miracle [N. SEBASTIAN]

"do you want to talk about it?"

[<3]

TW: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE
PLEASE DONT READ IF YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE!

for any of you who suffer with things such as depression, suicidal thought and many other mental disorders, know this is a safe space! my DMs are always open to talk!!
take care and I love you ❤️

——

it's 12am and I'm currently just walking around. I could've driven somewhere but I really didn't feel like it.

i walk with my hands in my hoodie pocket, the cool nights air kisses my skin and leaves a gentle smile on my face. the chirping of crickets, fill my ears, calming me.

I didn't nor do I now have a plan on where I'm going. I kinda just left and started walking somewhere. the best way to clear the mind.

I stumble across this empty park and decide to take a spot on the swings. the creak under me, nothing too annoying but still loud enough to signify how old they are.

I slowly rock back and fourth, the motions slowly trying to lull me to sleep. my phones buzzes in my pocket.

noah :) : you still awake?

me : yep. what's up?

noah :) : FaceTime?

instead of answering I just FaceTime him.

he answers immediately.

"hey, everything okay? you don't ever FaceTime." I ask.

"yeah, I'm just bored and wanted to talk to you. the boys are asleep. where are you?" he asks noticing the black sky and the horrible orange lighting coming from the street lamp.

"that's actually a really good question because I don't know."

"what do you mean "you don't know"?" he laughs.

"I don't know. I just started walking and I just found a random park." I shrug looking at my dirty converse.

"send me your location."

"are you sure you aren't a stalker?" I tease.

"oh shut up and send me your location." he laughs. I laugh too.

I send him the location and he says he will be here in 15 minutes. he stays on the phone with me while he drives. the phone sitting in his cup holder and I just continue to watch the stars.

soon I hear the phone hang up and headlight turn in my direction before stoping.

he gets out of the car and walks towards the swings.

"hey." he says.

"hey stalker." I grin.

"so whatcha doin?" he looks at me.

"star gazing. I really needed to clear my head so I went on a walk and just ended up here." I say with an underlying tone of sadness.

"do you want to talk about it?" he asks softly picking up on the tone of my voice.

I look over at him and give him a tight lipped smile before I felt my eyes burn and I look back up at the sky.

"I had this friend when I was younger. we were attached at the hip basically. always at each others houses, same classes - always together pretty much." I take a deep breath.

"her name was Sarah. I always called her Sarah Smiles because she always has that smile on her face. who knew the saddest people could always look the happiest. it was junior year, the school year was coming to an end and I had just gotten home from school. she didn't go to school that day, i talked to her previously that morning through MySpace and she had just told me she wasn't feeling well." I can feel tears slowly starting to escape. the burning in my chest only grew.

"i didn't know that would be the last interaction I had with her. that night around 11pm, we got a call. my mom woke me up and I just knew something was wrong. at 10:15pm Sarah had taken her life. I felt so guilty because I couldn't see how bad she was hurting. I felt like a horrible friend and I blamed myself for years, even though in the letter she left me, she said she didn't want help nor did she ever want me to see her pain. today marks 10 years and I guess it's just hitting really hard today and it's only been an hour into the day."

"can I hug you?" he asks suddenly.

I just nod my head and he stands up, pulling me into his embrace. I've never had someone ask if they could hug me, but it left a warm feeling on my heart.

"you do know now that it isn't you're fault, right? I know it hurts but there was nothing you could've done, especially if she didn't want help. I'm so sorry you went through that, I've experienced loss and know how the healing process goes. it takes time. I'm sure she was wonderful, a great friend even. but so are you, please don't still blame yourself. I'm always here if you need to talk. you can always call, text or show up to the house. I'll always be there, okay?" he says rubbing my back.

"thank you. really." I whisper into his chest. even in the sad moment, I can't help the warm fuzzy feelings I get wrapped in his arms.

"of course, now do you want me to take you home or do you want to just stay here a little longer." he asks.

"can we stay for a while longer?" I ask.

"of course."

we sit back on the swings in a comfortable silence. it feels good to get that off of my chest.

"you know you walked for 2 hours right?" he randomly asks.

"oops." I let out a soft laugh.

he just grins at me and shakes his head.

I smile back.

the pick up of my heartbeat doesn't go unnoticed by me, nor did the heat rising to my cheeks. but I'm glad it goes unnoticed by him.