Love to Hate You

Chapter 19

JASPER'S POV
After Ezra called Lily, it didn't take her long to come and see me.
"Jassy!!" She exclaimed with excitement.
"Lily, you know I hate it when you call me that." I said but she just laughed it off. Ezra stood around smiling at our interactions and sibling banter.
"Alright, babe. I'm going to get some coffee. I'll be right back." He said. My sister looked at me wide eyed. Ezra hadn't even realized what he called me but I did. I knew my sister would have questions but I wasn't afraid to answer them. Not anymore.
"Go ahead. Ask your questions. I know you're just dying to know." I told her.
"He's in love with you, you know." She said but all I could do was smile.
"He better love me or I'd make a pretty annoying stalker." I laughed at my own joke. Lily just continued to stare at me incredulously.
Speechless. Her reaction annoyed me. Why was it such a big deal??
"Lillian, he makes me happy. So, shove your judgments up your ass. K??"
She smiled at my remark and started to squeal like a high school teenager.
"Oh my god, Jassy!! Tell me everything!!" She giggled.
"No, no, no, no!! We're not having a girl talk. I'm not a chick. I'm not going to start wearing dresses or anything like that. I just so happen to love a guy. That's it." I said.
"Oh my god!! You love him?!" She shouted.
"Keep your voice down. He doesn't know it yet. I'm not even sure if we're in a relationship." I groaned. She quickly covered her mouth with her hands. I noticed she wasn't wearing a wedding ring. Something about that gave me great relief. My sister deserved better than Jonah.
"Why didn't you get married??" I changed the subject. Lily lets her hands fall to her lap. Her facial expression turned sad.
"I postponed the wedding. I wanted a few extra days to think. Plus, I wanted my brother to be there." She said.
"I'm sorry, Lily." The guilt I felt was unbearable. I hadn't even thought about how my sister would feel. I hadn't thought at all.
"It's ok because now that you're free to go, we'll have time to spend together. My wedding doesn't even matter." She smiled.
Just then Ezra walked back in the room with an officer. I raised an eyebrow and shot him a what-the-hell-is-going-on look.
"Time to remove the handcuffs." The officer said, answering my silent question.
As soon as my hands were free, I rubbed my wrists. My first thought was to use them to pull Ezra's face closer to me and kiss his full lips. I didn't do that, however. I wasn't sure if he wanted to kiss me. Not after all of this. My hospitalization didn't change anything. I still fucked up and he's still heartbroken about it. He's only here because I fucked up again.
"Are you ok??" Ezra's voice interrupted my thoughts.
"Yeah, get me the hell out of here." I said as I began to rip off the wires attached to my body. My sister and the officer left the room so that I could dress myself. I'm surprised that the hospital released me so soon but I'll count my blessings and just be glad to get out of this hell hole.
"Need help??" Ezra said. I didn't need any help but I nodded anyway. He untied the hospital gown on my back. I could feel his eyes devouring my naked back side and I mentally begged for him to touch me but he didn't. I turned around to face him and dropped the gown on the floor, revealing myself to him. He gulped and did his best not to stare. His face blushing.
"Nothing you haven't seen before, E." I smirked.
"Jasper." He warned.
"My name sounds so good on your lips."
Ezra turns away and covers his face with his hands.
"Put your clothes on, Jasper. Before I lose my self control."
I couldn't stifle the laugh that erupted out of me. He was so cute all hot and bothered.
I loved that I still had that effect on him. I put my clothes back on and pat him on the shoulder.
"You can look now. I'm dressed." I said with a smile.
"You did that on purpose. I was trying to be a gentleman." He said all flustered.
"You are a gentleman. I just couldn't help but tease you. I mean look at those pink cheeks on a guy who looks like the lead singer in a hardcore metal band." I laughed, pinching his cheek. He smacked my hand away.
"I was the lead singer in a hardcore metal band. In high school. Back when my hair was long." He said as we walked out of the hospital and towards his motorcycle.
"Tell me you have videos of this!!"
Ezra was amused with my interest in his life. He hopped on his bike with me behind him and sped off. Our bodies pressed together felt so good. We arrived at a hotel. He parks his motorcycle and grabs my hand. I was surprised at first but I didn't say anything about it. We walk inside the building like this. Just holding hands casually. The small action had my heart racing. He glances at me a few times with a sexy smirk on his face that made me weak at the knees. He unlocks a door and leads me inside to his room.
"I figured you'd want to shower and change. I have clothes you can wear." He said.
He was right. I was uncomfortable in the clothes I tried to kill myself in and I desperately wanted to wash off the hospital smell on me. Ezra takes some clothes out of a bag and hands them to me. Everything still had tags on like he had bought them recently.
"Will you join me??" I blurted out before truly thinking about what I said.
His eyes met mine, like he was actually thinking about it.
"If I join you, it'll be strictly to bathe you. Which I know isn't what you truly want. We can't stress your heart. So, no. I won't be joining you. I want to join you but I don't trust myself not to have sex with you."
"You want to have sex with me??" I asked, shocked by the revelation.
"Is that a trick question??" He asked.
"I'm just going to get straight to the point. You broke up with me but you're calling me 'babe' and doing things for me. Now you're implying you would have sex with me and I just need to know what it all means." I said as I paced around the room. He grabs my shoulders.
"Yes, I did break up with you but that doesn't mean everything just goes away. I'm still attracted to you. I still love you but I can't just jump right back into the way things were between us. You tried to kill yourself. I'm angry about that. You gave me some bullshit goodbye and then you jumped off a bridge."
