Like a moth drawn to a flame

always

*Sebastian*

They had taken Mick to the hospital overnight. He was ok, but they wanted to be sure nothing more happened and at least keep him there for observation. He was ok. It had been a violent impact, but he was ok.

Luisa worried me more.

I had seen her then, after her father's accident and she had been down. She had blamed herself for things that were not her fault. Things she couldn't do anything about. It had taken her a long time to come to terms with it.

And I saw that same look on her face again.

She blamed herself for Mick's crash. Completely stupid. What was she supposed to do about it? But I was sure that she had wanted to protect him and this knowledge of not being able to do it was killing her.

She had already fallen asleep on my shoulder in the medical center and I hadn't let her go to the hospital with Mick. I had taken her back to the hotel. She had fallen asleep again in the cab. She was done and it hurt me beyond belief to see her like that again. I had sworn to myself that I would never let it get that far again, and at that time we had only been friends. Nevertheless, I had never wanted to see her like that again. I had wanted to protect her from it.

And I had not been able to protect her any more than she had been able to protect Mick.

Although she had always been my priority. Even though I would have done anything to protect her from this pain, from these worries, I hadn't been able to.

I couldn't even make her laugh anymore. Everything I did felt strange between us.

And yet I wanted her. I wanted her love. Her affection. Her closeness.

I wanted to take away her pain, her worries, and make everything okay, just like I always had.

It was like suddenly everything was different between us and I didn't like it at all.

I pushed her into the elevator and just wanted to make sure she got into bed. I just wanted to make sure she rested. She needed that right now.

"Did we actually win the race?" she asked, her head suddenly jerking up.

"Yes. Charles won."

"That's the second win I haven't been on the podium for. At some point Charles is going to get mad." she leaned her head back "I would have liked to see him win.".

"He was thinking about you when he crossed the finish line. You were the first thing he asked about," I smiled, even though the thought pained me.

I had watched the two of them over and over for the past few weeks. She really loved him, and the way he looked at her, he loved her too. I had held back, given her freedom and they really seemed to make it work. I hadn't seen her this happy in a long time. Maybe at the beginning of our relationship. But it had been a long time.

And Charles brought that smile back to her face that I had missed so much.

"He really cared about you," I assured her.

Again, she smiled. Completely carefree and content.

How could I have taken that away from her just because I wanted her back?

If I had tried harder back then, if I had done more for the relationship, maybe not given up right at the end, she would still be with me. Then probably many things would have been different. It was my fault and I didn't want to take away what she just had. Even though it hurt me to see her so in love with someone else.

It hurt to see the person you loved more than anything else feel the same love, but for someone else.

The elevator stopped and I accompanied her to her room. She opened the door and I followed her into her room.

"Do you have everything you need?", I asked, stroking her hair again carefully.

I was really worried "Should I let Charles know you're here?", I asked.
I didn't really want to leave her alone now.

"No, I'll call him right now and I'll have everything I need," she assured me.

"I'm okay, Seb. Really."

"You sure?", I looked at her questioningly, she nodded.

"Thank you for being there for me today," I squeezed her gently.

"I'll always be there. You know that.".

She returned the hug, "Thank you Seb." she mumbled against my chest, then took a step back.

I understood what she was trying to tell me. I nodded, then turned around.

"If there's anything else, just call. I'm only two rooms away.", I smiled "And good night.".

"Good night, Seb.", she smiled as well before pulling her cell phone out of her pocket.

Silently, I left her room.

It felt a bit like a goodbye. A strange goodbye, since we saw each other every day after all.

Charles would be with her in a moment, I'm sure. He would take care of her. I had nothing to worry about. And yet I did. Maybe I always would.

No, I would certainly always do it.

No matter what I did and no matter who I spent my time with, as soon as she needed my help, I would jump. But I would leave her alone.

I would be there, always. But I would leave her the space to fully engage with Charles. Because he thought about her just as much as I did. He cared the same way, and if I had to let her go, I would let her go into the hands of Someone who cared. Someone who really loved her.

But I would be there. Always.

Once in my hotel room, I checked my phone and all the messages I had missed during the day. I guess I would never get used to how many people were interested in my life. It made a lot of things harder, but it also made some things a lot easier. Even though I had never used much of it for myself. It would have been so easy to answer one of the many messages and invite one of the women to my room.

It would have been so easy...

I had never used this for myself. But maybe tonight was just the right night to do it. After all the stress and worry of the day, I could really use a little distraction. It wouldn't be right, but some of these women certainly weren't out for more than one night, and even if they were, would it be so bad to meet someone who was really interested in me?

Maybe, who knew, I would find the love of my life.

It was stupid. I knew it wouldn't happen because my head would always be waiting for Luisa to come back to me. No matter how much I liked someone. They would never be Luisa.

Still, I replied to one of the messages and got a reply back immediately.

It felt wrong, but within fifteen minutes I had invited a woman to my room.

Was I really the type to do this?

Could I do this in good conscience without feeling bad the next morning?

I was still debating with myself while she kept texting me.

I was clearly not the type to get involved with women I didn't even know. I had never been that way.

Was I really going to throw that overboard now? Was I going to change that just because I felt lonely? Just because I couldn't have what I wanted?

Was it even fair to the woman?

Was it fair to use someone for my purposes, for my needs?

Just to satisfy my feeling for love and affection?

Fuck that wasn't me at all.
I wasn't like that and I didn't want to be like that.

I threw my cell phone on the nightstand when there was a knock on my door. Had she figured out which room was mine?

Would the people at the hotel just let her up to my room?

I was sure they wouldn't, but the knock was so loud and so urgent that I panicked a little.

Fuck. What if I just left the door closed?

It would definitely go again at some point. I just stayed on the bed, ignoring my phone that kept vibrating and the knock on the door, until I slowly but surely drifted off to sleep.