Run

Emma

It had been 6 months since my world turned upside down. No one except my doctor knew about the baby because we had not announced. I was just nearing the end of the first trimester, when Tuck died in the car accident. When I arrived at the hospital the doctor who had worked on Tuck was telling me all the injuries involved in the accident and how they were unable to save him. My world had not stopped spinning since the officer came to the front door. None of this seemed real. A part of me was dead with him that night.

Everything was so white, there was so many beeping noises and people running from room to room. I was having difficulty focusing on what the doctor was telling me. I was so dizzy I almost fainted as the doctor was going over all the information, her name was June, she grabbed my arm and softly asked me if I was pregnant and I shook my head yes wondering why she was asking me. She led me into a room that I assumed was where doctors on call slept. I looked at her blankly wondering why she had brought me in here. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "Emma, I think you're having a miscarriage from the stress." I looked at her thinking why would she think that, and at that time I looked down and saw blood running down my legs. I had been hurting and thought it was just from the pain of losing Tucker in the moment.

I broke. I had never felt so much pain, physically and emotionally. Dr June held me until I couldn't cry any more, later she helped me up and took me to the bathroom, helped me clean up and gave me a pair of clothes to wear out. She did an exam later that night after I had dealt with Tuck's parents and our friends. I look back and I don't know if I could have made it in that moment without her. She still calls in to check on me and other than my mom she is the only one I talk to.

I had six months to deal with the death of my husband all while secretly mourning my baby too. It felt like a lifetime ago all while feeling like it happened yesterday. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone because no one would understand.

After the funeral I decided to shut myself off from the world. I haven't returned to work, not that I would need to because before Tucker died he had set up his trust almost like a life insurance policy, even though I had no clue. He had secretly put me as his beneficiary and let's just say I am set for life. But no one except the lawyer knew and when his parents found out they were not happy about it. What I received was not enough for them to lose sleep over, but they had always been about money so the fact they lost it to me did not go over well.

I also shut out our friends and most of my family except my mom who I still talked to, but she was off with her fifth husband living her best life so I've been able to get away with being distant, or basically a non existent human.

Most of my days consisted of running first thing in the morning for several miles. I had found that running brought pain and with enough pain it shut out some of the memories and my thoughts. When I would get home I would mostly lay around until the thoughts and memories were too much so I started to drink. Honestly, I hated the taste of alcohol but I have always got drunk fast so it didn't take much. When I would drink it was if the world got quiet and I could hear ringing in my ears and I would become so fixated on it the rest just went away.

Although, the past couple weeks I have exchanged the alcohol for a second run. I know I can't drink my life away, Tuck wouldn't want that but I felt like I deserved the right to be irresponsible and mad for just a little while. I keep thinking maybe it will get better one day, but then I wake up and it gets harder and harder. It's so damn hard.

Life is not supposed to be like this.

Today I woke up and after my run I went to the store at lunch instead of my normal time, which is first thing in the morning so I can avoid most people. If I run into people it's always the same pity party and I am not in the mood. But today I was lazy and started my run late and time got away after I had to have a long phone call with mom who insisted I start going out seeing old friends or else she was going to have me admitted to the local psych ward.

My mom can be kind of scary so I don't know if she is being serious or just joking. But right now I need some laundry detergent. I may be depressed and slowly losing my mind but I very much still want to be clean.

I get to the local grocery store and make it all the way to check out before running into someone. Not just anyone but a couple of Tucker and my old friends. Actually they were my best friends, Abigail and Lindsey.

I look away thinking if I don't make eye contact maybe they won't approach me. Boy was I wrong. I turn to see if they walked away and instead I am greeted with two firm hugs. For a second I am lost in the warmth and memories, good memories. Then as they tear up I am reminded of the pity.

"Emma, we miss you so much." Abigail says as she releases me and Lindsey nodding in agreement. I smile and reply, "I miss ya'll too but I really need to hurry back to the house I have an appointment." I lie but it's the only way to get out of these uncomfortable situations.

"We are having the annual summer bash tonight," Lindsey nonchalantly throws out there. Summer Bash was always something we did as friends. It was Abigail, Lindsey, Brady, Zach, Luke, Tucker and I, we used to all go to it; it was the kick off to summer. We had all been friends since elementary and it was a summer tradition. She then added, "we would love to see you there, we all miss you."

I wanted so badly to embrace them and tell them I miss them more than they can imagine, but I couldn't allow myself to get close to anyone ever again; I had grown to fear loss. I couldn't afford to go through it anymore, but in the back of my mind I thought of the conversation I had had with my mom this morning; her telling me if I didn't start making plans and going out she was going to put me in a mental hospital and as much as I don't want to be around people maybe this wouldn't be that bad; I could literally show up then leave and get my mom off my back, for at least a little while.

I very hesitantly replied with, "ok." I think both of their jaws dropped, but they screamed with excitement. I finished checking out with a horrible feeling in my gut instantly regretting what I just agreed to. I didn't want to see these people's faces that once used to bring me so much happiness, but now reminds me of my happiness I had with Tucker, who is now gone forever.

They hurried off and were whispering, I am sure about me but I didn't care. I didn't care about any of that anymore. I checked out and headed home to get ready for the night that I had stupidly agreed to partake in.