for me,

searching

are you looking for me?
are you looking for me now?
i can feel my heart pulling to the thoughts of you, even though it is met with resistance from my mind.
it could just be merely silence that invited you in.
i hope to move on, i hope to let go.
but i feel your presence in my dreams, i feel you haunting me.
and i hate every second of it.
there is a pit in my stomach, anxiety bubbling in my chest — a feeling i was once familiar with.
i ask you, as a dear old lover, please do not come back.
please leave me be. please let me go.
i'm afraid, i am so afraid that if i catch your eyes and smell your scent...i wouldn't be able to walk away.
maybe this is just a moment of weakness.
i promise i'm not as miserable as i sound.
but i am desperate.
i am desperate to leave.
and i am ready to leave.
if you promise to not say a word, then i can happily go.
i've had many epiphanies since you decided to ignore me.
like what kind of love is this? whether i shouldn't have let you back in so easily when you asked, if forgiveness was hell in disguise?
but i think there was a purpose. a reasoning for all this misery.
and i realized that the person i fell in love with at 14 years of age, is no longer here.
the boy that picked the leaves off my favorite tree for my 15th birthday, the boy that promised to never make me cry, the boy whose old room i spent many time in talking about the world, the boy that walked all the way to my home just to give me ice cream, the boy who made me pancakes for breakfast, who wrote my name on an ancient building in cairo, who saw little ferns growing on sidewalks and decided to bring it home to me, the one that singlehandedly wrote love letters, got me red roses, gave me a beautiful notebook on our first monthsary, shared his love and empathy — who used to be the last person on Earth i'd think would hurt me. and who has since then learned to only hurt me.
every goodbye we've made has always struck painful wounds into my heart, yet this last goodbye is the most bittersweet.
to know that you think so differently of me, to know that you rejected my love when all i wanted was to comfort and nurture you...it has all become so bittersweet.
memories are tainted, apologies are meaningless.
what was the point of me falling just for you to not catch me?
what was the point of letting you in just for you to choose walking away?
why am i only relevant when the time is convenient for you?
am i not deserving of love even when i become useless?
aren't i the one that loved you unconditionally, even when you have put yourself in so many positions to lose me?
why do you keep on insisting of separating from me?
am i not enough to stay? is my love not worth it to fight?
am i not yours to love and care for?
or were those words just words to you? just empty promises.  if you cant love me now, i dont want you to love me in the future.
i dont want you to chase me, i dont want this love anymore.
i cant afford to lose myself everytime waiting for you.
i cant afford to love you anymore.
i choose not to.
so if you are searching for me, i want you to walk away now.
i need you to walk away.
please. do it for me.
dont make a fool out of me again.