for me,

The Truth

The hard rain came pattering down fast onto Earth,
shielding our sight from that we cannot see.
As I gaze out into the night, my eyes stayed upon the
two-three road lights that keep on flickering as if blinking back to me in SOS.
I took a sip of my drink.

"You know I've been here before?"
Somebody else was sitting next to me in silence. Rejoicing in what could have been our first special night.
But nothing was better than this. Nothing can be better.

"What do you mean?"
"Well here, in my head, I've been through this situation before."
"What are you thinking of?"
"How hypocritical I am. Did you know I write about fear? Yeah, I do. I write lots about that. I talk about how we need to start living life without fear holding us back. That with fear we're never really living or loving or enjoying. But I'm a hypocrite. I can tell you that that's my truth. I don't know when it started to come into my life. I think it became the day I first realized I was falling in love. Mind you, even I don't know what day it was. But the feeling came and it never left since. At first I was afraid of losing him then when I lost him, I started becoming afraid of losing myself - when I lost myself, I became afraid of losing my reality. So I fought for it. Surprisingly, right? I didn't think I could do it. I succeeded as well. But lately that fear started to come back. Would you believe me if I tell you that I used to be that loud, annoying kid who was courageous and dedicated - who was strong, brave because I knew I had a voice and I used it. A lot. Then I grew up. When you grow up people start to tell you to shut up. And so I did."
"Where are you going with this?"

I sighed and circled the rim of my cup. I turned my body slightly to look into their eyes.

"I wish I wasn't afraid anymore. I wish I can look at myself in the mirror, for once, and know who I really am. I wish I don't have self-loathe, one that I forced deep inside my soul because nobody likes to know you're actually not okay. Nobody gives a fuck if you're downing pills one day because if you're still alive the next day, they're going to expect you to say you're fine. And maybe we were fine after that. Maybe even we expected ourselves to be. I'm tired of feeling run down. I'm tired of feeling numb. I'm tired of constantly looking for distractions. I'm tired of making excuses. I'm tired of pretending that I'm not sad, or angry when I am - because the people in my life hate that. They hate being vulnerable. I'm tired of people looking at me and all they feel is exasperation. I'm tired of being controlled by external forces and institutions that exists around us. Society, religion, my own culture - they all tell me what to do. But fuck, even I don't know what I'm doing! I don't know my purpose in this life because nobody ever talks about the relapse! Nobody ever talks about what to do when that despair and resentment come running down on you again and again, harder this time. I tried so hard, do you know that? To keep myself alive. To be content. But I don't feel like I'm living! I just feel like I constructed a reality that I forced myself to see because thats what everyone is doing. I hide myself away because I get so burnt out and sometimes I feel selfish because the only thing running past my mind is why nobody asks me how I'm doing. It's selfish because I never ask them. And maybe all these time, there's a reason for that self-loathing. Maybe I'm really not the kind, optimistic person I believed myself to be. Maybe I'm not that angel everyone portrayed me to be. Maybe I just want to be dead and not have expectations."

"Do you feel that way always?"

"No. Sometimes I am happy. But I don't want to be here. Thats what upsets me. I know I'm wrong. I know theres more to life than this purpose I was told to be. I guess I'm just sort of hoping one day I won't have to feel so numb anymore."

"What do you want me to say?"

I laughed.
"I didn't say all these words for you to pity on me. I'm telling you these because I hope you can see that I'm not the one asking for help. You are. You know what I finally learn about fear at the end of the day?"

"...What?"

"You have to have it. Without fear, without these...fucked up emotions - there is no life worth living. I can walk up that road over and over, journey into yet another discovery about myself, one that I haven't learned yet and one day I'll talk to you about it again. Because that's life, isn't it? You feel alive and you also feel death. But fear teaches you to be vulnerable at both times. To open up your heart, your mind - let the energy around you feel and invite whatever it is that needs to be learnt. I made mistakes. One that I have to sleep in my grave with. But it is fear that will tell me to ask for forgiveness. Forgiveness from whom? Whoever. Myself, God, the Angels, Earth, the Skies. All I'm saying is that - if I wasn't so afraid then I wouldn't have ran forward into safety. If it wasn't for my fear, I would have stayed put in redemption and accept my fate in all of its sins. I wouldn't have been grateful that I'm still alive today.

It's confusing...I know. That's why it is so hard for me to explain who I am. This is who I am. Complex. Conflicted. But also wary and aware. I ask questions and most of them relate to who I want to be as a human being. So maybe I want to be dead and alive, maybe I am selfish and selfless, maybe I am the worst or the best kinds of people on earth. What makes me honorable? It's the fact that I admit it. Because everytime I lose, fear teaches me that there is so much more to gain."