Beauty And Madness by ANYA RAYNE

Kabanata XVIII

KABANATA XVIII

WHEN Britanni emerged from the bathroom an hour later, natagpuan niya si Anthony na nakaupo sa dulo ng kama, nakapatong ang siko sa mga hita at nakabaon ang yukong ulo sa mga palad. She felt horrible. She felt like a bully. Nasasaktan siyang makita itong ganoon. And something inside her snap.

She dropped down on her knees in front of him at iniangat ang mga kamay upang masuyong tanggalin ang mga palad ng binata sa mukha nito. He looked horrible. Like a man who was on the verge of losing everything.

"Anthony. I'm sorry, baby. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang nalilito. Naguguluhan din ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng gagawin para maayos ang lahat ng 'to. Maniwala ka sa 'kin, baby, gusto kong maayos ito. I want to fix this so bad that I'm willing to exorcise all my demons if you are."

Yes. Sa loob ng isang oras na napag-isa siya'y napagtanto niyang mas mahalaga si Anthony kaysa sa sarili niyang insekyuridad. Kung patuloy siyang tatakbo sa tuwing nagseselos siya o nakakaramdam ng insekyuridad ay paulit-ulit lamang niyang masasaktan si Anthony. And she'd end up hating herself in the process because she's hurting the only thing that matters to her now.

"Y-Yes..." he whispered tensely, uncertainty mixing his anxiousness. "Britanni, I'm all yours. I'll tell you everything you want to know. Just please... please I want us to work out. I want us forever. I can't stand living the same way I did for these last few weeks."

Distress was audible in his voice na hindi niya na napigilang ikulong ang mukha nito sa kanyang palad at paulanan ng halik ang binata. Oh God, she loved him so much. Love him to the deepest core of her soul at hindi niya na alam kung paanong mabubuhay ng wala si Anthony.

"I told you about Eros, didn't I?" tumango si Anthony, hinawakan ang kanyang kamay and nuzzled his face against her palm. "But I didn't told you about me."

Napatingin sa kanya si Anthony. Kumunot ang noo nito at bakas ang pag-aalala sa naging ekspresyon. "Ano'ng tungkol sa 'yo?"

"I was a professional domme, Anthony. Ginawa ko ang ginagawa ni Deanne ngayon bago pa man niya ako dalhin sa Maynila."

Kumunot ang noo ni Anthony. "A dominatrix?"

Tumango siya. "Yes. I lied by omission when I told you I'm not a sadist. I was a sadist. Until after Eros."

"What did the bastard do?"

Memories came flooding back to her. Napasinghap siya nang makita ang sarili niya sa kanyang isipan, umiiyak at awang-awa sa sarili. It was the shock, she realized. The shock of someone she loved and cared about spitting fires at her, wounding her with every word that comes out of his mouth.

Sari-saring emosyon ang naramdaman niya habang pilit na umuusad mula sa pangyayaring iyon. Una'y sakit, naging galit at naging kahihiyan nang mapagtanto niyang may punto si Eros kahit na papaano.

"Eros liked being flogged so much while restrained. It had been no secret that I like making him happy. That night we were in the dungeon. I was hoping after administering a few hits I'd tell him how I feel while locking his collar around his neck. But he unlocked the damn thing and threw it on the floor while laughing at me. He said things... like... like how I was a sick bastard, gaining pleasure from another's pain. Sinabi niyang walang magmamahal sa akin ng totoo. That being in the damn business and lifestyle would eventually be my downfall.

"Subconsciously, siguro iniisip kong totoo ang mga sinabi niya sa akin no'ng gabing 'yon. Sinubukan ko naman ulit, eh. Believe me, sinubukan kong gawin ulit ang mga bagay na ginagawa ko no'n makalipas ang anim na buwan. Pero hindi ko kaya. Pakiramdam ko nasusuka ako. I couldn't draw blood anymore, Anthony. I couldn't see a submissive in restraints because it made me feel trapped, like I was so scared that they will turn around and tell me how sick I am. How disgusting I am. You have to know that it was hard for me to trust you and what you say. But I want you to love me. I love you, baby, and I want you to feel the same way. But somehow it just... it just felt like I'm not supposed to deserve you. That I don't deserve to be loved."