Estranged | ✓

XXXVI. his confession

anupamaa:

I just couldn't live a so called successful life with his sacrifice.

I was shocked, definitely, because I hadn't known Vanraj Shah could sacrifice.
But now I knew I didn't want him to.
Not for me.

I knew how much this job mattered to him. It had always been his dream to lead a company, to be the topmost authority.
How could I let him give up on his dream for my sake?

There was a silence.

Moonlight flooded into my room, the dim light of the table lamp, lit the room in a silvery orange glow.
He looked down.

He slowly entwined his fingers with mine.
I noticed a tear slid down his eye.

"I just want you to fulfil your dream. I just want to redeem myself. I-", his voice broke, he cleared his throat,

"I-I just want us to be together. I am tired of running, of carrying the burden of family, of society, of expectations of my mother, of being the oldest son of the Shah House."

His voice toned down to just above a whisper.

"I finally want to stop, Anupamaa.", He looked up, at me.
"I loved Rittika because she was my escape. She showed me the world of riches, that there was a world beyond the shabby walls of my house. A world where I would not have to beg the shopkeeper for a ten paisa chocolate.. I-I desired to have that life.."

He gulped and took a step towards me.
Holding both my hands tightly.

"And then you walked in.
And now I know a world where it doesn't matter if you are rich. You walked into that same house with shabby walls and were happy. I would often watch you from afar, singing in the kitchen.", His lips curved into a dreamy smile.

"Main koi Aisa geet gaun.. ki aarzoo jagayu..", he sang, smiling away, with teary eyes.

My lips too broke into a smile, I held his hand tighter.

"I was shocked, because how could anyone be happy in there? In that dingy kitchen with no entertainment whatsoever. Baa's constant surveillance and thousands of demands.
You loved me, without expecting anything in return. You were barely twenty one when we had Toshu. And yet, you were happy.
Both of us know, we were in no way ready. But everyone expected you to be the perfect mother, the perfect daughter in law, and you complied."

"And then we seperated. And yet you loved me. Despite everything, despite all the pain..", he whispered.
He released my hand and cupped my face.
"You loved me.."

I drew in a deep breath as I looked into his moist eyes.

"You showed me a different world. The world where there is no requirement of costly gifts, or expectations. Where you sacrificed your dreams, from the very start, and yet never said a world. You could have belittled me, I had promised you a much better life and had done very little for you."

I felt my heart swell.
He was acknowledging my efforts.

"You have done so so much for me. You've given me three beautiful children. You've given me my family. And in return I just want to see you fulfil your dreams, while I just sit back. I want to be selfless, like you, for once."

He wanted to be like me.

A tear rolled down my cheek as he carefully wiped it off.

"Being selfless is not exactly a good thing, you know.", I mumbled, looking down.
"But I want to be. I want to sacrifice in love. And I am begging for this chance from you.", He whispered.

I looked down.
I didn't know what to say anymore.

He cleared his throat.

"After all, even I want to go heaven with you. I too want to see the apsaras dance.", I said in a serious tone.
For moments I didn't realise and then I looked up at him with narrowed eyes.

"Vanraj Shah, the only apsara you will ever see dancing is me! Okay?", I snapped at him.

And then both of us broke into laughter.

He wrapped his arms around me lovingly around my waist.
I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Don't you dare watch anyone else dance except me.", I whispered.
He raised a brow with an amused smile,
"Possessive much?"

"Very much.", I stated. He bent, placing his forehead against mine.

"Please let me do this for you.", He whispered.
I drew in a deep breath.
And then nodded, placing a stone on my heart.

It pierced me knowing he was going to suffer.
But it would be worse if I didn't let him do what made him feel a little less guilty.

For moments we stayed that way, hearing each other breath, hearing each other's heart beat.

And it was peace.

Sare sansar ka pyar maine
Tujhi me paya

Tum mile dil khile
Aur jeene ko kya chahiye

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