'tis the damn season

Eleven: betty

"Betty, right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when you see my face again. The only thing I wanna do is make it up to you"

The ride back to my house was silent, and it left room for me to second guess our entire argument. Was I just being dramatic? Maybe I was too harsh. But at the same time I knew I was right. I'd been letting my guard down around him recently and I don't know why. I needed to be the one in control or else I knew history was going to repeat itself. I know he's different now, I'd be blind not to notice. But he was like this once before, and then flipped the switch so whose to say he won't do that again? What I didn't understand was why he was so persistent about making me change my mind about him. He'd apologized plenty of times and was clearly upset after our argument tonight, considering he hadn't said a word since we got in the car.

He's one of the reasons I have trust issues; I know that. But I refuse to let people walk all over me now. It's happened too many times to count, and I sure as hell wasn't going to let Steve do it a second time.

"You're going back to get Robin right?" I say suddenly. The realization that we just left her at that random house where she doesn't know anyone set in, and I broke the long award silence.

He nods quickly. "Yeah I'm going straight back for her once I drop you off," he answers.

I don't say anything in return. I just turn my head back out to face the window, watching as we drive down the empty streets to get back to where I lived. I could tell we weren't far as I started recognizing the roads and houses around us.

I wished I could go back in time, because if I had listened to my better judgement I would have known that party was going to be a bad idea. I should've put my foot down and stayed home like I wanted to.

I could feel Steve's eyes on me as we drove along. Every few minutes his gaze would shift away from the road, to me, who was actively trying to avoid any sort of eye contact with him. If I looked at him, I'd apologize, and I couldn't do that. Not after blowing up the way I did.

But there were questions rolling around in my mind. Things I desperately wanted an answer to.

"Why did you cut off Tommy and Carol?" I ask, the question just floating out of my mouth without any real thought.

I still don't look at him.

"I didn't like who I was around them," he answers honestly.

He doesn't elaborate. Obviously that's not the whole story, but I guess he was just keeping his word. Leaving me alone.

We pulled into my driveway, Steve parking the car behind Joyce's. I don't get out right away; I don't know why. I felt like there was something else I still needed to say, but I didn't know what.

I shake my head at myself, and open the car door. "Thanks for the ride," I say quietly, stepping out.

I hurry to the front door, just wanting to forget this night ever happened.

****

Last night was exhausting, and so I stayed home all day. I realized after I'd gotten to my room and taken off my costume that I had left my halo in Steve's car. I didn't think I'd be needing it anytime soon anyway.

I wasn't sure how I was supposed to go about the whole Russian investigation thing anymore. Which was actually an under cover way of saying I didn't know how to navigate being around Steve again. I don't know why, but yesterday I'd gotten too comfortable with him and I know that I can't do it again. Not after the argument we had. I had to keep my word. But then again, the longer I tossed and turned last night, the more I started to doubt everything. It was like I had an angel and a devil on either shoulder, one telling me I was being too harsh and should apologize to him, and the other saying what I did was right and I shouldn't speak to him again. I had yet to figure out which statement was the angel's, and which was the devil's.