Idris
Things are weird now. Everything is weird. It's hard living without a person you've been with for two years. It's been almost two months since Janet and I took a break from our relationship and it's been very hard for me.
I moved my things into the other house on the property, but the window of the bedroom I sleep in faces her bedroom. It's nothing creepy, but I just watch her. Even when she's just sitting. Sometimes she goes out to the backyard and sits with her feet in the pool. She writes in a journal and reads. There are times where she does some light yoga and meditation before praying. She's been really peaceful.
When Isan comes to visit, they do yoga together and meditate. They also talk. A few times there were tears and as much as I want to run over and help, I know that it's not my place yet. There were some nights that I saw Janet and Eissa playing through the windows. It was so precious. I saw the moment he realized what was happening with her stomach, now he lays on her all the time. She sings to him and reads to him while he lays on her growing belly.
I go with her to appointments and we spend time discussing the baby, but that's all. She doesn't want us to spend too much time together. She says that it will influence her choices too much. I don't want to influence her discussions but I'm so nervous that she's not going to want to be with me anymore. I love her so much and I know she loves me too but lately I've been wondering if we were in a seasonal situation. I would hate for that to be true.
I sat in the living room and looked over the script of my new movie. I actually wasn't really reading because my mind was on something else. And like clockwork, the thing that my mind was on walked out of the main house. She had on a two piece swimsuit and you could see her baby bump. It was beautiful. Taking out her ponytail, she took a few steps into the shallow end of the pool. She had been wearing her own hair lately so her curls were free and framed her face beautifully.
Going a little further in, she did some of her water exercises before floating on her back. It was an amazing sight as the sunlight shines on her, illuminating her caramel colored skin. She was so relaxed. It was obvious. It was something about the way she walked and carried herself now. "God. She's so beautiful." I couldn't help but whisper to myself. Just looking at her did something to my heart.
I was pulled out of my thoughts by the phone ringing. "Hello."
"Mr. Elba, we're here with this week's groceries."
"Okay. I'll be right out." I hung up and slipped on my shoes before heading to my car. I drove to the front gate and let the delivery guys load the things into my car.
Once they did, I drove to the main house. I got some of the stuff out and went to the door. I knocked and waited. Even though this is technically my house too, I just want her to know I respect her privacy. The door opened. "Idris, you don't have to knock. I tell you that every week."
"I know, but it's respectful." She laughed and walked into the house. I followed behind her and sat the things down in the kitchen. "I'll get the rest."
"Okay." I spent the next ten minutes bringing everything in.
"Do you want me to help you put the things up or are you going to do it?"
"I'll do it."
"Cool. The next appointment is on Thursday, right?"
"Yeah. 11:45."
"I'll see you then." I hugged her and headed to the door.
"Idris, wait. Come sit with me." She sat on the couch and I sat next to her, with a sensible amount of space between us.
"What's up?"
"I wanted to tell you how my therapy was going."
"Really?"
"Yeah." I didn't want to show it but I was excited she wanted to share. I had been wanting to know how it was going and if she felt like it was working. I had to stay calm though.
"Okay."
"Well, I've been going three times a week and then the yoga and everything, has really been helping." I smiled.
"That's great. I'm happy for you."
"Thanks." I noticed she wasn't smiling.
"You don't seem happy."
"No, I'm happy about it, but I'm not happy about the next part."
"Which is?"
"Me leaving."
"Leaving?"
"Yeah. I thought I could work through everything here, but I can't. I have to go home with mother."
"Why?" She took a deep breath.
"I have to go somewhere I feel secure and safe. Not that I don't feel safe with you, but it's different. A lot of my problems stem from childhood and I need to be in a place where I can express that."
"I don't understand."
"You're not meant to." I nodded. My heart was extremely broken. It seems like she is getting further and further away from me. First we're taking a break and now she's moving almost three hours away. I'm happy that she's working through everything but I feel like I'm not being included in this. "What do you think?" She looked at me.
"Why does it matter what I think?"
"Because I'm having the baby and I don't want you to feel excluded."
"But I am though."
"How?"
"You made this decision without me. You're moving away for who knows how long and my daughter is going with you. I just feel like this 'break' we're on is turning into a breakup."
"We're not breaking up. I love you. You know that. I just can't love you the way I want because there's so much holding me back. If I don't deal with that, we'll never know where this could go."
"How do you know that this healing journey you're on won't take me away from you? What if you discover that your being with me was caused by someone unresolved issue?"
"Is that what you think?"
"It's what I'm scared of. I don't want to lose you." She moved closer and laid her head on my arm.
"You're not losing me. You'll never lose me. This is just a step I need to take." She turned my face to look at hers. "If I didn't love and didn't want to be with you, I wouldn't be going through this and telling you. I want to be better for you. So that we can be happy. I don't want my pain to ruin a good thing." I looked down. "I plan to leave after my next appointment. Mother has had a nursery set up for the baby."
"Ok."
"She also said that you're welcome at any time."
"Good."
"And...Eissa will be there. You'll be able to see him too." A smile came to my face.
"That's true."
"Yeah. And this won't last forever. It's just what I need right now."
"I understand." She hugged me.
"Good." I hugged her back and tried to keep a positive energy, but I knew I wasn't completely okay with this. However, the last thing she needs is to be held down by my feelings. I know that this is important for her and I want to support her. I just don't want to lose her.
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You think you can predict, but you can't. *smiles*
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