Love to Hate You

Chapter 17

JASPER'S POV
Im not sure what possessed me during sex with Ezra but it was the best sex I've ever had. Hearing him say he loves me, surged a powerful sensation through me. He's my favorite drug and the high he gives me is phenomenal. He makes me feel things I've never felt before. Like I was living my life in black and white before him but now everything is vibrant with colors I didn't even know existed. Suddenly, I can't picture my life without him in it. The thought alone, is painful to bare with and I hate him for it. I hate him for changing my life so much. I hate him for picking me out the millions of people in this world. Now I don't know what to do with myself or how to hide the clusterfuck of emotions he dug up out of me. I need some distance. I need to numb myself up. I have to guard myself.
"I hate you." I mumbled, as the tears fell from my eyes. He held me close and did his best to comfort me.
"I know." He chuckled.
I pulled away from his embrace and wiped my face with the back of my hand. I hate to cry. Especially, in front of other people. It shows weakness. I look into Ezra's beautiful brown eyes. He makes me weak. He makes me soft and gentle. He melts the ice around my heart.
"I can't believe you're in love with me." I whispered more to myself but he heard me anyway.
"Why is that so hard to believe??" He frowned.
I looked down to my feet.
"I've never been worthy of love. I use people and then discard them. That's who I am, E."
I stepped away, putting a painful amount of distance between us. I could see the hurt in his facial expressions.
"For someone so beautiful. You have a shitty self esteem. You fake confidence so well but now that I really see you, you're really fucking broken but that's ok because I'm going to love you anyway. I'll love you until you love yourself and even after that I'll still love you, Jas."
He left me in my room after that. His words sinking into my mind slowly. I found myself praying that I don't fuck up whatever I have with him. The way I ultimately fuck everything up in my life. I put my shoes on and make my way down the hall towards the kitchen. Following the sweet smell of Ezra's coffee.
"Would you like some??" He smiles knowingly.
"Duh. You make the best coffee. I'll never say no."
We sit down at the table with our mugs and enjoy each other's presence.
"My sister's soon to be husband is having a bachelor party tonight. I've been invited but I don't want to go without you. Want to join us??" I say trying to make casual conversation. He sips his coffee and then speaks.
"Like alcohol and strippers??" He smirks.
"Is it even a bachelor party without alcohol and strippers?!"
He raises an eyebrow and puts his coffee down on the table.
"You know I'm gay as fuck, right?? Looking at girls give lap dances isn't exactly my idea of fun." He said.
"Aw. Come on, E. I want you to go with me." I whined.
Ezra finishes his coffee and brings his mug to the sink.
"Alright but I'm gonna need a wicked amount of alcohol in me." He joked around with me. I get up and walk towards him to peck him on the lips.
"Maybe before we leave, I can strip for you."
I wrap my arms around his waist and pepper his neck with kisses.
"You are insatiable." He laughs.
"I just can't get enough of you, E."

Few hours and one hot sex session later, it was finally time to head out to the bachelor party.
I wore a short sleeved, black button down shirt with black jeans. My dark hair in it's natural curly state. I felt good as I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. Meanwhile, Ezra sat around waiting for me. He wore a gray shirt, dark gray jeans and his signature leather jacket and combat boots. His ears adorned with studs and his hair fell messily, giving him an edgy look.
"Jasper, it's not a beauty pageant. Hurry up." Ezra groaned.
"It takes time to look this good, babe." I bit my lip and shot him some finger guns. He raised an eyebrow, amused with my shenanigans.
"Alright, princess. Let's go. I'm ready to get drunk." He gets up and starts walking out the room.
"Rude!! I'm a king!!" I scoffed jokingly.
I grab my keys and wallet on my dresser, rushing out the door behind Ezra.
Moments later we arrived at the venue.
Music was blaring, girls were already draped around the groom's shoulders and the smell of alcohol filled the air.
"Hey!! You made it!!" Jonah shouted happily.
