Nobody's Sorry You're Dead

21

It was grocery shopping day. 

With list in hand, Hadley set out to refill her depleted pantry shelves. She parked her car in the municipal lot adjacent to a small park on Main Street. 

She noticed Beanie sitting on the concrete bench under the shade of a gigantic oak tree. He seemed lost in a state of deep concentration. His brow was furrowed, and he was sitting very still.

"Beanie."

"Yeah."

Beanie was staring intently at something.

"What are you looking at?" Hadley asked.

"Bunker."

"What's a Bunker, Beanie?" Hadley asked.

"Hadley, you've got so many pets at the rescue shelter. It got me to thinking," said Beanie.

"Those aren't pets, Bean," Hadley said. "They're wild animals. Sometimes the babies get separated from their parents and have no one to look after them. Or sometimes, something happens to them. When they get sick or hurt, Ruth lets them stay at the shelter, and she cares for them. Kind of like a motel, you see?"

"Ruth sure has a lot of visitors at her motel," said Beanie.

"Yes, she does. Now, what's a Bunker?" Hadley asked.

"Well," Beanie said, "I guess a Bunker is like Onus."

"What's my cat got to do with this, Bean?"

"See," Beanie said, "I been thinking. You got a pet cat."

"Yes," Hadley said, "Onus is my pet cat."

"Well, Onus is nice to have around," Beanie said. "He's good comp'ny. I think I might want a pet. For my very own."

"Now, Bean," Hadley said, "you got to really think long and hard about owning a pet. It's a lot of responsibility. Feeding and watering. Every day. Not just when you remember.

If your pet gets sick, you have to take it to the vet. You've got to think about things like that. Remember, there are too many dogs and cats in the world. Beanie, if you don't want to add to the problem, you've got to have your pet fixed so it won't have babies. That's an operation, Beanie, and it costs money.

There's a lot to consider with pet ownership. Pets are nice, but they are like children. They are an investment of time and money if you're going to treat your pet right."

"I hadn't thought about all that, Hadley," Beanie said. "But I don't think Bunker will be too much trouble. And I don't believe he will eat all that much. Just a few crumbs of anything I have left over."

"Bean, you can't feed your pet crumbs. You'll have to go to the store and buy cat or dog food."

"But Hadley, I don't think Bunker can eat all that before it goes bad. I'm sorry, but I just don't."

"Beanie," Hadley said, "what is Bunker? Let me see him. I'll tell you how much he can eat."

Beanie showed Hadley his hand.

"Where's the cat? Where's the dog?" Hadley said. "I don't see one, Bean."

"No, Hadley," Beanie said. "Right here."

Beanie pointed to a black speck on his hand.

"Bunker's an ant."

"An ant! You named an ant after a great battle. I'm really impressed, Bean."

"What are you talking about?" asked Beanie.

"The Battle of Bunker Hill," said Hadley.

"No, silly," Beanie said. "I didn't name him after a great battle. I named him after chili."

"Chili," said Hadley.

"Yeah," said Beanie. "That stuff's so good. I eat it right out of the can."

"Cold chili," said Hadley. "Straight out of the can."

"Yeah."

"That sounds about as appetizing as cleaning the toe jam from between your toes and spreading it on a peanut butter sandwich."

"You eat toe jam!" said Beanie.

"No," Hadley said. "Of course not. That's a figure of speech, Bean. Figure of speech."

"Good," said Beanie. "You had me worried for a minute."

"Don't worry, Bean," said Hadley. "My toe jam's snug as a bug in a rug in my shoes."

"If I spread bread crumbs all over my house," said Beanie, "I think Bunker will have enough to eat, don't you?"

"Bean, if you sprinkle bread crumbs all over your house, you'll have so many Bunkers, you won't be able to shake a stick at them."

"A Bunker family reunion," said Beanie.

"Exactly," said Hadley. "Tell you what. You leave Bunker on this nice blade of grass. Right here. See? He needs to build himself his very own ant home right here among his ant friends."

"He'd be lonely if I took him to live with me?" Beanie asked.

"Yes," said Hadley. "You leave Chili, ah, I mean Bunker here, and I'll give you half of Onus."

"Really, Hadley?"

"Really. But we'll let him stay at my house," she said. "He's already used to it there. You can come and visit anytime you like. Okay?"

Beanie's brow furrowed deeply. He frowned.

"What is it, Bean?" Hadley asked.

"Which half."

"Beg pardon," Hadley said.

"Which half," Beanie said. "Do I get the part that's got sharp teeth or the end that makes a stink?"

Hadley thought for a second.

"With Onus, either end can be deadly. You take the fur on his back, Bean," Hadley said. "The part of his back that runs from between his ears to the tip of his tail will be yours. It's soft and fluffy. When you rub him there, he purrs."

"That's a nice half, Hadley," Beanie said. "Onus sounds like a motor when he does that."

"The motor's yours, too. We'll throw that in for free," said Hadley.

"You're a good friend, Hadley."

"Thanks, Bean. So are you."

"The best, Hadley?"

"The best, Bean."