Let This Last Forever...| Beeduo

chapter 73. Why do I always hurt him more?

Tubbo's pov* tw: cutting themselves and mention of blood.

I stayed awake while he was asleep mostly thinking. I was up until about 3:00 in the morning.

*I always feel like I'm taking advantage of him.. He says I'm not but I can't help it.

*And I want to talk to him about it but I know what he'll say... 'Bee I promise you that you're not taking advantage of me.' Or 'bee please stop worrying about this it's not a big deal, plus you're not taking advantage of me.' Wich wouldn't be a bad thing it's just it doesn't really help. So it wouldn't matter.

I was thinking about stuff a little bit more until I felt him kiss the back of my neck. "Baby why are you up this late? What's on your mind?" He asked me. "Huh?-Oh I didn't realize that it was this late I was just lost in thought." I said quietly. He kissed me again in the same spot and slid me closer to him. He kissed my head and wrapped his arms more tightly around me. "It's alright my love.. Just go back to sleep." He said calmly and already half asleep. "Ok.. I love you." I said. "Hmmm." He said. And once again I was alone with my thoughts.

*Maybe I'm not good enough for him... I should have just kept my feelings to myself and let him find someone who would treat him right... He deserves it.

I got up and went downstairs and sat down on the couch. I was debating on doing something to myself. I don't want to but I do at the same time. I guess my intrusive thoughts got the better of me because it seems in the blink of an eye... I already had 5 DEEP cuts on my wrist. I did that about 4 more times until I realized that we don't have band AIDS. Just then I heard Ranboo coming downstairs. I quickly pulled my hoodie sleeves down where they covered my wrists. He looked at me and I got nervous. I hope he didn't see. "Bee what are you doing down here? It's 3:30-" he looked at my hands. What's dripping down your hands?" He asked very concerned. He walked over to me and tried to grab my hands. I brought them close to my chest and started to cry a little bit. "Tubbo.. Please let me see it." He said sternly but concerned. I looked down. He walked toward me and grabbed my hand. "Ow!" I said. He let go of it a little bit so it didn't hurt. He pushed up my sleeve and saw the blood. I pulled myself away and slid down the wall. "I-I" I tried to speak but there's nothing I could say that would make a difference. He got a paper towel and cleaned the cuts on my hands and stopped the bleeding. "My poor bee.. Who's making you do this to yourself?" He asked as he hugged me. "M-me." I said as tears streamed down my face. He cupped my face and wiped my tears. "I-Im sorry! I know I hurt you when I do this but I can't help it!" I cried. "It's ok." He said. "No it's not! Please just put me in my place!" I said. "Wh-what do you mean 'put you in your place'?" "Kill me! I can't keep hurting you like this! And none of this would have happened if I just kept my feelings to myself and let you find someone who would treat you better! I don't want to hurt you again! Please! Please just get me out! I'm sorr-" I got cut off by him kissing me. (I'm sorry but I need to say this.. I'm trying to make an emotional thing while listening to 'cake by the ocean' lol) "please don't say that! You know that I would've been with you anyway... I had a crush on you since the first year we met. And you actually being my fiancé now is way more than enough for me." He said as he smiled at me and looked at our rings. "But I'm not good enough! You deserve the world and I'm holding you back." I said still sobbing. He kissed me again and hugged me. "You're never not good enough for me.. And your not holding me back from anything. I get most of my confidence and love from you." He let go of me and looked into my eyes. "Ranboo please you don't get it! You don't see what I'm doing to you... I'm just hurting you more when I want you to feel loved." I yelled. "Bee wake up! Please!" He said. Suddenly I opened my eyes? "What the fuck just happened?" I thought. Ranboo was leaning over me with his hand on my face. He kissed me. "Are you ok?" He asked. I nodded. "What happened?" I asked. "I don't know.. You just started crying and wouldn't wake up." He told me. I sat up and jumped in his arms. "I'm sorry! I'll never cut myself again I promise." I said. "Huh? O-ok ok." He said confused. That dream was warning me of what could happen in the future.