Estranged | ✓

XXXX. a coward

anupamaa

I sat nervously at the dining table.
Continuously checking my phone, my heart pacing wildly.

Was he even okay?

I drew in a deep breath burying my face in my hands.

"Mummy?", I heard as I immediately sat up.
Toshu stood before me, watching me carefully. His siblings were busy quarrelling over something childish in the bedroom.

"Yes.. do you want to eat anything.. I will just make something..", I said abruptly about to stand up.
"No.", He said firmly, "I-I need to talk to you."

I sat back.
"Tell me.. what is it?", I asked him. He pulled the chair beside me and sat.
I turned my chair towards him.

He drew in a deep breath and looked up,
"Mummy, I know something is going on. You and Papa.. something is wrong, isn't it?"

I drew in a sharp breath.
He was looking straight into my eyes.

"Mummy.. I was eight when both of you seperated back then. But now I am thirteen and somewhere I've grown enough to realise things.", He spoke like an adult,
"I-I know I chose Papa over you back then.", He paused.

"Because I thought he was the stronger among both of you.. but the truth is opposite isn't it? I've heard him break down behind shut doors many times. He never called back home, didn't even let me. I-I don't know...but Papa's changed..You have changed.. you were so timid and weak but now you are all smart and rich.. and I just don't understand whats happening.", He sounded messed up.

"Mummy.. I just need a clear picture. Are you both ever coming together or all this is temporary?", He asked finally.

I drew in a deep breath.
I placed my hand on his, firmly.

"You know Toshu, the thing about us adults is, we aren't as sorted or clear in our heads as we show. Your Papa, I or anyone.. we are not perfect. We make mistakes, break down, then put ourselves back and re start. I know you have actually been alone for the last few years, your Papa was too caught up in his own problems to care for you the way you needed it.", I paused.

He looked down finally.
I knew he was numb.
The loneliness had been painful for him, away from home, in a foreign land, alone.

"Samar and Pakhi were lucky. They had you.", He whispered.

If Vanraj ever knew this, I knew he'd shatter in guilt.

"I am no better, honestly.", I said with a soft smile.
"Oh you are Mummy. You cared for them, were with them when they needed you. You didn't just randomly wake up and decide to break your family.", He sounded spiteful now.

This was pent up in him for years.
I softly carassed his hair, he firmly looked down.
I knew he was hiding his eyes full of tears.

"You know, he even shouted at Bapuji once blaming them for not teaching him to behave nicely with you!", He said, almost angry.
I thought I heard the door knob.
But I knew I couldn't get up or even turn away now.
I wished it wasn't him.

"Why should anyone teach him?! Isn't he sane enough to know! Anytime there's a problem he finds ways to blame others. Earlier it was now, now it's Baa Bapuji!", He said angrily.

I could smell the fragrance of his old cologne.
He was standing right there at the door.
But I didn't dare look at him.

"Mummy, if anyone had to leave, it should have been you. Not him. I-I genuinely want both of you to be together for my selfish reasons, but somewhere even I know, he wasn't a good husband, and neither a good father."

The last words were sharp.

Toshu stood up in annoyance, wiping his eyes.
He hadn't realised the door of the room was open.

"You know he didn't even remember my birthday, forgot my school annual days, never taught me how to behave, did little or nothing for me in the last five years and still somehow expects to be called the best father in the world! He was heartless enough to not even meet his new born daughter and now he happily has her! Poor Pakhi doesn't even realise her father literally abandoned her!", He was shouting now.

I felt daggers through my heart, and I couldn't image what was going through both of them, my son and my ex husband.

Samar and Pakhi had walked out of the bedroom.
Samar had noticed his father, stand frozen at the door.

"Toshu Bhai!", He tried to say in an awkward whisper that was loud enough for all of us to hear.

Toshu wasn't hearing anything anymore.
He went on.

"I-I really wish I had chosen you. He is no hero, Mummy. He's just coward. Otherwise why would a man cry that way behind shut doors?! He doesn't even have the guts to come up and accept his flaws. He conviniently blames them on his circumstances, situations. Mummy, he's just a coward behind the facade on a hero."

I heard a sharp cling.
Toshu finally turned, and so did I.

Vanraj Shah stood at the door, the car keys had slipped off his fingers. There were tears in his eyes. He immediately looked down and turned,

"I-I heard nothing.. I-I have some work..", he mumbled weakly. His voice was thick with pain. He was on the verge of breaking down.

He simply turned and left.

Toshu went pale.

I drew in a deep breath.

"Yes, Toshu.", I said standing up before him, "He is a coward."
For some reason, I just didn't sound sweet or sympathetic.

"

He doesn't know or understand what to do exactly. He's not the perfect father. He abandoned his daughter. He didn't care for you.", Toshu looked at me, realising he said too much,
"But you forgot all the things he did for you. Didn't you?"

"What did he?", Toshu asked softly.

"Bhai.", This was Samar, "Papa cooked for you.. remember? He tried to be a good father to you.. "

"How does trying help, Samar? The truth will never change.", Toshu said before he turned and stormed back to the bedroom.
Of all the things, he had inherited his father's temper.

"Mummy, you go and talk to Papa. Tell him he's not that bad also.", Samar said, he sounded genuinely sad for his father, "I mean I am always on Team Mummy. Like always. But, I know he must have had his reasons."

This boy too, grew up before his age.

He held Pakhi's hand who stood puzzled.
"I will handle Toshu Bhai.", He said softly.
I wiped my tears and nodded.

Being boyfriend girlfriend was easy.
But having a family was not.
There was lot more to marriage, except just the love between too people.

I drew in a deep breath and walked out of the apartment.

•••

Drop in your views.
What do you think?
Does Toshu really have a point?