Forbidden Desires {Ziall AU}

Chapter 7: it's like the walls are caving in

chapter title from In My Blood by Shawn Mendes

Hi! welcome back, I once again have updated the content warnings. This is not only for this chapter but also for the rest of the book, please review to make sure you are okay with this before continuing.

Anyway, I'm going to see AOTV next week with my bsf and I'm so going to be sobbing through the whole thing.

Enjoy the chapter!

It's getting unbearable to keep it from Liam. I know he wouldn't care in the slightest, but it doesn't feel like reality if no one knows. If no one knows, I can convince myself that it doesn't matter, that it doesn't mean what I know it means.

It's easier to convince myself that it's not real.

I know Liam thinks something's up, although he hasn't mentioned anything to me. I know he saw the scratches down my back Niall left the other day, and I know he wanted to ask me who they were from. I guess he knew better. I know he keeps on finding things that don't belong to me, but he puts them on my side of the room without a word. I think it's hurting him, that I'm not telling him what's happening. But I don't know how to tell him, and he won't understand.

It's not until three weeks after the scratches that he finally confronts me.

The dorm's door closes with a click, "Hey,"

I glance up from my phone, seeing him dumping his laptop on the desk by the door. "Hi." I reply.

He shrugs off his shiny leather jacket, opening the closet door to throw it in. I stare at him as he freezes, eyebrows furrowed.

"You ok?"

I can see the rage spread across his face before he yanks out a pale blue cardigan, "Who's fucking clothes are these?" he yells.

My eyes widen.

I remember Niall bringing that.

I remember teasing him about it.

I remember him getting embarrassed.

I remember kissing his flushed face.

As I'm about to open my mouth to make some bullshit excuse, he halts my thoughts, "And don't you dare try to tell me they're yours."

I open my mouth again, but its only then I realise I have no idea what to say. I don't know what to tell him.

He puts the cardigan down, pacing through the dorm.

I watch on, unable to speak a word. It's pitiful, how as soon as he is mentioned I shut down. I forget how to protect myself, how to lie. I've lied to people my entire life, covering up the parts of myself I didn't want anyone else to see. How has the Irish boy with the kind smile managed to break down the walls I've spent my entire life trying to build? It's pathetic. Pathetic how I want to cry, how I want to run to him, how I want to get us as far away from here as possible.

"Jesus Christ, just fucking talk to me Zayn!" I jump as his voice, his face still red and filled with anger.

He's never been angry at me before, not like this at least. I put my head down, staring at my oh-so-interesting hands. I don't know what to tell him. I don't know what he wants to hear. I don't think I've ever felt so utterly lost in my entire life.

His voice pierces through my whirlwind thoughts. "What about the blond kid you're always staring at?" he says.

I whip my head up, "This has nothing to do with Niall." I assert, and I can see that Liam is returning to his normal colour. He calmer now, and he's finally not yelling at me.

He crosses his arms, raising an eyebrow, "So you're on a first name basis?"

I tense and it feels like that all I've done since he walked in. "That's none of your business," I mumble, hoping that he won't pry anymore. But of course, he can't read my damn mind. If he could, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

His gaze rests on the side of my head, and the bed dips beside me. "What's happening?" he whispers, putting a hand on my arm.

I take a deep breath, willing the tears to not fall. "Nothing."

He scoffs, "You expect me to believe that? You almost had a heart attack when I mentioned him." I can hear the softness in his voice, and it makes me feel that much worse.

"Stop." I warn. I don't want him to say it. Please don't say it.

Don't cry.

Don't cry.

I hear him through my constant mantra, and it's enough to set me off. "I don't care if you're-"

"Stop!" I yell, jumping off the bed, "Just, stop." I'm pleading now, and I can hear the desperation in my voice. He stares at me, shocked by my sudden outburst.

The tears are blurring my vision now and come to think of it I don't think Liam has ever seen my cry. I don't cry in front of anyone. I only let the tears flow in the darkness of solitude when I know no one is around. When I know that no one will see my weakness, my vulnerability. I let myself free-fall, broken and crying out to the demons in my mind.

Everyone in my life thinks I'm so put together, that I have everything under control. But I think I'm the most broken of all. No one knows about the faint scars that litter my forearms, not even Liam. No one knows about the sleepless nights at home or the bruises I've had to cover up. I wish I could be the person everyone sees, the one who always knows what to do and has no regrets. Because the truth is, I have regrets. Lots of regrets.

Niall isn't one of them.

I turn to walk out the door, but Liam grabs my arm. "I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

I merely stare at the ground, listening to him ramble out apologies. I don't want to hear them; I want to leave. "Just let me go." I mumble, and I see his face crumble out of the corner of my eye. I feel bad doing this to him, but I can't deal with this right now. He loosens his grip and I slide my arm out, making my way down the hall. He doesn't follow.

I feel dazed, and my cheeks are wet, so I go to the only place I know I won't be judged. I knock on the door incessantly, and he opens it with a sour look. That is until he sees my dishevelled state, to which he softens instantly. If it was anyone else, I would be annoyed at them for going soft on me, but this time I'm grateful. I'll never get over his piercing blue eyes and tousled blond hair.

He moves aside to let me in, and I crash myself into him with no hesitation. I'm sobbing now, and I don't care that he can hear me. His tentative arms lock around my waist, holding me tight. And I know, I'm safe.

Word Count: 1134