Boundless Time

Kabanata XIII

Papalapit na ang preliminary exams ngunit ni kahit katiting sa napag-aralan ay walang naiwan sa kukote ko. I wanted to review notes that night but all I could think about is Sebastian. Kung paano ko siyang haharapin bukas. O kung makikita ko pa kaya siya? Sinundo niya lang naman ako ngayon dahil utos iyon ni mommy. Tomorrow will be different, walang mag-uutos sa kaniya kaya natural na hindi kami magkikita.

I know I told him not to fetch me anymore, kahit pa utos ni mama. But I am in love with him, hindi ko mapigilang gustuhin na makita siya kahit sa malayo man lang. I know I'll look like a creepy stalker. But I guess we all do that at some point in our lives? Or maybe it's just me?

Padabog kong isinara ang librong mag-iisang oras ko na atang binabasa ngunit hindi man lang nalilipat sa susunod na pahina.

Siguro ay bukas ko nalang itutuloy ang pag re-review. Wala rin lang naman pumapasok sa utak ko.

Nahiga na lang ako sa aking kama at doon napatitig sa kawalan. I feel numb inside, alam kong masakit, but for a while, all I feel is numbness. I feel so empty, so void inside. Napangiti na lamang ako. Iniisip na ganito rin ang naramdaman niya noong ako naman ang nananakit sa kaniya.

Sa kawalan ng pakiramdam, nasorpesa ako ng tuloy-tuloy umagos ang mga luha sa mata ko. It feels so weird to cry when you can't even feel any emotions. A moment passed and I was still crying.

My hands flew to my chest, clenching it for the sudden waves of pain. I tried my hardest to conceal my cries, but I guess the pain is too great to stop my sobs from coming out of my mouth.

I have to let him go, I have to set him free. Iyon ang kagustuhan niya, iyon ang magpapasaya sa kaniya. He did the same for me, now I have to do the same for him to be happy.

"Hindi ko pala kaya.... hindi ko pala kaya Sebastian. Pwede ko bang bawiin? Pwede pa ba? "

I cursed. But I know he won't be happy.
Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko sa tabi at walang ano-ano ay tinawagan ko ang numero niya. Three rings and he answered the call.

{"Amanda..."}

Napapikit ako ng marinig ang boses niya sa kabilang linya. I covered my mouth to surpass my sobs.

I remained silent...gusto ko lang marinig ang boses niya. I long for him so dearly.

{"What do you need Amanda."}

I still stayed quiet. Nakapikit habang nakikinig sa boses nitong walang kasing lamig.

{"If you don't have anything to say I'll end this call."}

He said that, but a minute has passed by ngunit naroon pa rin siya sa kabilang linya.

Why is it so hard to let him go? I know why... because I seek for his love that was once mine. I long for it, I crave for it, that letting him go means insanity.

A sob escaped my mouth. Nag panick ako kaya napatay ko ang tawag.

"No..no...no..."

I kept repeating as I stare at my phone and our call history of five minutes. Para akong baliw na umiiyak habang nakatitig sa aking telepono.

I can't seem to get a hold of myself, I can't seem to calm myself. I want to stop crying, my eyes already hurt.

Tumayo na lang ako sa kama saka dumiretso sa banyo. I wet my face with cold water, see if it can calm me down. And gladly it did...a little. At least ngayon ay hindi na ako naiiyak. Masakit na lang.

Pagkatapos kong titigan ang sarili sa salamin ng ilang minuto ay lumabas na rin ako. I was about to hop on my bed when someone knocked on my door.

"Iha? Tulog ka na ba?"