ready for it? • t. zegras

twenty four

"Who are you texting? Hughesy?"

"Nah," I say. "Sunny got a girl's number and is telling me all about it."

Trevor smiles. "Good on him. How'd he do it?"

We're laying on my bed. He's across the foot of the bed and I'm sitting up against the headboard. The past few hours we've been going from talking to being in silence to talking and back to silence over and over. Those silences never last long because well, both Z and I aren't too good at shutting up. I think we made a plan to go do something before he got here. Did we? I don't know anymore.

"She asked if he understood something after class and he didn't and then asked for her number so they could go over notes together," I explain. A smile spreads on my face too at how excited my little brother is. "Been trying to get him to use that strategy since high school."

"I told him to do that," Trevor mumbles.

I put my phone down beside me. "What?"

"We went out to lunch—"

"What?"

"Oh, come on," he says it like I'm being so ridiculous to be confused. "Is it weird for me to hang out with Sunny? He's my fellow soldier."

"When'd that even happen?" I press.

He shrugs, a little awkwardly 'cause he's laying down. "That time? Maybe last month."

"That time?"

Another shrug. "Yep. We've hung out a few times."

"Why?" I can't seem to wrap my head around it.

"He's your brother," he states. "What? Scared I'm gonna prefer another Neal over you? Because I'll let you know your mom is my fav—"

I cut him off with a pillow thrown at his head. Expert aim. Except he's got it too, taking the pillow where it stayed over his face and throwing it right back at me. It hits my legs and I try to grab it but he beats me to it, now on his knees. God, how'd he move that fast?

"Oh, come on," I echo his words and nearly flinch at just how much I sound like him. It's like someone took a recording of him and put some voice changer on it til you got my voice.

He raises the pillow, a glint in his eyes. "Come on, what?"

"You don't want it to be uneven do you?" I put my hands up in joke surrender.

Trevor considers it and tosses the pillow off to the other half of the bed. I'd been restraining myself since he got here on the physical front. Think some part of me is scared to somehow dig myself deeper. He doesn't care though. He hooks his hands under my knees and lifts, making my legs go out. Then just settles down between my legs. His head is on my chest and my hands start messing with his hair on pure instinct.

"It's getting so long, Z," I whisper. For some reason.

"I know. It's out of control." He pauses. Hesitates. "If you don't want me like— I don't know. If you don't want me getting too involved with Spence I can back off. Group setting only."

My hands still. "I don't have any issue with it. I think it's sweet."

My hands retreat completely. That's it. The thought of Trevor giving Sunny advice and hanging out with him is sweet. It's so... I can't think of any other word than boyfriend. It's such a boyfriend thing of him to do. That's not a thought I can have. He's not mine.

But he's not anyone else's either. Right? There's no way he's going and hanging out with other girls' younger brothers and giving them advice. There's no way he's invited other girls practically across the country to not have to spend too long apart. No way he's got other girls' family parties on his off-season itinerary. Right?

He huffs. "How am I supposed to survive weeks without you?"

"The same way you survived nearly twenty-two years without me."

"As if I can remember life before you."

"Oh my god," I laugh. "Probably use that line with every girl."

"Yeah, right."

"Careful." My voice is jokingly warning. "Can't make me feel too special. Imagine the swooning. Probably would make the entire state of California swoon with me."

"That's how big your heart is?" I can hear his smile.

"Only for you."

"Probably use that line with every guy," he teases.

"Absolutely," I joke. "Do you know how difficult it gets to be original and flirty, sugar snap pea?"

He laughs. A sharp, beautiful laugh. "Sugar snap pea?"

"You're sweet but snappy."

"That's so good," he laughs.

"You gonna stay the night?" I ask.

"Want me to?"

Always. I shrug. "Sure."

"Then, I'd love to."

* * * * *

The only light in my room is my phone. Doom scrolling to try and get my mind away from the guy laying behind me. I think I have an issue with making things much more difficult than they should be. I should have confessed the minute I realized it was more than a casual thing for me. The moment my heart fluttered a bit too much.

But I didn't. Now here we are. At this point, I don't even see how I would. Like only trying to swim back to shore after getting about three thousand feet out. I'm too far to try and swim back on my own. Right? Or am I doubting myself? A post of a couple pops up and I recoil slightly. Yearning blows.

Trevor shifts behind me. I keep scrolling. Even as his arm snakes around my waist. Skin on skin. Keep scrolling. Even as his chest presses against my back. Keep scrolling. If I focus on my phone and only my phone, I can keep the butterflies down.

Except I can't. Because Trevor presses a kiss to my shoulder and in a hoarse, sleepy voice says, "I think you're one of my best friends."

The tone of it is familiar even through the sleepiness. In my opinion, at least. It strikes me in the same way him saying he loves me or misses me. It strikes me the same way him calling his house "home" for the both of us while talking drunk me down. It's a tone so soft I could cry at the sweetness of it. Gives me a toothache.

Or maybe I need to get off my phone. Get some sleep. Yeah. We need a good reality check of a sleep.

**************
a/n
poor girl so confused she's gonna reality check herself back into delusion that they're just friends lmao