The Totally Lame Joke Book

Dad Jokes

Rest in peace boiled water you will be mist.

I wrote a song about a Tortilla actually it's more of a wrap.

Why do you never pigs hiding in trees, because they can't get in trees 

Hear about that guy who dipped his balls in glitter? Pretty nutz.

What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs

I just found out I'm colorblind. News came out of the purple

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know but the flag is a big plus.

Why'd Billy get fired from the banana factory? Kept throwing away the bent ones.

I used to be addicted to soap. I'm clean now.

What's the best name for a man who can't stand? Neil.

Singing is fun until you get soap in your mouth, then it's soap opera.

I could tell a joke about pizza but it's cheesy.

What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 cent featuring nickelback.

I like telling dad jokes, sometimes he laughs 😮‍💨

What do you call a fish with two knees? a twoknee fish.

What does a carb-loving zombie love to eat? Grains

What kind of car does an egg drive? A Yolkswagon

What sound does a nut make when it sneezes? CASHEW!

Why do ducks have feathers on their butt, to cover their buttquack

Why is it called a Microwave when it doesn't even wave at you?

Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It was feeling crumby.

Which bear is the most condescending? A pan-duh.

Where do you learn to make ice cream? Sundae school.

Once I was kidnapped by mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

I accidentally took my cat's meds last night. Don't ask meow (me how)

I was incredibly surprised when the stationary store moved.

Why did the bullet end up losing his job? He got fired.

I entered ten puns in a contest to see which one would win. No pun in 10 did

Did you guys know that they're releasing a tenth Fast and Furious movie already. It's gonna be called Fast 10 your seatbelt

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.

I completed my first jigsaw puzzle the other day. I'm really proud of myself, it said 3-5 years on the box and it only took me 18 months.

So I'm gonna start a business to teach math to short people. It will be called making the little things count.

Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Got stuck in a crack.

I always knock on the refrigerator door before opening it. Just in case there's salad dressing.

If Jada Smith doesn't like jokes about alopecia, then that's hair loss.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type, as he died he kept insisting be positive (b+) but it's hard without him.

How did non-binary people harm each other? They/them.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it to roll up a joint. Now he's high on the list on the list of people I never wanna talk to again.

When I die, I want to be cremated. It's my last chance to have a smoking-hot body

Why don't eggs tell jokes? Because their eggs.

If the early bird catches the worm, I'll sleep until there are pancakes.

What vegetable is cool, but not that cool? Rad-ish.

What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal? A polar bear.

If 666 is all evil then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.

65,454,957 people got married last year. I don't want to start any problems, but I feel like that should be an even number.