These days all I can feel is my beating heart against my running hands and the world on complete pause. Blasting the music that makes me feel and forgetting how to breathe, I look around. Everything halts as the red light shine - for now I can only hear what I want to hear. My shallow breath softens and I don't move an inch. Strap on the safety belt; yet I still feel wary.
The World is a slow carousel, round and round
but it wouldn't ever stop.
Yet; I'm feeling as if it did. Dead silence surrounds me and all I can do is let it consume me.
"Why is everything stopping?" I thought.
"Why isn't it all a blur anymore?"
As the days pass I can't help but miss the ticking of time knocking on my door.
"Why can't I feel time again?" I thought.
My heart beats in sync with my breath; but I cant breathebreathebreathe. I feel it clench and unclench; yet I am not afraid.
My nights turn into sleepless mornings that I cannot manage. My breakfasts turn into lunches; but I still can't feel the savory taste in my mouth as I scarf it all down
all at once,
feeling disgusted of its smell - its whole being.
"Why am I disgusted?" I thought.
I feel emotionless, tasteless. All I can think about is the familiar feeling of loss happiness.
I lay back in bed when no one's home and I feel numb inside my mind
as I try to digest this feeling of pain.
Can I feel again?
As desperate boys asks for me and demand to know me but yet not my story; all I can think about is why I can never be enough.
I push my running hands away from my beating heart but I can still feel the remaining fingertips. And I still couldn't breathebreathebreathe.
When a family member died; I still couldn't feel the breath I was taking because the thought of him not breathing anymore make my inside clench with despair. My eyes cloud with desperate little tears and I didn't know why I was cryingcryingcrying and my body shook with the loud sobs that I let out in shame.
These days I can't wake up on time to actually be alive and I feel content with the idea that I may not be just that.
With the harsh words I've said to my mother; I am sorry but I was unable to stop my rushing words. I've always been good at hiding away my guilt.
Mama, I'm sleepy.
I want to go to sleep
far, far away.
When I feel myself standing straight up, I feel everything crumbling around me and it made me smile.
These days; I feel it all yet nothing at all.
- i've felt this all before
YOU ARE READING
for me,
Poetryfor the very life God has brought upon me, for the happiness, the grief, the resentment and the anger in me, for being human; for being love.
