Mrs Scuderi

chapter thirty Three

              Fabiana's Pov
"What is always up with you really?" Julie asks after i tell her everything. "What? I just told you i might be in love with her," i say not understanding why she's not on my side. "You faked a whole marriage to a woman you met and fucked the same day, treated her like trash because you were too scared of your feelings for her, got her pregnant then got mad that she didn't want to keep it because youve shown her enough times she'll never be anything more to you and when she needed a friend for just a few minutes you messed it all up?" She asks summarizing about everything. Hearing it from her perspective made me realize how instead of trying to win her over i was  pushing her even further.

But i was scared, that she might not feel the same way and i don't know what I'd do if she chose someone else after my confession. "Why did you actually want her to keep the baby?" She asks drinking her milkshake. She's gotten awfully comfortable with me lately. "Because there's no one else I'd rather have kids with," "because you love her?" "No because she's the kindest, considerate,loyal, caring among other things and I'd want my kids to have such qualities,"i say simply. "So she's the woman you can see a future with in short? You're so smitten it's sad,"she says . I told her this because she would understand what it's like to be in love, she was married after all but she's not helping.

I should have cleared it with her that there was nothing going on between Julie and I even though she was grieving her cheating husband, but i was too busy trying to figure out whether she felt the same way about me. She was the one with the no falling in love rule. I keep replaying that night when I shouted my feelings for her and the look she gave me. Like it was impossible for me to say such words. Like they hurt more than me telling her she was nothing to me. It's been over week and it's killing me to not know how she is, who she's talking to, if she's thinking about me in any way or if she still wants anything to do with me.

"I miss her Julie,"i say genuinely. "Did you try calling? Going over to her house? Asking her friend how she is?"she asks like it's basic knowledge . The truth is I haven't done it because I'm scared that things might not play out the way i have them in my head. "She doesn't want anything from me,"i say.

"Did she tell you that?"

"She left,"

"Because she's going through something and you made it even worse by uncovering her wound before she could even process,"she says offing the alarm on her phone. "I have to pick my kid from school but stop torturing yourself over something that can be fixed if done right,"she says grabbing her stuff and walking out of the Cafe. Leaving me there to think hard on everything she said. After contemplating on whether i should call her or not i decide to go to the place where it all started, the navigli. I walk there because it's not far from the cafe i was in. I watch couples walk slowly enjoying each other's company while others just stood by the wall just admiring the view of the sunset. I stand there Abit longer watching because of how calm it is. I look down and my eyes immediately land on a familiar face in a baby blue dress that falls to her feet with her also watching the sunset.

I rush over to her without thinking. Not nervous because she's means more than a lot to me but feeling the need to hug  her so tightly like i should have when she needed me. To kiss her soft lips and tell her that it's okay, that its her body. "Amelia?" I call her and she turns in one swift motion to look at me. I cup her face and connect my lips with hers softly pouring my feelings into the kiss before pulling away. She glances at me as if trying to process something before she kisses me again with just as much intensity and it's like everything has led us to this moment. A moment i want to stay in for a while  because of how safe and warm it feels.We break the kiss for air and i don't know what this means.

"Is it so wrong that i want you to be mine? That i want us to be more than what the fuck this is? Because i can't keep doing this. I can't keep lying to myself that i don't want more with you because it's fucking both of us up so badly,"i say and she stands there searching my eyes. "I lost someone too Fabi and no where in grieving does one hurt someone the way you have,"she says taking a half step back. "I'm so so sorry,"i say making her wipe a stray tear from her soft cheeks. "I can't do this anymore Fabi,not with you,"she says walking away from me."I didn't choose to like that annoying conditioner you use on your hair or how you care for me or how you put me in my place, how you smile, god your fucking smile. How it makes me want to punch whoever it's  directed to if it's not me and how good that annoying nickname sounds when it's coming from you,"i say making her stop to listen with her back still facing me before she turns striding back to me and i feel a hot sharp pain across my cheek. "No you don't get to do that. Force me to shove my feelings for you down so deep with the way you treat me then come here and tell me that you've had these feelings like you're the only one allowed to have them,"

"That's not what I'm doing,"

"i didn't kill our baby! That doctor had it taken out of me without my consent. I pleaded but they didn't care. I wanted you to be my side like i was for just one second but you made it about you, your anger towards me. Loving you was just too painful Fabi,"she says and i can see how drained she is by all this. If what she's saying is true then who would want to have her go through something like that on purpose? Wait was?she loves me? I move closer to her and wrap her in a warm hug understanding how selfish it is for me to just tell her I feel when I didn't let her do the same, wondering whether she still feels the same now. "I love you Amelia, and i want to do this right if you let me,"i say genuinely.

"I can't love you especially when i know i can't be enough for you,"she says in a soft voice with her head still on my chest and i pull her away from me gently so i can look at her face. "Let me show you how more than enough you are to me Tesoro," i say. "I'm leaving for London tomorrow,"she says making my muscles tense and i can feel my heart breaking at the statement. "This was a mistake, coming here. I've lost more than i came with,"she says cupping my cheeks and tiptoing to kiss my forehead so i bow Abit to make it easier. "Take care of yourself Fabi,"she says before walking away from me leaving me there not knowing what to do, go after her because i love her or let her go because i hurt her. I see her friend Ophelia get out of her car hugging her looking over to me with an unreadable face before she gets in and they drive off.