Serenity in my Storm (GOAL DIGGERS SERIES #1)

Chapter 12

"Ex?"

I froze in my place as his eyes shut close and his hand fell down.

"Huh? Beatrice is your...ex?" I repeated, still couldn't digest what he just said. "Tristan." Mahina ko sinampal ang mukha niya para gisingin siya pero hindi na ito magising kahit anong galaw ko sa kaniya.

Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakaupo at nagpabalik balik ng lakad sa kwarto. Ginulo ko ang buhok ko habang nararamdaman na ang pagbabadya ng luha ko. Mabilis akong pumasok sa banyo at hinarap ang sarili ko sa salamin.

"How dumb are you not to even think of that possibility?" I gritted, talking to myself. "For fuck's sake, you were so clueless all this time!"

Tears started pooling down as my breathing became slurred, remembering their reactions from the night of our gig, his face...his eyes. His response when I asked him about it.

"How dumb can you be, Ezreah?"

But as I realized that I'm starting to self sabotage again, I immediately removed myself in front of the mirror and went back inside the room where he was still lying down, looking so peaceful, like he never said a thing that shook up my entire world.

"Please pick up... Please.." I repeatedly whispered while trying to reach Viv. It's just 10 PM, she's probably still awake.

But there wasn't an answered call in all of my ten missed calls, until I remembered that she was on some silent retreat starting yesterday.

Lumabas na lang ako dahil nararamdaman kong nahihirapan na akong huminga. Umupo ako sa loob ng isang cart at doon umiyak. At least here, I can breathe freely.

"Damn. I was completely clueless.." I still couldn't believe it.

Rather than being hurt upon that sudden confession, I am feeling so pathetic because how come that never crossed my mind?

And what about Likha?

Were they laughing behind my back as I bond with them, without me knowing that the girl he once loved—that he might still love because of his reactions and actions, but I hope not—was once in their circle as I tried fitting in with them?

"Panakip butas lang ba ako?" I couldn't believe I will ever ask myself that question. "I...I just wanted love, pero bakit..bakit ganito?" I sobbed harder.

Even if it was hard, I tried recalling what Vier told me. That I should not think too much habang wala pang clearance. Habang hindi pa kami nag-uusap. That I should not be eaten by my thoughts. I should fight it.

And that helped me breathe more lightly, more clearly. I did my deep breathing exercises and after a minute I was able to regain my normal breathing and heartbeat.

I looked up to the full moon and stared at it. Nilipat ko ang atensyon ko rito at in-appreciate na lang ang ganda nito nang buo. It helped me remember that I can also be like that. Be whole and not broken. It's my choice to make.