Estranged | ✓

XXV. the truth

anupamaa :

I stared at him.
"Is this a joke?", I asked finally.
He smiled, that subtle handsome smile of his.
No wonder all my friends had been ogling over him on our marriage day, including me of course.

"No.", He said simply.
"I want to know your honest opinion. I know it makes no sense for me to abruptly go down on my knees unless I know what you truly feel about everything."

He added, "Your opinion matters."

This was a completely different man altogether.
Was it the effect of his departure from his mother's misled guidance?
I did not wish to assume that though.

I drew in a deep breath.
And suddenly I felt different.
It felt like a transition from a dreamy nineteen year old to an independent NRI woman leading the life of a single parent.

"I will not lie.", I said, as we strode along, on the grass, under the starlit sky.
The park was relatively empty.

"There have been things..", I suddenly seemed to not know what to call him exactly.
Toshu ke Papa seemed a little off..

"Call me Vanraj.", He said, as if reading my thoughts.
I drew in a sharp breath.
"There's no one around here to judge you.. and neither am I your husband anymore.", He added, the lady sentence laced with remorse.

I gulped nervously and then picking up all my confidence I said,

"Vanraj ji..", I heard him draw in a deep breath, not of distaste, but with a smile,

"There's been a lot over the last five years. You abandoned me and your unborn child over revealing only the truth to your family. You have anyways treated me very badly over the years. And what hurt me the most is the fact that you hid the truth of you loving someone else and being unhappy with me.", I went on without looking up at him,

"I am no goddess that I'll get to know what you think or feel. If you didn't like me for who I am you could have at least mentioned. Asked me to change for the better.
But you did nothing except following your mother's commands and shattering my dreams."

"How could I say no to Baa?", He asked softly.

I felt a surge of anger.
I looked at him in annoyance.
We stopped walking, as he stood looking at me, with guilt.
I walked up, and stood right opposite him.

"Well.. that is no justification. And it can never be one for the way you treated your wife.", The words came out sharper than I expected it.

But this was me pouring my wounded heart before a man I had so dearly loved,
Or I continue to love.

He looked hurt but I knew he needed to know the depth of my wounds.

"Your mother told you not to tell me anything. Fine. She told you to treat me like I was your doormat—"

"Anu—"

"No let me finish.", I stated.
I felt my cold rage that had pent up for years in me finally make it's way out.

"You treated me like your doormat. You came close when you wanted. You pushed me away when you wanted. In our relationship it was never us. It's always been you. And it would anyways fall apart, if not now then ten years later. Every woman asks for mainly just one thing in a relationship, and that is respect."

The words rolled out automatically.

He looked down.

"If you proposed me to be your friend or co parent to our children, I am in.", I stated,
"But if it is to remarry.", I paused.

The words seemed to hurt me as well as I spoke,
"Then I am out, Vanraj ji.. because I refuse to be hurt again by you. I refuse to fail in love, again.
I cannot stop loving you, but I refuse to be not loved by you when you promised it."

I felt a tear slide down my eye that I wiped off instantly.
My throat felt numb.
There was a silence between both of us.

A tensed silence that spoke way more than words could ever.

I noticed a tear drop down from his eye on the grass, as he refused to look up.
My heart wrenched.

Even after all my pain, I still couldn't bear to see him hurt.
And yet, the truth was before ourselves.

I expected him to just turn and leave.

But he did the unexpected.

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