Dear Jackson

Chapter 6

It's been two weeks since I told BamBam I was indeed homosexual. I should have known he would accept me for who I was, and just told him a lot sooner instead of being afraid. But now I wonder, what about his orientation? I never once heard him talk about attractive girls in our class. No past girlfriends, or confessions either. In fact, I have never even seen him flirt with any female of any kind. So that is somewhat questionable. But then again he is all about his studies and photography, so maybe he doesn't care for a girlfriend.

"Or boyfriend even? Agh, why do I even care. He's just my friend is all."

I whispered to myself as I grabbed my pillow and covered my head. It was two in the morning and I couldn't sleep from over thinking.

"Why did he ask me though? Maybe it was more than curiosity?

I mentally slapped myself while sighing heavily.

"I don't even like him, I just care for him. That's all right? Right?! I mean even though I've been with him for over five years now, and done nothing but be by his side, share happy and sad moments, spend nights in each other's house, etcetera. But it's all just friendship and bromance, I'm sure of that."

I spoke to myself as if someone was listening. I tried to convince my conscious and thoughts.

"I've been over thinking everything since he asked me. I feel dumb trying to tell myself I don't have feelings for BamBam. If I have thoughts of cuddling him, holding his hand, and basically every damn thing related to dating, it's not just care. Especially if it stays stuck on my mind all the time."

I sat up and threw my pillow across the room as I finished my sentence to myself. Feeling frustrated and overwhelmed.

"He looks up to me, but that's it. I'm sure he has no trace of romantic emotions for me."

I dropped down back to my bed while staring up at the ceiling. My eyes felt heavy, and I could feel myself slowly falling asleep.

"Just feeling his lips on mine would make me happy."

---*

"Dear Jackson, remember when I asked of you if you like guys? Well yeah, there was a bigger reason behind that. One that might shock you, or weird you out. But I can't keep it to myself for much longer. I can't keep the feelings I hold for you inside. I want to have you for myself. Hold you every night until I fall asleep. Kiss you every morning and wish you a good day. Go on fun dates, and build a relationship that binds us both as one. You're my best friend, and I want you to be my one and only too. Please understand me Jackson. Understand the emotions that I hold for you."

I wrote out carefully and neatly, wanting it to be flawless on the smooth paper.

"I might actually keep this one."

I spoke with a smirk on my face while setting my pen down. Nervousness filled my gut unwillingly, causing me to start thinking again.

"What if he never speaks to me again due to awkwardness? Or laughs at my letter? Or friend zones me? Or even tells me he has his eye on another guy?!"

I whispered to myself in freight. I was really scared of the worst happening to me, or even us. But he's my best friend, so I highly doubt he would just leave me in the dust to hurt.

"I'll give it to him when I'm most comfortable."

I spoke while putting my letter in my folder full of pictures. Though I don't know about just handing it to him, because that would be seriously uncomfortable.

"Maybe sneak it into his locker? I know his combination by heart, it could work."

Throughout the late sleepless night, I kept coming up with possible ways to give it to him, without actually being in person. I even suggested the old fashioned envelope mailing process. Though that is a bad idea, considering I go over to his house almost every day. And also his parents might just open it out of curiosity.

Then I thought of hiding it in one of his textbooks. But that also won't work considering he hardly even opens them. Just sticks to his notes from class if he studies. I might just have to stick with the locker plan.

--

All those ideas and thoughts that passed my mind last night cost me my rest. I kept on snoozing in class, not being able to pay attention.

"Kunpimook."

I snapped my neck up and shot my eyes open as I heard my history teacher call my real name.

"U-uh, yes mam?"

"Please stop sleeping during my instructing."

I gave a nod silently, a few others snickering.

I turned around to find Jackson staring dead at me, hands resting casually under his chin. Not even a second later he quickly looked back at the board in front, as if he didn't want me to catch him. I shrugged it off whilst resting my head against my desk. I didn't care if I would get in any trouble, I just needed sleep. And I needed it now.

___

A/N: I'm sorry if this chapter was quite boring .-.