Forbidden Desires {Ziall AU}

Chapter 18: trust him like a brother

chapter title from Call It What You Want by Taylor Swift

Hi everyone!

Welcome back to another installment of making my characters hate their lives (joking). That's kind of what it feels like though.

Gonna be honest, I had higher expectations for this chapter in my head but it is what it is.

Enjoy!

NIALL'S POV

Too much, too much, 's all too much. Why can't he understand I need him to leave me alone. I thought I made it obvious. I spent weeks chasing my perfectly crafted façade, taking the long routes to class so I wouldn't have to pass him. I told myself I couldn't do that again. I said I wouldn't get attached and look where it's gotten me. Pacing in my room long after my lunch break has ended but I can't be arsed to go back to class.

I don't have anyone. I'm alone. There's no one here I can talk to, not that anyone would listen.

I tug my hair, stopping in the middle of the room and trying to regain my composure. I pull my phone out of my pocket and call the only person I know will care.

"Hey man," the deep voice rumbles through the phone, and I feel my body relax more than it has in weeks. Have you ever heard of platonic soulmates? I found mine. "How've you been?"

I sigh, running a hand down my heavy face. "D'you want the short answer or the long one?"

He stays silent for a few beats, but makes a sympathetic reply, "That bad, is it?"

I nod, before I remember he can't hear me. "Yeah," I mumble, "that bad."

I tell him about everything, from start to finish. From that day in the workhouse to the moment in the gym I'm never going to forget. I don't cry because I don't care. I can't care.

But I do.

"Hold on..." he trails, "let me go over this again," I hum to let him know I'm listening, "So, you met someone, and you won't tell me his name. But you like him, and you had a fight. But he's trying to talk to you, and you're running away."

I sigh, "About right."

The other line stills, as though he is thinking. When he eventually speaks, it's with a hint of apprehension. "Are you sure that this has nothing to do with Shawn?"

The name alone makes my body shiver, and I have to fight to not think about the days I spent staring at my body in the mirror. All the time I wasted wondering what I needed to change, why he didn't touch me,. "I don't know what you're talking about." I state, swallowing the lump forming in my throat.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about," he presses. I thought he was going to end it there, but he decides to blaze through. "Look, I know what you went through was horrible, and disgusting and he is a horrible human being. But I need you to know that not everyone is like that. I know it's terrifying to even think about someone in that light again, but if you do like this guy, and don't deny it, you're a fucking open book. You should talk to him. But you need to communicate with him, you know that. So much as you want to, we both know that you can't run away without an explanation, you at least owe him that. Even if you decide that this isn't something you want, you need to tell him that, alright?"

my head is definetly spinning. Too many words. "Yeah," I reply in a daze.

"What do you think you're going to do then?" he asks.

I hang my head, sliding down my wall. "I don't know,"

"That's alright, you don't have to know right away." He says, "You remember when I first liked someone? I came running to you, you looked so scared."

I laugh wetly, "Yeah, I thought you had gone insane."

"I think I did," he laughs.

I smile, sitting in a comfortable silence. I forgot what it was like to be able to talk to your best friend about something. I forgot what it feels like to have that weight lifted off your shoulders when that person listens to you. I'm brought back by the crash of something through the line and a faint curse. I furrow my brows, "You alright?" I question.

I can hear his irritation through the line, "Yes, sorry. I'm at work right now, on my break."

The guilt immediately floods my system, hitting me like a freight train. I didn't even think of that when I called, I should've asked. I should ask how he is. I'm a terrible friend. "Sorry, I shouldn't have called..." I mumble.

He's quick to cut off my train of thought, "Don't you dare say that. Niall, I'm your friend, I love you like a brother, if you need to talk I'm always here, got it?"

I make a sound, and he must decide that's good enough.

"I'm gonna be an absolute hypocrite now, but I do have to go. I think they're gonna burn the place down." He laughs.

I laugh along, "You can go, I'm alright." I manage to keep the shakiness out of my voice, but even in my head, it doesn't sound too believable.

"Ok," he says, and there's shuffling over the line. "But I'm gonna text you later, yeah?"

"Yeah." I reply.

I can hear the smile in his voice. "Bye, Niall."

"Bye."

The tone sounds when he hangs up, and the fleeting moments of comfort start to fade. To only be replaced with nothing but the empty hole that's slowly but steadily digging its way through my soul. I pull my knees to my chest, resting my arms on top.

That's when the first tear falls.