𝙄 𝙃𝘼𝙏𝙀𝘿 𝙔𝙊𝙐 | Chuuya Nakahara

shopping

TW MENTIONS OF ALCOHOL AND PANIC ATTACKS

"Y/N, WHEN I SAID I would take you shopping, I did not think you would want to go to every single store in the mall." Chuuya said. "Then maybe you shouldn't have said it." I said, knowing that I was bugging him. We had went to many stores, but I hadn't failed to notice the multiple bottles of alcohol Chuuya had bought. I honestly don't know how he got away with it because I personally though that he looked his age, not twenty. "I hate you." He said. All though I know he didn't mean it, it brought back a lot of painful memories. "You know you love me." I said while laughing, I saw a light pink shade dust his cheeks but I didn't question it. 

I can't remember anything after we got back to Chuuya's room, he opened a bottle of vodka and the two of us just kept drinking. The more I drank, the lesser the pit of sadness from my now ex-bestfriend leaving. It felt good. 

I woke up with a sleeping Chuuya on my chest. Though drinking last night was fun, I was regretting it. I felt so sick, with the wort headache, feeling like I had taken one of those naps where you wake up all sweaty and gross, and one of those nervous feelings that wont go away. The type of nervousness that I know was going to lead to a panic attack. I feel so scared. I don't know why, maybe because I don't remember anything, or maybe it was constantly being around drunk people as a child and being scared now because I was one. Defiantly both.  

"Chuuya.." I said, my voice barely a whisper. I couldn't talk properly without choking on my words at the moment so I started to shake him instead. Even though I was trying to shake him awake, my hands were to weak and shaky to have much force. I felt so useless. I was praying to the Gods that have failed me before that Dazai would walk in right now, that he was going to come back right now. I really needed someone and Chuuya obviously wasn't going to wake up anytime soon. My chest was starting to get tighter by the second and I took all the remining strength I had at the moment to try and get to the bathroom, not wanting to wake Chuuya anymore. 

I sat on the bathroom floor crying and trying to calm myself, but it just wasn't working. My mind racing with countless nervous thoughts. 

Suddenly I heard a knock on the bathroom door, I couldn't bring myself to open it even though I really wanted to. "Y/N if you don't hurry the fuck up I'm going to kill you." was all I heard, I can tell it was Chuuya, but I couldn't respond. At this point it would be embarrassing to have him see me like this so I covered my mouth to drown out the sound of the hyperventilating and crying. I am so scared. I was choking back sobs with the sounds escaping my through occasionally. They weren't that loud but defiantly audible. I feel so weak. Why does this happen to me. It wasn't a new thing, these panic attacks would happen ever since I was a child. The only person I ever told was Dazai. I didn't mean to even tell him but he just found me lying somewhere pathetically and helped me calm down. I felt as if I owed him an explanation. Looking back I most defiantly did not, if I wasn't ready to tell him I shouldn't have. I really, really shouldn't have. I hate him so much for leaving. But I miss him and part of me knows why he left. 

"Oh my God, Y/N hurry up!" I could hear Chuuya getting angrier by the second and I knew I had to calm down fast. His pounding on the door wasn't helping anything, in fact it was making it worse. I didn't know what to do, I felt stuck. 

It took about ten more minutes for me to calm down and eventually I walked out of the bathroom, "Wow, you look like a mess." was all I heard from the boy who was previously pounding on the door. "Fuck off." was all I responded with, I had nothing else to stay, instead of questioning why I was in there or asking if I was okay, all he could comment on was how I looked at the moment. I started gathering my things as I had no reason to stay, I didn't want to talk to him about drinking last night, I didn't want to talk about why I had locked myself in the bathroom, and I didn't want to see the stupid ginger's face. Times like this is when I wished my parents were still around, I mean one of the only things I can confirm about them is that at least one of them were German because I spoke it growing up, along with English and Japanese of course. I often found myself speaking in German when I was mad. "Where are you going?" Chuuya asked me, annoyance in his voice. "Kümmere dich um deine eigenen Angelegenheiten!" I said, not thinking about him not being able to know what I'm saying. "There you go again with your German nonsense! Think before you say shit Y/N, I have no clue what your saying when you speak German!" Chuuya was practically yelling at this point. "Ich hasse dich! That means I hate you in case you couldn't tell by the tone of my voice, so fuck off and just leave me alone!" I yelled back, I could feel the tears swelling in my eyes, daring to start streaming at any second, so before I started breaking down I ran out the door to my room. 

I spent the rest of my day pretty much sleeping and crying wishing that someone had checked on me, knowing that no one will. I feel like shit, I know I was overreacting and that I should've just laughed off Chuuya's initial comment but I couldn't help it, I just needed help. I tried to get it but couldn't, I know its not Chuuya's fault but how does someone not notice someone is sobbing in his bathroom. I should apologize. 

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Woo another chapter! Sorry for not updating I have been super busy with school recently but I have spring break now so I'll try to post but don't expect much because my school gave us four days for spring break. Two of which are the weekend. 

Translations (forgive me if my german is bad, english is my first language and im not 100% fluent in german) :

Kümmere dich um deine eigenen Angelegenheiten!-its like mind your own business, its meant to be rude. 

Ich hasse dich!-I hate you