Forbidden Desires {Ziall AU}

Chapter 12: i wonder if your friends have had to carry you home

chapter title from is it just me? by Emily Burns

Hello lovely people!

This is a short update, it's basically preparation for the next chapter not going to lie. But we're getting close to the whole concept that inspired this crazy ride in the first place.
Hopefully, the next chapter will be out in the next week or 2, but I'm not going to promise anything... I've got a few things coming up, but then the holidays so I'll try to write as much as I can in those 3 weeks.

Enjoy! :)

As a person, I like being feared, having some sort of control over people. Enough to make them keep their distance. But the rules change when it's someone you... Someone you care about so deeply that it feels like they've left a permanent mark on you. A mark that will stay with you forever. One that breaks you down and tears you apart with haunting memories and regrets. It consumes you, encompassing your being until you feel like you're drowning. Kicking harder than ever but unable to break the surface.

The sea of bodies and thumping bass seem to drown whatever I'm hiding from. The familiar nothingness I'm familiar with. A hand brushes my arm, but I'm too shitfaced to find out who it is in the swarm around me. I wish it was him.

You need help.

No. No. I don't. He's wrong, I'm fine. I can handle it, I've done it all my life, why stop now? I have no idea how the bartender is still serving me, with me stumbling up to the bar like the fucking mess that I am. I down the liquid like its water, never feeling the burn clawing its way down my throat.

Without a second thought, I throw myself into the crowd again. Somewhere along the line, I wind up in a dark hallway, grinding into a girl who pales in comparison to him. But I can't have him anymore. My mind keeps reverting to the way his back would arch when I thrust into the right spot. How his eyes would roll into the back of his head when he reaches his peak. How his dazed eyes stare into mine before I get a chance to touch him.

The night fades into blurring lights and toxic habits, strained ears, and pounding heads. I end up on the floor of the bathroom stalls, knees curled into my chest and head resting against the damp tile wall.

"Zayn?"

I snap my head around, meeting those familiar brown eyes always flooded with worry. Please don't worry about me. I'm fine.

He kneels in front of me, stroking a gentle hand across my cheekbone, wiping away a tear. I didn't even know I was crying.

It's then that the world seems to shatter me, and the moment my face crumbles. He pulls me into his arms, cradling my head to his chest. I grasp desperately at his shirt like it's the only thing keeping me attached to reality. Everything crashes down at once. My mother leaving, Niall leaving, Liam leaving, my father not giving two fucks about me, the distrust, deceit, lies, torture, money. It feels as though I've kept a lifetime of pain behind the dam in my heart, and one crack has the whole system in meltdown. Thoughts and feelings I thought I buried are seeping through the open wounds to break the surface. It's sob after sob after sob. And it feels like it's never going to end.

"Pl-please, make it stop," I whine, not getting enough oxygen into my lungs.

He manages to hold me that much tighter like it will hold me together in some way. "I'm sorry," he murmurs into my head. I don't care, make it stop. "I'm sorry, I should've noticed, I should've said something, anything."

I choke out a bitter laugh, "You couldn't have changed anything,"

"But you're my friend Zayn, hell probably the only real friend I have, I should've done something." He argues, and even he sounds like he's on the verge of tears.

"Please don't blame yourself," I whisper.

For once he listens to me, going silent. He cards his fingers through my hair, it reminds me of Niall. He used to do that. Great, now I'm crying harder. It feels like my very soul is being ripped from my body, tearing me limb from limb. When the tears slow, after what feels like an eternity, unsettling fatigue settles over me. I don't know whether it's from the shots or the crying, but it's like I could pass out at any moment. I close my eyes, slowly drifting away.

"It's alright, your not alone."

Word Count: 692