Chapter Three

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 It did take me a while to get over what Lamar had done to me. Actually, I never really got over it, but I was starting to live with it. I had to stay strong for Little L and act as normal as possible. When he learned that his father was moving out, he did not understand at all. He asked a lot about when his daddy was coming back home, but for the most part, he adjusted better than I had hoped. Even though we are not divorced, and he doesn't want one. Of course, he is still "trying to find himself?" It took about a month for me to even allow Lamar into the home we had shared for the last eight years. Now while he was "Still finding himself" we made some sort of agreement. He and I decided that we would take things slow and see where it went from there. We were now, at this point seeing each other. We had scheduled dates and would go out to dinner or wherever we felt was a good place. I know that this is confusing, and you may call me weak for letting this happen, but I love him...I know, I know the weak woman's cliché slash motto. To be honest, I know that I was weak, and it wasn't right. This is why no one knew about my current situation with Lamar. Lamar and I met up on days that Little L stayed with my parents. It was perfect. Well, it felt perfect anyway, until one night it didn't anymore. Something was different. I felt empty. My Fridays were usually quiet because Little L usually goes with his dad after school. So, every Friday, that gave me time to spend alone and catch up on some of my television shows I hadn't seen all week or read. I'm not exactly sure why I felt empty. Between volunteering at Little L's school, football, baseball, or any other practice, helping with homework and projects I should feel complete. Sneaking around with Lamar didn't hurt either, but it still wasn't enough. It was Friday, and I came home after I dropped Little L at his father's. Went straight to the bathroom, turned on the shower, undressed, then grabbed my sponge and shower gel, and took a nice warm shower. I always loved a good hot shower or bath. It relaxes me. After my shower, I dried off, put on my body butter, and my night clothes, and then headed downstairs to the kitchen. When I got to the kitchen, I cut a piece of chocolate brownie with nuts, warmed it in the microwave, and topped it with two scoops of vanilla ice cream. I got a large glass out of the cabinet and poured myself a glass of cold water. I grabbed my food tray from behind my nightstand to watch television. I propped up the pillows on my chaise to have some type of support for my back. As I searched to see what I wanted to look at. I did sit there for a moment with my spoon in my mouth, thinking how fucked up my life was, that the highlight of my Friday night was sitting at home all alone watching television. Any normal woman that has her Friday nights free would be out partying, and I didn't have an excuse because my sister owns a nightclub/ bar. I have only been there a couple of times, and she had been begging me to come out and have some fun.

I woke the next morning, Saturday, date day. I had a crazy dream that I had a job. Then I realized that was the part that was missing from my life. Little Lamar would be going to the fifth, and pretty soon he would be in middle school. He, actually, really didn't need me anymore. I had been cut off from the world for more than ten years, and I had just realized that. My life was surrounded around Lamar and Little Lamar. I hadn't made any friends since college, and the only friend that I really still was in contact with was, Terrence. That wasn't the same anymore since he told Lamar and me that we should get a divorce and get it over with. He was my friend; how could he say something like that to me? I missed him, a lot. He was the only one I could sit and talk to for hours at a time and never get bored or lose words. On the days Lamar would have to work late or go out of town, he would come and check on Little L and me. We would always end up staying up late, eating, drinking wine, and talking. Now, all I had was time. That day I decided that I was going to tell Lamar when he dropped Little L off that I wanted to find a job. That evening there was a knock at the door, and my stomach dropped. I knew it was Lamar. All that morning, I went over different ways that I could tell him. When I opened the door, Little L ran past me and up the stairs, he went to his bedroom.

On his way up the stairs, he yelled, "Hey, Mom."

"Hey, Mr., can a mom at least get a hug?" I yelled up to him.

"I'm sorry, Mom." he ran back down and gave me a hug.

"What are you in such a rush for?" I said as I laughed and rubbed the top of his head.

"Oh, I got him a new game for his XBOX, and he couldn't wait to get home so he could play it," Lamar said.

"Oh, okay, as long as it is something important, I guess I'll excuse you this one time," I said jokingly. Then kissed the top of his head.

"Thanks, Mom." off to his room he went again.

"Listen, do you think you can stay a while so we can talk?"

"I thought that you didn't want to do any talking with Lamar in the house?" he said as he grabbed me around my waist and pushed his pelvic bone into mine.

"Stop it! Can you talk? I mean, can we really talk?" pushing him away from me.

"Yeah, I have a few minutes, but I have to get over to, um."

"Save it!" I said as I put my hand up in the air. Don't waste your breath telling a lie. I'd rather not hear anything."

"I wasn't going to tell a lie. I was debating whether I should tell you that I was going to Terrence's to play ball. I know he is not your favorite person since he made that smart comment about us needing to get it over and get a divorce."

"You're absolutely right about that. It just makes me angry every time I think of what he said. He is supposed to support our relationship and calls himself our friend. I can't believe you are still talking to him."

"Okay. Okay. Let's not ruin a good day by bringing Terrence up. What's up? What did you need to talk with me about?"

"Oh, um, what do you think about me getting a job?"

"What do you mean? What do I think? You already know the answer to that."

"I know, but I was just thinking. I could go to work while Lamar is in school. It's not like I would be missing anything. I'll be home before he even gets here. " I said as I threw my hands up in the air. "It can get very depressing around here."

"Well, can't we talk about this when I come by tonight?"

"I guess so," I said with a long sigh.

"What are we doing tonight anyway?"

"I thought that since we have been out the last couple of times and it's our anniversary tomorrow, maybe I could cook, and we could rent a movie."

"That sounds good to me. Plus, our Anniversary sex is always so unbelievable."

I placed my hand on his chest and said, "Shut up, boy."

Soooo." He said as he clapped his hands together. "I guess I'll meet you back here at what six?"

"Yeah, I guess. My parents are coming to get Little L around four. They should be gone way before that; dinner should be on by then."

"Okay, I'll see you then," he said as he winked his eye at me.

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