Stars

21. The Journal

I don't think I had stopped crying in the past hour and at this point I felt like I had no tears left to cry. Wondering over to my bags, I rummaged through and found a pair of shorts and I took one of JJ'S hoodie out of his wardrobe to throw on.

With everything that has happened to me this summer, I just wanted to shut myself out from the world and forget about all my problems.

I decided to look around JJ'S room for any of my old stuff to keep my mind off of things, there has to be some of it left. I felt like I had looked everywhere and I almost gave up until I found an old box right at the back of the wardrobe with my name on it. Finally, I thought as I placed it on the bed and opened it up. Atleast he didn't get rid of everything.

My old journal was the first thing I saw. I picked it up and closed the box. It took me back to when I used to write in this thing all the time but not like you normally would, i wrote down song lyrics. It used to help me get over what I was feeling so I thought I would give it ago again. I started writing some down.
Journal:

'All I want is love that lasts,
Is all I want too much to ask?
Is it something wrong with me?
All I want is a good guy,
Are my expectations far too high?
Try my best but what can I say?
All I have is myself at the end of the day.
But shouldn't that be enough for me?'

Honestly I didnt know wheather it was me at this point, I felt like I wasn't good enough or worthy to be with JJ. I never realised just how much I loved him and just by reading my journal again I think I have felt like this for years but told myself I hated him so It was easier to accept that he doesn't feel the same way about me.

I sat up all night that night singing and sobbing but this morning I felt a bit better although I still wasnt ready to face everybody yet especially JJ. I don't know if I could even look JJ in the eyes anymore.

"Hey Lorrena you in there." I heard John b knock on the door but I just ignored him as I sat up against the wall on the bed with my knees pressed against my chest. "Come on Ren just come out, everyone's here." A few minutes of him knocking I heard John b walk away from the door.

Every 10 minutes John b, Pope and Kiara took it in turns to try and get me to come out. I got tired of it so I ripped a page out of my journal and wrote 'do not disturb'  on it, then put it on the outside of the door. I knew it was pathetic doing that and it made me laugh at myself but I just needed time alone to collect my thoughts and chill out for awhile.

"Ren can we just talk please? JJ isnt here by the way so you can come out" Once again John b was standing at my door and it was starting to piss me off. "Dude can you not fucking read?" There was a pause of silence. "What kind of question is that of course I can." John b was  so oblivious sometimes. "Then read the door dipshit." I heard him sigh and leave.

I needed to get over this and the only way to do it was to tell JJ the truth but how the hell am I going to do it. It pissed me off that I was even obsessing over all of this.

About an hour had past and I decided to come out my room to get a drink. "Look who finally decided to show her face." I stopped in my tracks. " Wow thanks k-" I turned around to see JJ staring at me sitting on the sofa. "Thanks for lying to me JB, you said he wasn't here." I gestured my hand at JJ as I ran back to his room and slammed the door.

JJ flung the door open to see me sat on the floor with my back to him. "What was that all about." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes to calm down my racing thoughts and I felt sick to my stomach. JJ came and sat next to me. "Hey sunshine talk to me. Is this about that boy because if it is we can talk about it if you want?" I took another deep breath, fuck it.