Janet
"Caring for yourself is a necessary part of caring for others."
"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to be."
"I am doing this for ME!"
I read my quotes and reminders that were taped to my mirror. Everyday since I've been with my mother, I read these while getting ready. It was hard the first couple of days beving away from Idris. I knew I wasn't with him really before but knowing that he was in the other house made me feel better. However, this step was necessary for my mental health.
"Mama!" I looked down and saw Eissa stumbling into the bathroom. When he regained his balance he held his arms up. "Up." I picked him up and sat him on the counter. I handed him the empty makeup things I no longer use, because he loves to play with them. "Ohhh." He made little noises while playing. It made me laugh.
That's another reason while I was taking this journey. Eissa and my new little baby were very important to me. If I wasn't going to do better and be better for myself, I had to do it for them. They deserve a mother who is open and healthy. I don't need to be depressed and anxious with them. They don't need to feel negativity from me.
"Mama!" I looked at Eissa and saw him rubbing the brush over his face and laughing.
"You like mama's brush?" He smiled. "Come on. Mama's done." I picked him up and went into the bedroom. Laying him down, I put a different onesie on him and some socks. I picked him back up and headed downstairs. We had gotten into a little routine since we've been here. Seeing as how Wissam has once again backed away from his fatherly duties, I have Eissa twenty-four seven.
So every morning, Eissa and I have a bath to relax. Then I brush my teeth and clean his gums. I do skincare and moisturize his skin because he is showing signs of extreme dry skin. Then I do some light makeup while he plays around. Since he walks now, he'll wander off to Mother's room and they'll play around or have their secret conversations. Finally we'll head downstairs and do whatever we have planned after breakfast.
I sat Eissa in his high chair and started some breakfast for us. "You want some eggs, Eissa?" He hit his hands on the little table. "Coming right up." I pinched his cheek and he laughed. I grabbed the things from the fridge and started fixing everything up.
"Mama!" I looked at him and he waved his finger. I waved mine back. I loved these little milestones. He didn't wave his finger before and he didn't say my name.
It hurts something that his father isn't around to experience these things. I mean, Eissa doesn't even call him daddy. He doesn't call anyone that and that hurts me. I've always wanted a complete family for my children and Eissa won't even have his biological father. That's unfair to him.
"Hey, dunk." I turned and saw Rebbie.
"Hey, Rebbie."
"Eissa!" She picked him up and kissed his cheeks and he laughed.
"How are you feeling today?"
"I'm okay."
"Uh uh. The whole point of you being here is for you to be able to open up better. So what's going on?"
"I'm just worried that Eissa won't have a complete family."
"What's your definition of complete?"
"Mom, dad, siblings. In a nice home where we do normal family things."
"Well, we all want what we didn't get." I put the eggs on the plate and looked at her.
"What does that mean?"
"The family you say you want for Eissa is the family you wanted for yourself. You've said that before in interviews."
"This is different. This is for Eissa. He deserves the best."
"He had the best. He has you. God wouldn't have blessed you with him if you weren't the best thing for him."
"But.."
"Janet, when someone has a child, their dreams are automatically transferred to them. The good thing about this is you want Eissa to have the family you always wanted. However, I don't think you really want the big happy family that people see on tv."
"Really?"
"Really. I think you want Eissa to have a father because you didn't have one."
"Now you're talking crazy. I had a father, we had a father."
"No Janet, we had a manager." Since when was Rebbie a therapist.
"Since when are you a licensed therapist?"
"Since I've started researching this stuff."
"Research sure." I gave Eissa his food. "I don't think research is enough for you to determine my problem."
"Janet, I've known your problem since you were little. You have daddy issues. Major issues. That's why you've picked the men you have. Every man you've picked has been like the father you had. They've abused you in some way because Joseph abused you."
"Joseph never hit me."
"No. He emotionally abused you. He never showed that he cared, even though we knew he did. All the men you've picked up until now have been like that. Except you equated negative behavior with love but that's not true."
"You think you know me, huh?"
"Janet, you tell me everything. Who was the person you told every time you got married? Me. Who is the first person you come to when something happens? Me. You may not think so but the only person who knows you better than I do is Mike." She was right. Mike knew me like the back of his hand. Rebbie did too but I don't like what she's saying. "Janet, you have to consider that your true issue is with Joseph."
"None of my life is about him?" I sat the things I used in the sink and went to the backyard.
"Janet." I ignored her. Sitting on the swing, I just sat and thought about what Rebbie just said. Her accusation that all of my issues stem from Joseph is ridiculous. Right? I mean, it's too cliche. Daddy issues. Ughh. I couldn't believe it. Then I thought about the main reason my therapist wanted me to come here.
"A lot of our adult issues stem from things we dealt with or experienced when we were young. Sometimes looking back into those things can help us deal with our current situations."
Was this what she was talking about? Could it be that she knew all this time but didn't tell me. What was I supposed to do with this information?
I was pulled out of my thoughts by Eissa's cries. I turned and saw him running onto the patio with his arms out. "Mama!" He cried and ran into my leg. Holding on tight he looked up at me. I picked him up and held him. He laid on my stomach.
"It's okay, baby boy. Mama's here." His cries died down. I sat him up to look at me. "I love you, baby." He wiped his eyes. It was weird but I felt like I could talk to him. He's only one but it's something about the way he looks at me. The look of not caring who I was before him but just wanting me to be there for him. To be his mom. "I always got you, honey." I kissed his cheek.
"Wuv." I felt tears come to my eyes and my heart opened even more. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't even realize what he's saying, but it did something for me. It gave me reassurance and a boost.
"Kathy!" I heard my father's voice come from inside the house. Time to face the music before I lose my nerve.
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Janet having a breakthrough....love to see it.
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