"Couldn't miss your last week as a unmarried man, bro!!" I shouted over the music while giving him a bro handshake and hug.
"Who's this??" Jonah gestures towards Ezra.
"This is Ezra. He's my friend." I replied.
Ezra smiled awkwardly and shook Jonah's hand.
"Congratulations on your big night." He said.
"This is Ace, the best man and that's Bryan my brother." Jonah introduced his posé. Ezra nodded and greeted the men.
"Cool jacket, man!!" Ace complimented Ezra as he shook his hand.
"Let's do some shots!!" Bryan handed each of us shots of tequila.
Ezra downed five shots back to back. The group cheered and he flashed them a pearly white smile.
"Ok, Ezra. Slow down." I said, earning a few weird looks from everyone but he drank some more.
"Don't worry, Jas. I'm fine." He assured me. All I could do was trust him. So, I drank with him and tried not to worry.
"It's time for some VIP action!! Show me the ladies!!" Jonah drunkenly said.
Out came some women dressed like slutty brides. They danced provocatively and slowly got naked.
"You better be faithful to my sister, Jonah!!" I teased.
"Let the man live tonight. He's going to be chained to one woman for the rest of his life in less than a week!!" Ace chimed in.
"When did you become a fag, Jasper?!" Bryan joked. I blanched and quickly glanced at Ezra.
Who calmly just drank another shot of tequila and excused himself to the bathroom.
Bryan followed my gaze.
"Holy shit!! You are a gay bastard!!" He announced to the whole room.
"What are you talking about?? This guy has had more pussy than all of us combined." Jonah said.
"He hasn't been interested in any of the girls here tonight though." Ace said. Jonah frowned at Ace's observation like he was putting the pieces together in his head.
"You know, now that I think about it. You've been joined at the hip with that friend of yours." He said.
"What?? I'm not gay. Ezra is just a friend. You guys are just being drunk assholes." I said, faking my best smile.
"Let's take these pretty girls to a hotel. Let the real party begin." Bryan was testing me. He wanted to get me to say the words but I was too afraid to say them. Instead, I encouraged the idea of partying in a hotel room.
Ezra returns from the bathroom and the guys fill him in on the plan. He immediately looked at me and I knew he thought it was a bad idea. The way he looked at me made everyone suspicious again. You could just see it on their faces.
In the hotel room, the women stripped down to nothing. Two of them on Jonah's lap, kissing his neck. One girl dirty dancing with Ace and another making out with Bryan.
Ezra was completely uncomfortable in a corner with a beer in his hand.
"Show this pretty lady a good time, Jasper." Jonah let go one of the women on his lap and she sexily walked over to me. Ezra watches me, waiting for my next move.
"Um. It's your bachelor party, Jonah. You should have all the girls." I said, trying my best not to let this female touch me.
"I told you. Little Jasper is a fag." Bryan laughed. Ezra jaw clenches, he's angry.
"Come on. What's the harm, Jasper?? You're not dating anyone. She's a hot girl. Don't make her feel bad." Ace added.
"The Jasper I know would have had her on her knees already." Jonah pressed on.
Ezra walked out silently but I noticed him leave instantly. He left me alone. My throat felt dry, my hands felt clammy and the knot in my stomach was only getting worst as time went by. I should tell them to fuck off. I want to tell them to leave me alone. I don't need to prove myself. So why can't I just say the words?? The brunette got on her knees in front of me, her bare breasts bouncing slightly as she got comfortable between my legs.
"Honey, you don't have to do anything. I really don't feel comfortable making you blow me in front of these assholes." I said to the brunette, hoping she got the hint. She smiled and fluttered her long eyelashes.
"I want to blow you in front of these assholes." She replied.
"Please, get up. I don't want to do this." I whispered to her.
