Finding Yourself: Book Three

Chapter One: House of Cards

Nick expected to feel free after the divorce. Happy.

He just felt slightly less sad.

When Nick married Xaiver, he was at his lowest. Xavier had pulled him out of depression, out of poverty, and out of his own head. It was better to make a deal with a stranger than to be dead. At least, that's what he told himself.

That deal turned into the best thing that had ever happened to him. Xavier treated him like a prince and provided anything he needed. He was kind, considerate, and gentle. He told Nick that he loved him. He comforted Nick when he was sad. Nick fell in love with the man who had saved him from his darkest time. His soulmate.

A specific memory that appeared often was when they danced together in the living room to, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" And Nick would chuckle when Xavier spinned him around before pulling him close. Whispering in Nick's ear the lyrics, "If you say you will be mine, I'll be there 'til the end of the time."

Then, they adopted a kid together. Xavier was quite excited about it at first, and it took Nick too long to realize why. After Avil was adopted, it was as if Xavier was a different person. He became distant, a little chilly. Nick thought more kids would make him happier, and- in hindsight- Nick just made it worst. Nick was barely allowed to leave the house. He couldn't get a job. His whole life was surrounded by the kids and the house.

And, because he had never lived a perfect life, he thought that was normal. Xavier was gone for long periods of time? He must have been busy. Xavier didn't want to talk to him or the kids? It could have been stress. Xavier clearly wasn't happy, and Nick hated that he couldn't make him happier. Nick could never make Xavier as happy as Xavier had made Nick; it was a debt Nick could never repay, and he blamed himself.

One night, Xavier decided to finally eat dinner with them, and afterward, he sat Nick down on the edge of their shared bed and openly admitted to cheating on Nick. His excuse? He thought Nick only loved him for his money. He did it because he believed that, while he was busy working, Nick was probably sleeping with other guys. Xavier claimed he did it out of spite.

What a load of lies.

Nick forgave him that night. He was teary-eyed, and his heart had dropped through his stomach. But he cupped Xavier's face gently, and said through tears, "I forgive you, honey. Everyone makes mistakes." He gave Xavier a calm kiss and ended with, "Thank you for telling me. Just- don't do it again, and we'll be okay. I'll be okay."

That was back when he thought his opinion mattered.

It was not long after that he walked into their room one evening, and Xavier had brought the boy into their bed. The man looked nothing like Nick. Nick was built, had a more Italian complexion, and his features were generally very masculine. The boy that was being pleasured by Nick's husband was a small little tan red-head with no muscle definition, with thick thighs, and bright blue eyes. He was gorgeous where as Nick was just average.

It soon became evidence for the thoughts where he felt as if he wasn't good enough. Was he not satisfying enough during sex? Was he too average? Not pretty? What did he lack that the red-head didn't?

He just shut the door and rushed to their at-home gym. Instead of working out, he just sat in the corner and cried until his breath was ragged. He had to compose himself, but he was in disarray. He didn't know why Xavier was doing it. He didn't know what to do about it. How could he do anything about it? With the kids in the house, he felt stuck. Plus, he loved Xavier. And then, that raised the question, did Xavier love him?

Xavier found him there, in the corner, but by then Nick had composed himself. Why did it take Xavier so long to find him? Did he stay to finish what he was doing to that red-head? Did he even care for Nick's feelings at all?