Forbidden Desires {Ziall AU}

Chapter 8: I'm always trapped inside my fuckin' head

chapter title from How I'm Feeling Now by Lewis Capaldi

Hello!

I've been feeling productive this week (by productive I mean ignoring all my schoolwork and writing this, I have too many things due that I'm choosing to ignore) so here's another chapter.

TW for panic attacks and implied depression

Liam and I haven't spoken since that day.

I've moved rooms, and I can't bear to look him in the eyes anymore. It's tearing me apart that he seems fine, I know it's cruel, you don't have to tell me. Knowing that he's hurting means we meant something to him. Although we're fighting, I'm holding out hope that he has the decency to not tell anyone. The irrational part of my mind tells me that he will tell everyone before I get a chance to tell him. I know he knows, but he is waiting for me to tell him myself. He hasn't tried to press me, but I saw the anxious look in his eye when I moved out. He's giving me space, which I appreciate. Although I know he's worried about me.

I told Niall something happened and he didn't press me. He merely held me until my body had stopped shaking. He glided his hand over my tear-stained cheek and let me rest on him until I passed out from exhaustion. He's started to become an escape of sorts, where I go when I hate reality, which seems to be a lot lately. On the nights I feel like I'm going to float away, he's always there to hold me until I drift into an uneasy sleep.

You would think for someone who has a whole gang behind him I would have a lot of friends, but the truth is Liam was all I had. I don't trust anyone, and I know they wouldn't hesitate to stab me in the back if given the chance.

That's how I've ended up sitting alone in the back corner of the cafeteria with nothing but my blasting earbuds to keep my company.

Oh, darlin', it goes on and on and on

Always, forever, till I'm barely holdin' on

End of my tether and I know it won't be long

It won't be long till it's gone

I don't think I've ever felt so alone in my life, so far from reality that sometimes I wonder if I'm dreaming. If this is a nightmare I can wake up from. It's like I'm teetering on the edge of a cliff, one damn step away from falling into the bottomless abyss. I look out over the cafeteria, seeing everyone gathered with the people they know. I feel alienated, like I'm on the outside looking in.

So here's to my beautiful life

That seems to leave me so unsatisfied

No sense of self, but self-obsessed

I'm always trapped inside my fuckin' head

Someone taps on my shoulder, and when I look over Liam's girlfriend is the one sitting next to me. She manages to give me a small smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes.

"Aliyah," I start, and I'm more shocked than anything to see her here. I look down at the uneaten food in front of me, "shouldn't you be with Liam?"

"I could ask you the same thing."

I don't look at her, fiddling with my food. We drift into a small silence while the thoughts run rampant through my head. She never talks to me without Liam here, and it's not hard to figure out what she wants.

"He misses you." She whispers. That's the exact moment my eyes well with tears, "He won't admit it, but I can tell."

She's looking at me like she expects me to say something, so I mumble the question floating through my head. "What do you want?"

"What happened between you two? You were always inseparable but now your not speaking, and you moved out..." I hate that I can hear the slight tremble in her voice, the last thing I want is people walking on eggshells around me.

I sigh, rubbing my hands over my face. "Why don't you ask Liam?"

She shakes her head, "He won't tell me."

That alone makes my ears prick up, he tells her everything. Don't make me talk about the time I had to explain why I downed a bottle of vodka and blacked out. That was bad enough with the splitting hangover the next morning. She's the one person that I thought Liam might have told.

I don't want to tell her, and there is a part of me that is thankful he didn't.

"Look Zayn, I care about you. Your Liam's best mate for gods' sake! And it's obvious something's wrong." She pauses for me to say something, but when it's evident I'm going to stay silent she continues, "I want to help you."

No. "You can't help me." I stand up, stumbling over the bench and rushing towards the door. The faint sound of my name rings through my ears. But it's drowned out by the rapid thrumming of my heart, banging against my ribcage for desperate escape.

I knock on the familiar door, waiting for his face while I wipe my shaking hands on my jeans. For the first time, there's no answer. I knock again, silence. A swooping feeling fills my stomach at the realisation that he's not here.

I race down the hall, searching for the only thing to keep me grounded right now. Why is the air so stuffy here? I grab at the collar of my shirt, trying to get air into my lungs. I can't breathe. I make my way to the roof, bursting through the rusted metal door. I throw my tie off my neck and undo my shirt, ripping a few buttons in the process. Pacing around the roof the puzzle pieces click in my head.

Panic attack. I'm having a panic attack.

I haven't had a panic attack in years, and I ignorantly thought I had gotten over them. Thought that they were a phase I'm not in anymore. Pacing, I put my hands on my head, trying to get the slightest bit of oxygen to my lungs.

One, two, three, in...

One, two, three, out...

Why can't I breathe? I can hear my rapid gasps through the chilly night air while my mind runs in circles. I can't breathe, why can't I fucking breathe? I'm going to die tonight. I'm going to die all because of me and my stupid fucking head. I'm shaking from head to toe now and I can feel the sweat dripping down my back. Why now?

Leave me alone.

I start pulling on my hair, almost ripping it from my scalp when I feel a pair of arms wrap around me. It makes me flinch, but they don't back away.

"Just breathe," the Irish accent soothes, "do it with me, yeah?"

His hand makes its way to my chest, pressing his palm flat against me. I link my fingers with his other hand around my waist, squeezing tight. His chest rises and falls behind me while he coaches me through it. When my breathing settles, my legs give out, only him holding me up. He lowers us to the ground slowly, with me between his legs for once. The tears are streaming down my face now, sobs tearing through my chest.

"You're ok." He whispers, rocking us slightly. "I've got you."

Word Count: 1193