The guys cheered encouraging her to unzip my jeans. I froze in my seat as I debated what the fuck I could say or do to get out of this situation but my drunken state wouldn't let me think clearly, the panic had a hold on me and before I knew it, she had her mouth on my dick. I closed my eyes and tried not to cry. I don't want this. My heart beated wildly against my chest as panic consumed me. I covered my face with my hands. I didn't want to enjoy it but the sensation just felt too good. My body betrayed me, even though deep down I didn't want this to happen. My eyes watered. I couldn't breathe. I was frozen. I wanted to leave my body. I couldn't speak. Why is this happening to me??
"I told you he's not a faggot!! That right there is a king!!" Jonah joked.
I open my watery eyes and they land on Ezra's brown ones. His hands were balled into tight fists. I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. They fell freely down my face as I watched him storm out of the room. Suddenly, I wasn't frozen anymore. I pushed the girl off of me and ran after Ezra. Zipping my pants up in the process.
"E, wait!!" I shouted down the halls but I couldn't find him. I felt so sick. I struggled with my footing. I kept moving towards the exit and just as I got out the doors, Ezra hopped in a cab.
"Don't leave!!" I shouted but it was pointless. He was already gone. The bile crept up my throat and onto the pavement. FUCK. I fucked up. My phone. Where's my phone?! I dug in my pockets and pull out my phone. I call Ezra but it keeps going straight to voicemail.
Bryan approaches me.
"What happened?? Trouble in paradise??" He says sarcastically.
"Fuck off, Bryan!!"
He backs off and goes back inside. I can't breathe. I start seeing spots in my vision. Why can't I breathe?! I blink a few times but everything is replaced with darkness. I don't remember much after that.
I woke up in the hotel room, on the most uncomfortable chair. Jonah was on the bed. Bryan on the floor and I don't know where Ace is but I really didn't give a shit about his whereabouts. I grab my phone and dial Ezra's number. It went straight to voicemail again.
I must have called about 20 times.
Sober me really wants to kick drunk me's ass right now. I need to get to my car and drive to his house.
Few minutes later, I arrive at his apartment. I bang on the door.
"Ezra!! Open the door, E!! Please!!" I begged through the door. No answer.
I call his phone again. No answer. I stood outside his apartment for over an hour, just waiting. I thought maybe he isn't home. Maybe he'll show up soon but nothing. Finally, after five hours of knocking and waiting, I decided to go home. I'd try again tomorrow.
Well, tomorrow came and went. Same results as the day before. So, I tried again the next day and the next day. It was becoming pretty clear that whatever I had with Ezra was over. He didn't want to see me or talk to me. Maybe he didn't even love me anymore. I toughened up and stopped crying about it. I feel violated and abandoned. I have nightmares about it and wake up panicked. I really wish Ezra would answer me. Where's my best friend?? I need him but I accept my circumstances and understand that everything is truly fucked up.
By the time the work day came up, I convinced myself that nothing matters anymore. I'd walk into my job and be who I always am. Jasper the player. The fuckboy that everyone knew me to be.
As I entered the club, I spotted Ezra taking care of a customer. He smiled and conversated. When he caught sight of me, that smile fell from his face. I rolled my eyes and stepped behind the bar.
"What can I get you??" I said but I didn't hear the reply. I was too focused on Ezra. The way he moved, the way his hair fell over his eyes, the curve of his lips, everything about him was distracting me.
"Hello?!" The customer was angry.
"I'm sorry. What can I get you to drink??" I redirected my attention to my job.
"One beer."
I smiled and did my best not to glance over at Ezra.
"Here you go. Sorry for the wait."
The night was long and exhausting. The whole time was spent avoiding him. When I really just wanted to be with him. Touching him.
I took a break and headed to the back of the club like I always do. Stepping outside, the cool air felt nice on my skin. The door opened and Ezra steps out. He says something under his breath. Probably, a few cuss words.
"I can leave. I already got some fresh air." I said. I stepped towards the door but he was blocking the way.
"That's all you have to say to me??" He finally spoke.
"Yeah, that's all I have to say. So, can you move out of the way." I said. He narrowed his eyes and glared at me in disbelief.
