Believe in Me [Joseph Seed/The Father - Far Cry 5]

23. Finally

What the fuck was that?

Was Joseph flirting with me? Trying to seduce me? I need to know his intentions.

I paced my room, my hands combing through my long locks. I didn't realize how long my hair had gotten until now. Not having access to a hair stylist would do that. So impulsively, I reached for my pocket knife that I kept in my nightstand (that the Seed siblings didn't know about), and sauntered to my bedroom mirror that hung on my door. As I cut my hair up to my shoulders, I realized how much better I had started to look. My face was fuller, my cheeks weren't sunken in, my eyes didn't have black bags under them, my body was curvier from gaining more weight, and my shoulders were broader. The only thing was that I was still pale from the lack of sun.

As I continued to cut my hair with my pocket knife, I gazed at the way I looked. I appeared healthier. And mentally, I was healthier too. Lost in my thoughts, I realized I had finished cutting off numerous inches of my hair. Putting my knife in my pocket, my hands clutched my mirror. My long hair was now short, laying atop my shoulders. It didn't look like it was cut by a professional, but it would do.

My mind kept wandering to Joseph's words and actions. And why did I react the way that I did? Why did I feel warmth from his touch? Why did I blush when he touched me? What was happening to me? What was happening to the hardened, cold-hearted, vengeful Deputy? I felt soft, weak... Living with the crazed cult leader that I had tried so hard to stop, to kill... I killed his older brother, his protector. I slaughtered most of his followers. So why would he do that to me? Was he just trying to lure me into a trap?

And then my thoughts traveled to Joseph's journal. He had written about me. About me being Hell, the one that could not walk away. And eventually I would change, and be named Hell no longer. But am I changing?

My eyes widened in realization... I'm changing into a different person. I'm not the Deputy anymore... Joseph is right like he always is... Is this a good thing?

Those people I killed... They were innocent. They may have followed Joseph, but they weren't all bad people. They had families, they had children, they had parents, they had spouses, and I took their lives. Nothing would be able to change that. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel guilty... So I just started crying, glaring at myself in the mirror... burning holes into my own face. I was disgusted with myself.

All this time, I believed Joseph was the villain. But it took me this long to realize that the villain all this time was me... And I continued to cry until I couldn't anymore. I cried because of all I've endured: losing my brother, losing my girlfriend, killing countless people, the world ending. I just grieved all whom I've lost, including myself along the way.

When my crying has ceased, I took Mary May's note from my pocket that she had written me before she died and reread it.

Morgan,
I know when you wake up, you'll find this letter. I want you to know that I had to leave to help the Resistance and I found out by using Joseph's radio and was able to get ahold of Eli. They're all in Jacob's bunker safe, but they have little food. I left in the middle of the night because I don't want you to come after me. I don't want you to get hurt... If I told you goodbye, I know you wouldn't let me leave, and it'd be too hard for me to go. Brave is what you are, and you are what I aspire to be. And don't try to be the hero just this once and stay in this bunker. I need to do my part... All I want is for you to forgive me for this, please.
It's all I ask. I love you dearly.

Хохо,
Mary May

I read her letter she wrote to me over and over and over again. One last tear rolled down my check, dripping onto her name. And I knew what I had to do. I had gotten a lighter out of my nightstand and lit the letter on fire before throwing it into the trash can. I'm finally letting her go. She wouldn't want me to live my life forever mourning her, and that's what I'm aiming to do. For her.

"I'm sorry, Mary May. I just hope I get to see you again one day." My voice cracked as my heart broke all over again. "I love you..." I spoke softly, watching her letter turn into nothing but ash. "Say hi to my brother for me. Tell him I miss him please."

I put the lighter back into my nightstand, still gazing at the remnants of her letter.

And in that moment, I knew why I had reacted to Joseph's touch in that way. I was beginning to fall for him. All this time I was pushing him away because I was afraid of what would happen. And I was scared because he was supposed to be my enemy, but now he's not.

Without another thought, I had rushed out of my bedroom, headed for Joseph's office because I knew he'd be in there. I didn't even knock, but when I opened his office door, he was sitting at his desk, writing in his journal. When he turned to me, he had a look of surprise on his face. And I couldn't resist him any longer. I took large strides to him, taking both my calloused hands, placing them on his cheeks. Then I did the most shocking thing... I finally kissed him. I kissed Joseph Seed.