Forbidden Desires {Ziall AU}

Chapter 10: mama don't know what it's like in my mind

chapter title from I Can't Carry This Anymore by Anson Seabra

So, hello peoples!

I'm back from holiday, but unfortunately, I didn't get as much writing done as I thought. So this is the only finished chapter from my holiday, but chapters will start to come out again normally soon. I just have to get back into my schoolwork first.

Thank you so much for understanding.

It's my birthday.

Feels a little ironic, knowing that there is no one to wish me a happy birthday. It seems mundane and childish when I say it, but with the life I've lived, you learn to appreciate the small wins. But this year there are none. I've lost my best friend, my father probably doesn't even know it's my birthday, and I never told Niall. I'm not sure why I never told him, it's not something I'm trying to keep secret. It never came up I guess.

I'm at my locker when it happens. He slides up beside me, giving me a questioning look. I pretend I don't see him. I shut my locker and turn away, listening to him calling out my name. I only stop when he grabs my arm, but even then I don't turn around.

"Please, just hear me out." He pleads, and when I meet his eyes he looks like he hasn't slept in days. I stay silent, looking at him for a moment. When it's obvious to him I'm not going to say anything, he clears his throat and shuffles on his feet. It's unusual for him, he's usually so outgoing and excitable, but right now he looks small and full of nerves. "Can we go somewhere, to talk?"

That's the moment my walls fly up, and I recoil. I turn on my heel and start to walk away when he grabs my arm again.

"Wait! If you don't want to talk, that's fine." He hands me a small bag, "But at least take this, happy birthday." With that, he turns around and doesn't look back.

***

I'm pacing around my dorm with my hands above my head, trying to get as much air into my lungs as possible. It doesn't seem to be working. When my breathing evens out, after what feels like forever. I turn my attention to the bag on my bed, its still sealed with the messy bit of masking tape holding the top together.

I rip the bag open, taking out the small metal box resting inside. I open it to be greeted with a small blade, not even bigger than my hand. It puts a small smile on my face, and it might be my first genuine smile in a long time. I know it seems weird to be smiling over a knife, but we always got each other things that we'll use.

He knows I'll use it.

My ringtone brings me back to reality, but I freeze when I realize who it is. It's the tone I set for one of the most important people in my life, a ringtone I haven't heard in years. I rush over to my phone, scrambling to accept the call. "Mum?" I ask.

I hear her breathe a sigh of relief and she replies, "It's so good to hear your voice darling."

I think I'd break my jaw if I was smiling any wider, and she no doubt can hear it in my voice. "Hi," before I know it all the questions are toppling out of my mouth before I have the chance to stop them, "How have you been? Where are you? Are you ok? Why are you calling?"

"Slow down Zayn," she laughs, but I know she's smiling too. I don't think I realized how much I missed her until I heard her voice again. "I'm ok, I'm doing well."

"That's great," I smile, and it feels like I'm letting out a breath I've been holding in for far too long.

"I called to wish you a happy birthday,"