"Fine, but we're over. I'm breaking up with you, Jasper."
Nothing prepared me for the hurt I'd feel, hearing those words. It felt like a punch to the gut. It fucking hurt.
"Why are you so upset about this?! We were just fucking!! You and I, were just fucking around. That's all." I snapped. Wrong choice of words but it's me and of course, I fuck up everything. The look in Ezra's eyes was intense. I took a few steps back and looked to the side to avoid the pain behind them.
"I'm going to warn you once, Jasper. Once. Never accuse me of using you like some fuck buddy. That's not the man that I am.
You and I both know that I made love to you. You might be too chicken shit to admit it but we were in a fucking relationship. I invested 100% of my fucking heart. You want to tell yourself lies to make yourself feel better for being so shitty to me, fine but when you see me you'll be reminded of the cold truth. You were gay for me and you loved every minute of it." His words rang true. Which only made me feel worst. 
"I might have had a speech like you a few days ago, had you picked up the phone or opened your damn door but clearly, I didn't matter all that much to you. So, save your bullshit speeches for someone else, E."
Ezra took deliberate steps towards me. His hands clenched into fists. I couldn't read his face.
"What could you possibly had to say?? I was there. I saw it with my own eyes. It was hard to miss a chick blowing you in the middle of the room. There's nothing that you could have said after that." He confronted me.
"Then you must have seen that I certainly didn't want it to happen. I was crying like a bitch, frozen to my seat. I panicked. I was pushed into a corner and I didn't know what to do." I blinked away the tears that were threatening to fall. I couldn't do this at work. This conversation is too much for me to deal with right now. I stepped to the side to leave but Ezra blocks me. Now I'm getting angry.
"This conversation isn't over. You don't get to leave just because it's difficult." He said.
"What do you want from me, Ezra?! I fucked up. You hate my guts. You broke up with me. There's nothing more that I can do. I'm sorry, ok?? Just let me go. I can't do this at work." I pushed him out the way. He stumbles back but still doesn't let me open the door.
"Yes, you fucked up big time and maybe I should hate you. I sure as fuck want to hate you but I don't. I'm still madly in love with you. I just don't know how we can fix this. The damage is done. You broke my heart, Jasper."
His words were the punch to the gut I deserved. The tears fell freely down my face now. He may not hate me but I surely do. I hurt the only person that meant a damn thing to me. I gently place my hand on his face and looked deeply into his brown eyes.
"I'm really fucking sorry. I should have been a man and sent them all to hell. If I could go back in time, I would have done everything differently. You are the last person I ever wanted to hurt. I don't deserve you. You're too good for me. I'm really sorry." My voice cracked but every word was heartfelt. I kiss his forehead and wiped away the wetness on my face with my hands.
"Take care of yourself, E."
"Why does that sound like goodbye forever??" He whispered. I didn't have an answer for him. Instead, I opened the door to the back of the club and walked straight to management. My boss looked at me with a questioning expression.
"I quit." I said. Just as swiftly as I walked in, I walked out. I grab my belongings and hop in my car. I drive aimlessly for hours. I finally stop at a gas station and realize I have driven out of the state with nothing but the clothes on my back. I grab a few cases of beer and place them on the counter to pay for them. The cashier rings me up. I hand the old guy some cash and don't bother to wait for change.
Eager to hop back in my car and drink my troubles away like the fuck up that I am.
An hour later, I've drank a case of beer and cried like a baby the whole time. Sobbing and drowning deep in my self loathing. I don't deserve to live. That's when the idea comes to my head. I hit the brakes abruptly and put the car in park. This bridge is my way out. I exit my car and climb the ledge. I could hear my phone ringing but I don't care. People are watching from their cars. Some on their phones, probably calling the police. I count to three, close my eyes and let my body fall. In that moment, before I hit the water, I had one last thought. How much I regretted never being able to tell Ezra that I'm in love with him. Then there was nothing. I was swallowed up whole in a dark abyss.