𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐑𝐄 𝐊𝐈𝐃𝐒, 𝐭.𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐨𝐧𝐬

21. acceptance

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WARNINGS: first person 4 this one!! mentions
grieving and such, i promise this story isn't
just gonna be valerie sad the entire
time, enjoy nevertheless !!  :).

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grieving had been the hardest thing that i had ever gone through in the entire eighteen years i'd lived. it came in waves, so the days were different, some harder than others. regardless, i had a job and i had to continue with it, as hard as it was. so, i did, after a short two week break i went back to youtube, posting under my regular schedule as well as appearing in my friend's own videos.

i felt more alone than ever, i knew i had my friends by my side and willing to help at any time necessary, but they also have lives they had to tend to. tommy was with jack, freddie and his tour managers, planning his tour around the uk which he was yet to talk about online. larissa was busy with work, working daily with night shifts. wilbur was busy with lovejoy, planning their own tour and doing rehearsals. bill was simply just busy with his own things. i understood they had other things to do, and i certainly didn't expect them to drop it all for me, but that didn't stop me from feeling lonely.

i spent the day lounging in my room, grease playing on my tv, multiple snacks surrounding me. this wasn't one of my more severe depressive episodes – my friends were still getting responses, and i'd brushed my teeth and had a shower. rather than shutting the world out, it'd be classed more as alone time. it felt necessary, i'd been spending all of my time surrounding myself with people, and at a point it started to get overwhelming.

don't get me wrong; my friends meant everything to me. but time to myself was something i valued, and i wasn't getting quite enough of it.

the film came to and end, and with perfect timing my door started to open. "hi, love, you alright?" my mother's comforting voice spoke, popping her head into my room.

"i'm alright, thank you mum. you can come in." i answered the question she was yet to ask, but i knew she was dying to come and sit down. "how was work?"

"it was good, actually. my manager said that i'm on my way to a promotion, so that's good. you been out today? had anything to eat, drink?"

"good and no, i've been in bed all day." i admitted, "i had cereal for breakfast and all this shit," i laughed, signalling to the empty sweet and chocolate wrappers around my bed.

she shook her head whilst letting out a soft chuckle, "i was thinking about ordering a takeaway tonight, and watching gogglebox, y'know like we used to?"

"we can." i smiled and nodded, "as long as the takeaway includes donner meat and chips, you have a deal!"

"of course," she laughed, placing her hand on my knee over her duvet. "just let me have a shower and i'll order it, i love you, and i'm proud of you."

i gave her a small hug before she hurried out of my room to shower. my mum and i were in the same boat- struggling. she just lost her husband and high school sweetheart, and i'd just lost my dad. we were each struggling and grieving all of the time, but we still had each other.

whilst she showered, i changed my shorts to joggers and my shirt to a hoodie. my outfits recently simply contained shorts, hoodies and joggers.

she called my name around an hour later, to which i made my way downstairs, joining her in the living room. her attire, much alike mine, looked comfortable, a dressing gown wrapped tightly around her waist.

"it's gonna be here in twenty minutes," she informed me, "gogglebox is on, though."

typically, i'd sit on the other couch, but instead i sat beside my mum, resting my head on her shoulder.

"what's on your mind?" she muttered, wrapping her arms around me.

"dad." i replied, "just hitting me, i think i've finally accepted it."

"it's hard accepting it, i know." she sighed, rubbing my arm up and down gently. "you know how proud he would be of you? your dad loved you more than he loved anybody else in this world, he was so proud of you and he is still now. he's not gone, darling, he's watching over you."

"i love you," i paused. "so much."

"i love you too, ree." she spoke, placing a small kiss to my temple.