He misses, feels, thinks. [MILEX] [Miles Kane x Alex Turner] +18

44

Friday 18 November 2016

Dawn indicates a new day - Brilliant! That's three days without sleep. I'm up, the cold shower wakes me up. The coffee I prepared gives me enough energy to get to work. My driver is waiting, he opens the car door for me. We drive into the chaos of the city. I look out the window at the passersby. I miss, feel, think. I think about how I almost introduced him to my father, even though he was against our relationship. I check the time on my watch: 07:39. Most likely, he is returning drunk to his dingy flat. I wonder how someone like me fell in love with someone like him, a man with no plan for the future. The thought vanishes when the car stops at my destination. The driver opens the door for me and I walk out, back to my duties. I enter the building in earnest as I do every morning. I cross the lobby to take the lift. Like beads on a string, ladies line up to wish me a good morning. I pay them no attention despite their efforts. Going up thirteen floors, I arrive at my office.

Alexa, my secretary, hands me today's schedule. She's dismissed shortly after. I lounge in my leather chair and put my feet up on the oak desk. I open the folder and toss it away after only reading the first few lines. I pick up the phone instead, and call him. No answer. I'll try again. A sleepy voice greets me, I'm surprised. I remain silent.

"Hello? Hello?!" he says several times

I ask where he's been. On the other end he sighs and replies "we're done".

He hangs up. A tear slides down my cheek as I clutch at the phone before hurling it across the room. This can't be happening! To someone like me? No! I cancel all my meetings, grab my keys and leave.

My shouting attracts the attention of some neighbors. Miles pulls me in the flat by the arm. He asks me to calm down. I can't. He slaps me. We look each other straight in the eye. I feel embarrassed, I don't usually lose my composure like this.

"This is your fault" My voice is shaking

Miles flashes me a lopsided smile. I always like that.

"No, Alexander, it's your parents', it's your background ..." he declares

I watch as he sits on the edge of a chair in the kitchen. He runs his hands through his fresh-cut hair. He looks me in the eye and smiles wryly.

"...They have this bullshit habit of thinking everything belongs to them" he blurts out dismissively

I look at him with confusion.

"But...you do belong to me, I love you, don't you understand?"

Miles stands up

"No, Alex! You don't love me! You don't know what love is ... you only know what owning is! Because that's what you were taught, to have, more and more and more and more. Because it's the only way you do things, stepping on heads, filling a bank account, but with an empty room. Do you know why you like me? Because I'm everything you can never be: free! Yes, I get fired a lot, my furniture is old, my clothes are second-hand, I ride the underground, I have no money! But I have friends, real friends, not like yours who only visit you to plan a luxury trip. My parents love me and above all they accept me. Do you think I'm an idiot? I know you weren't going to introduce me as your boyfriend! That's what you made me believe, but the moment you were parked at your parents' house you were going to chicken out because you're a coward, a hypocrite!"

Silence fills the room. I don't know what to say. It hardly ever happens to me.

I watch as Miles opens the fridge and uncaps a beer. He knows that kind of behaviour irritates me, but he also knows that I'm not going to say anything about it, because as usual, the response will be that he can drink alcohol wherever and whenever he wants. He wipes his mouth on his wrist and points his bottle at me.