for me,

Change

"all of a sudden, i have this deep-gutted feeling in my stomach and it moves - it moves into my heart and became a thought. and the thought terrifies me. it terrifies me to no end."

a shaky breath slipped out of her lips unintentionally and a somber look replaced the previously joyful light in her eyes. silence overtook the night and nobody knew what to say next. so she continues,
"i love him. i loved him. and for years, that was all i ever known. i never doubted it, i never asked for anyone else. but i can't help it. the last time i saw him, it really did felt like goodbye. like it was the end. and even though i know deep in my heart that there will never truly be goodbye for us and we will see each other again, i just felt like...it's over, we've said our goodbyes, we've chosen other people and that's that. and the thought makes me so sick in the stomach.

but then i met this other guy and he's so sweet and he has the kindest smile and somehow, amidst all that - his presence has made a hook on me. and never, never have i ever felt this way. well, not since forever. it was a familiar feeling but this doesn't usually come with strangers, it came from him...yet somehow, this stranger - this stranger who made the effort to know my name, who made the effort to know me...
i-i haven't felt wanted in so long.

and yes, i know it's weird to think of right now. i know everything is uncertain and i barely know this new guy. but he slips into my thoughts! and i don't understand it...but i think, i think - if he were to ever say hi again, i would be grateful, i would feel relieved and i'd finally feel hope again.

but...my past love...oh he was everything to me. i think he will always be everything to me. he came straight out of a fairytale book but he didn't possess a life full of glory and luxuriousness. he came from blood, from loneliness. and i knew it wasn't right but i wanted to save him, then. not anymore but...when i first saw him...God, was he beautiful. the most beautiful man i have ever seen. of course he never saw it but i think if he can see through my eyes, there will be no doubt of love in him that he deserves it. i gave him my all. i used to regret that, months after we decided to leave each other. i used to scream into the night and begged God to take my pain away, to blind me so i will never see him love somebody else, to deafen me so i will never hear him say he doesn't love me anymore, to cripple me so i will never run after him again. but if he were to stand in front of me right now? i'd tell him that loving him was the greatest thing i've ever done in my whole entire life. he was the one. i think he will always be. but we've grown now. we've changed. i got closure and he...he finally knows how deep our love was. i only needed him to know that. that he is loved, that he is wanted, that he is needed, that he is worthy, that he is deserving. someone with a big heart like his doesn't deserve what the World cannot offer, no, he deserves Heaven. he deserves a Godful-Love. so i gave him that, i gave him everything my heart and soul can give. and not a bone in my body can ever truly regret that. because when i was able to hear him laugh, see his bright beautiful smile - i was happy. and for no particular reason, i just love him as is. as unequivocably, irrevocably, irrationally - love him. i didn't need to know what he did in the past or will do in the future - when i'm with him, i can see who he truly is and i loved him. i love what he chose to gave me. he loves like nobody else and that's why all the girls wanted him. he's different, he's out of this World but more importantly...he only ever saw me. the imperfect, flawed, loud, everywhere me. because while i'm admiring him, i'm forgetting that he's admiring me too. i'm forgetting that during the nights while i'd slept, it was him that would stay up all night caressing my cheeks, kissing my lips as if i were Sleeping Beauty - it was him that loved me like nobody else can. it was him that prayed for my safety, my success, my happiness, my life...it was him and it will always be just him. and our Love is this beautiful. it is true. it is raw. it is magical. perhaps it was because we were young. we didn't know there needed to be boundaries with Love, we didn't know the heart needed guarding...because we blew up each others' walls and we embraced each other without question. maybe that's why we have such strong holds on each other. when we broke each others' hearts, we swore never to love anyone like we loved each other. but i think we forgot the part where we already did that and it was for this reason that we keep on hurting each other. how silly of us, who could've known that we'd still love each other 4 years down the road? and its all Love can be. it's platonic, it's romantic, it's unjustifiable, it's harmful, it's perfect, it's hurting, it's happiness and grief and resentment but oh so so whole.

i know him better than i know myself, sometimes. and i think i'm okay with the idea of loving him forever. he's worth it, you know? he deserves this. i can't be mad at him anymore. because when he last held me, i saw in his eyes Love. i saw in his eyes the very thing that i used to see when we were 14 and 16 & we only felt home in each others' embrace. goodness, talking about him makes me cry like a baby! he's just always had this effect on me. nobody knows how to push and pull my bottons like he does. but i don't mind it. even if i were to hold him and fall in love again - i think i'd still do it all over again if i had to.

(sigh) Love is a feeble thing and he was the only one able to snatch it all."

"what about this other guy?" someone asked.
"whats his story?"

she pondered for a while but then," i don't know. i barely know him. but he gives me a good feeling. a feeling i thought i wasn't able to feel anymore since my past lover. you see, i've been alone for a long time now. so maybe it was the attention he was giving me that i got high off, or maybe it was the way he was just all around me when he had the chance but...i'd give him a chance. if he truly is as kind as his smile and words, then i'd willingly give him a part of me. it's just a feeling, i guess. but i think we'd see each other again. and i won't stop him from trying to change my mind."

- is // 1.2k words of Love