ready for it? • t. zegras

twenty six

I play with the too-long sleeves of Trevor's hoodie, standing awkwardly in front of Tilly and Mira on the couch. A roommates meeting was called to order. By me. For something very important that I've been thinking over and over about for the past few weeks. Since Trevor's been gone.

"Okay, so..." I take a deep breath. In. Out. "I'm going to confess my feelings to Trevor."

An uproar. Seriously, how do they always manage to make it sound like there's more than two of them in here? It's honestly admirable. They have talent.

"Alright!" I yell, somehow louder than them.

Mira shakes her head in disbelief. "What changed? We've left it alone and now all of a sudden you're fully on board?"

"I never said I was fully on board."

"Well, I fucking am," Tilly says. "It's about fucking time."

"I'm not doing it immediately or anything. Just I will eventually." I push my sleeves up. "It's a bit weird being the one left alone, y'know? Like... I left him when I ran off to the Bay. But now he's gone and I don't know. It feels necessary to do it."

"I know what it is." Tilly sounds so confident it makes me believe she might genuinely get it when I don't.

Mira, always our anchor, isn't so sure. "Oh, do you? It's Tenner's emotions. Not yours. How could you know what it is if she doesn't?"

"Exactly! It's her emotions and therefore, I can give the unbiased point of view that she lacks."

I take a seat on the end of the couch and gesture to where I was just standing. "Floor's all yours, babe."

"So," she starts, already talking with her hands like it's a damn TedTalk before she's even fully in front of us. "I wonder... What's a certain predicament you ran into when you went home for that little runaway moment?"

"Spencer is a terrible passenger prin—"

She cuts me off. "You were presented with the opportunity to go hookup with someone! An old hookup at that. An old flame some would say."

"Ohhh." Mira has a small smile on her face.

I don't get it. What's that got to do with anything? My brain tries desperately to connect the wires. Nothing seems to connect as it did for Mira.

"Let's think!" Tilly claps her hands together.

Ugh, I hate having to do a Let's Think.

"You leave Trevor and are confronted with the option of fucking someone else," Mira says.

Tilly nods. "You don't. Your feelings are so strong you can't even stomach hooking up with someone else anymore."

"Which is not the slut we've known and loved for the past two years."

"Right. Now, we don't know exactly how slutty Mr. Zegras has been but... I'm sure you've wondered. I'm sure you may even have a guess or two based on what he's told you."

Oh, how I've wondered how many girls Trevor has hooked up with and left behind the minute he didn't find them worth it or something. I've wondered if he's treated girls badly. Like Cam and Charles. If he's a ghost to another girl the same way those two are to me.

Mira snaps me out of my thoughts. "Now, Trevor has left you. Whether you're aware of it or not your brain is worried he's going to be presented with the same thing you were."

"You're worried he might give in where you didn't. So you have this sudden urge to spill your guts after such a long time dragging your feet because you want to make sure he knows. Make sure he gets it," Tilly ends.

They make a good point. As always. Stupid best friends being stupidly smart and knowing you stupidly the best.

"I don't want to do it immediately though," I say.

Tilly throws her hands up. "When else could you do it?"

"I don't know!"

"If our theory's right, you should probably do it sooner rather than later," Mira says.

"What theory? That I'm worried he might be hooking up with other people still?" I ask. "We both maintain that it's casual with our whole thing. I caught feelings. Of course, I'm worried about where he might be."

"How many casual things include hanging out with your younger brother one on one?" Tilly raises her eyebrows. I should've never told them about that.

Mira nods. "How many casual things get to go to your childhood home and then your grandparents' house for a family tradition?"

"Camden," I respond.

She rolls her eyes immediately. "That does not count whatsoever and you know it."

"Maybe that's the issue! Maybe if I had never let him get this close, I wouldn't even have feelings for him," I say. "This is so dumb."

"Then stop dragging it along." Matilde returns to her spot on the couch. "Either end it or confess."

"Do not give that option when she's already said she wants to confess!" Mira rarely raises her voice on her own. Not with anger at least. Our heads snap to her and she looks pissed. "Teagan Ellery Neal, you are not backing the fuck out. You're doing it. Maybe not immediately but you're telling that boy you want him not casually whatsoever. Or I'll do it for you. I don't care."

"She makes a good point," Tilly says calmly and quietly. Why are the roles switching? "I mean... Come on, when have you ever struggled to tell anyone your feelings? You're a walking, talking diary for yourself. And struggling to tell a man something? Jesus."

Mira claps once. "Exactly! Thank you! Even if for some fucking reason Trevor rejects you, you'll still have gotten it off your chest. Holding this shit in is not the Teagan I know and that's a good sign if you ask me. It means you're actually into him. You're not like dick-whipped or something."

"Okay." I shake my head slightly. That was a lot. Overall. A lot. "I'll do it by my birthday."

"August?!" They shout at the same time.

"How about by my trip to Michigan? That way, I won't be flying halfway across the country for a guy who it might not even be going anywhere with."

"Perfect," Tilly says.

Mira beams, returning to her usual self. "Tough love might work."

"I've been telling you that." Tilly shrugs.

"Nah," Mira says to my absolute fucking relief. "I'll stick to my usual tactic. But for this, it definitely was the right move."

My smile is uncontrollable and I really want to hug both of them until the end of the world. "I love you guys."

They both laugh a little. Then they exchange a look between the two of them. A shrug. Oh, boy. I know what this means. This is going to be an absolute win for Teagan. That's what this means.

"Okay, you get thirty seconds of a group hug," Tilly says, already moving to go over to Mira. "That's it. I'll count."

"No, you count fast!" I argue.

"Oh my god, fine. You count. Out loud."

When I stand, I practically jump up. "I love you guys!"

"Oh my god." Mira jokingly rubs at her cheek. "Too much sweetness, Teags."