The times when we had just loved each other. Times when I had laid the world at her feet.

In retrospect, of course, I had noticed at what point it had tipped and I had no longer been the old. But I had never loved her less. I had only shown it less because I had had other worries. My head had been completely set on Ferrari. But I had loved her. Always.

Now I just held her close. I didn't want her to leave again.

"It can be like it used to be. You just have to let it," I whispered, pushing her face up.

She shook her head. Tears were running down her face incessantly. Just like that night when she had left me.

She had waited for me. I had come back later than planned because a meeting had taken longer. She had been sitting in my living room and had already fallen asleep. She had flinched when I had pressed a kiss to her forehead. Immediately tears had welled up in her eyes and I had known that something was wrong. Of course there was. And then she had opened up to me that it was over. I had been so blindsided that I hadn't said anything until she had wanted to leave. Then I had told her one word over and over again, "No." I hadn't been able to just let her go, but I also hadn't been able to say more than "No." I had been so confused, so blindsided. It had been too much for me. Way too much. But she had left. No matter how many times I had said "No" and even that I had found my voice again and begged her not to go, it had not helped.

Now I held her again while she cried.

And she wanted to leave again.

"I can't do this.", she swallowed and took my hand from her cheek "I can't do this.".

She took a step back.
"Darling, wait.", she took another step back.

"Please don't go now," I tried to reach for her hand, but she shook her head.

She shook it so hard that she almost faltered a little.

"Don't go.", I repeated and once again managed to pull her towards me.

She looked up at me and pressed her nose against my jaw "I loved you so much, Seb. So much. But we just don't work. We never will. No matter how hard we try."

"Don't say that. Just give me a second chance and I promise you that..."

"No. I don't want that a second time. I can't do this again. I shouldn't have come here tonight at all."

"But you are. You're here because there's still something there. I know you still love me, and you always will. No matter what you do now, no matter where you go or with whom. You will always love me. At least a part of you will and that's why you're here. Because you love me and I love you and..."

"Stop it!" she pressed her hands over her ears "Stop it!" she took a step back.

"I can't, Seb. I can't. I don't want to do this again. Maybe there's a part of me that still loves you, yeah, maybe. But it's wrong. Someday it's going to be just like it was then, and I'm going to suffer again."

"I promise you that won't happen. Luisa, please listen to me. I would do anything for you. Please, just don't go.", tears came to my eyes as well.

"You see? This is what we do to each other. This feeling. We can't help it."

"Yes we can, don't you remember how good the beginning was? How much we loved each other? I couldn't stand a second without you. And I know it was the same for you. I know you loved me."

"More than anything." she whispered "I wanted you to be the last person I ever loved." she lowered her eyes.

I walked to her but she now backed away from me completely "I don't want this, Seb.".

She backed away a few more steps, then turned and left my room. It took me a moment to realize that she was just leaving me again. I pulled on a pair of shorts and a shirt and followed her.

I couldn't let her leave again. I followed her down the hall and tried to catch up with her as she walked towards her room. But before I could catch up with her, she reached her room door and before she could enter, Charles appeared.

"Shit, what's going on? I was just coming to check on you. I was worried because you didn't answer my messages," I pressed myself against the wall and tried to become invisible.

"I... I was in the bathtub and then I fell asleep. I wanted to come to you, but I... I need to get dressed first.", Luisa gave a short sobbing laugh "I'm just insanely tired."

"Are you sure? You don't cry because you're tired, do you?", Charles took her face in his hands "Just tell me what's wrong.", he whispered.

"I'm just... Things aren't so easy right now."

"Then talk to me." he said softly "I'm good at listening.".

She nodded and then opened her bedroom door. Charles followed her. I stopped and closed my eyes.

Shit.

But I knew I couldn't just knock on her door now. I couldn't just walk up to her when Charles was with her.

And I had seen how gentle he was with her. How loving. She meant something to him. And maybe it was good if I just let her go, if I let Charles have the space I had wanted.

Maybe I needed to clear the field.

Maybe it was better for everyone involved.

Charles would be good to her. He cared, he cared about her. He would be good to her. While all she saw in me was pain.

I was nothing but pain to her. And he wasn't. He was the one who would catch her. The one who would love her. And I was the past.

I had to let her go. Even if I didn't want to.

It was like a dichotomy, something that was tearing me apart inside. But I had to do it if I wanted to see her happy again. Because with me, she couldn't be. She didn't want to be and I couldn't force her to give us a second chance.

But I loved her and I knew that she still loved me too.