Forbidden Desires {Ziall AU}

Chapter 15: dead and gone and buried

chapter title from All Too Well (10 Minute Version) by Taylor Swift

Hello lovely people!

This chapter has been an absolute roller coaster to write. I wrote this over a few days then went to edit this morning, misclicked, and deleted the freshly edited chapter lol. I still had the old one, so it wasn't a complete disaster. There are a few trigger warnings that apply for this chapter so I will put them here in the notes.

TW- slurs, violence, (slight) homophobia, breakdowns, gang references

"Look, I know you don't want to go-"

I squeeze my eyes even tighter, pulling the blanket further over my head. If I hide enough the world might forget me. A few months ago I would have jumped at the chance to do a mission like this, but the person I am now wants nothing to do with it. I want nothing to do with it. I don't want to hurt people anymore. I don't care what my father wants. I've realised that I've spent so much time being what my dad wants that I don't know what I want anymore. He helped me realise that. When I was with him, I felt like I could be whoever I wanted. I felt like I was at home. But I'm the one who fucked that all up, great job me. Helping myself out, yet again.

The bed dips next to me, "Zayn, you need to get up. I know you don't want to, but we need to go soon."

No. Leave me alone. Please leave.

He sighs, and without warning yanks the blanket off me. I hiss at the cold air around me, shooting Liam a glare. "You weren't listening to me, what did you expect me to do."

"Not that," I grumble, sitting up on the side of the bed.

"Please talk to me," he asks, giving me a small smile. "I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."

I mull it over for a moment. I should tell him. I throw my head back, groaning. "I just don't want to do this shit anymore," I reach for the cigarettes on the side table and light one, taking a long drag.

"You used to love it," he points out, taking the stick out of my hand to take a drag of his own.

"I don't think I ever did; I think I was looking for my father's approval. I don't think I ever 'loved' it." I walk to the cupboard grabbing a shirt to change into. "I don't know, but I don't want to do it." He opens his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. "I know I have to go, you don't have to lecture me."

He laughs, walking over to wrap me up in a bone-crushing hug, "When the hell did you get so mature, where's the old Zayn gone?"

I smile into his shoulder. I know I would never admit it aloud, but Liam gives the best hugs. Sorry, Niall. "Dead, gone, buried."

***

"Are we sure this is the right place?" I ask, assessing the looming apartment building stretching into the sky. It doesn't exactly look like the type of building that someone owing us money would live in. Not that I'm one to judge. The building looks modern, sleek designs spanning the length of the property.

One of the people on my 'team' answers, sifting through the paled yellow information folder, "I'm pretty sure,"

I scoff, turning to look at her. "Well, 'pretty sure' isn't good enough, do you realise how bad it would be if we stormed in on the wrong apartment?" she stares back at me with wide eyes, mouth clamped tightly shut.

Liam grabs my shoulder, bringing me around and giving me a pointed look. I shrug him off, staring out the tinted window. I know I'm acting like a dick, you don't have to point it out.