There it was. The elephant in the room. Reality reared it's ugly head. I would have to explain myself. Why I fucked up again. I tried to build the courage to say something. Anything. I hate it when Ezra is angry with me. He let go of my shoulders and sat down on the bed.
"I was drunk, E."
"Bullshit. It was more than that. Was it me?? What pushed you to do such a thing??"
I couldn't look at his face. It filled me with guilt.
I never thought I'd have to explain a suicide attempt because I didn't think I would survive. Now I'm staring the consequences of my actions dead in the face and I didn't like it.
I sat in the chair by the window, looking down at my hands.
"I just thought that I didn't deserve to live. All I do is hurt people and it fucking sucks. So, I thought if I end my life then everything would just stop. I just hated that I hurt you and I just couldn't live with myself anymore." I said as tears slowly fell. Ezra got up and kneeled before me. Wiping away my tears with his hands.
"You're the most infuriating person I've ever met. It's like you don't hear me at all. You are human, Jasper. You're allowed to fuck up sometimes. Yes, I'll be upset occasionally but none of that will change my love for you.
I shouldn't have broken up with you. That was my mistake. I didn't even mean it. Almost losing you reminded me of just how short life really is and I don't want to live it without you." He said softly.
Stunned by his words, I remained speechless for a brief moment. I parted my lips to speak but closed it when nothing would come out. My voice was stuck in my throat. My heart beating wildly in my chest. Finally, the words rolled off my tongue.
"I love you." I said. Then it was Ezra's turn to be speechless. "My last thought before I hit the water was you. How much I am in love with you. It sounds stupid saying it out loud."
Ezra shook his head.
"It's not stupid. It's not stupid at all." He said with a smile so wide. He leaned into my face and kissed my lips softly. It was a simple kiss but filled me with a soothing warmth that I could only describe as love. His kiss filled me with a love so big that my heart felt it would burst with happiness. It was a foreign feeling but I welcomed it nonetheless.
I could feel the colors slowly seeping back into my life. The tears that fell from my eyes now, weren't of sadness any longer. Ezra was perfect. Perfect for me. I didn't care who knew it now. Fuck, let the whole world know.
His precious brown eyes looked deeply into my blue ones. Silently, he pulled me to my feet and lead me to the bathroom. He turned the shower on first then proceeded to undress me until I stood naked in front of him. My skin screamed for his touch. I couldn't hide my arousal.
"I'll be right outside the door, if you need me." He said.
"You're not going to stay??" I frowned.
"I want to stay. God, do I want to stay but it's a bad idea. Your health comes first." He stepped out and closed the bathroom door. I just stood there for a few minutes, staring at the door and hoping that he came back in but he didn't. Honestly, I shouldn't have expected anything less from Ezra. His morality and kind heart were golden. He never did anything wrong. He kept his promises, stayed faithful and loyal. Unlike me, who got drunk, broke hearts and never gave a shit about anyone. All of that was changing though. I stepped into the shower and let the water fall on my body. I thought about pleasuring myself but instead, I shifted the temperature of the water to as cold as it could get. Scrubbing myself down with soap, I mentally groaned. Stupid recovery. Stupid heart. Stupid boner. Everything was stupid.
I rinsed off and looked for a towel but there wasn't any. I heavily sighed, rolling my eyes at the same the time. I walk out dripping wet.
"Ezra, where are the towels??" I said but he was asleep. I didn't even think about all the restless nights he must have had while I was in the hospital. I grab a blanket and tuck him in. Looking around the room, I found folded towels on the table. I grab one and dry myself. When I am done doing that, I put on the clothes Ezra gave me.
"Ah, shit. I fell asleep." Ezra said. I walk over to his bed side and sit on the edge. 
"You looked so peaceful. I didn't want to wake you." I said. His brown eyes looked at me adoringly but I could also see the sadness that stole the light in them. The dark circles from lack of sleep, evidence of the hell I put him through. Guilt was crawling up my spine like the fingers of decay and strangling my heart. I really fucked up.
"You should have woken me up, Jas. We have things to do." He said, sitting up on the mattress. I looked away from his face, I couldn't bare to see what I had done to him.
"What is there to do?? Besides, get my car back." I said. He reached over and gently turned my face to his but I closed my eyes.
"Are you ok??" His voice was etched with worry. "Why won't you look at me??"
I hated that I began to cry silent tears. When did I become so emotional?? I tried to pull away from Ezra but he wouldn't let me go.
"How can you stand the sight of me?! All I do is hurt you." I said.
"Hey, look at me. I love you. We're going to get through this together." He said, wiping away the tears from my face and kissing my lips softly. I deepen the kiss, passionately swirling my tongue in his mouth and sucking his lips. He moaned, the need to have him growing with every second that passed. My hands found the hem of his shirt and slid under, touching his skin. Instantly heat rushed between my legs until I was fully erect. I kissed and sucked on his neck leaving my mark on his skin.
"Jasper, we need to stop." He said but I didn't want to stop and neither did he. I place a hand on his crotch and can feel the hard bulge there.
"You want me. So, have me." I said against his neck.
"Fuck, Jasper. I said stop." He said. I instantly pulled away and stopped touching him. I stood up from the bed and put distance between us.
"Ok, I'll stop." I said, my hands up feigning surrender.
"Your health is important to me. We won't be able to do anything for a few weeks."
"A few weeks?! Ezra, you're kidding. Right?? You can't be serious." I said. He got up and walked over to the mirror hanging on the wall.
"I'm entirely serious, babe." He said, touching the mark I left on his neck. All I could think about was giving him more. How was I supposed to resist the sexual urge I have for him, when he looks like he's been sculpted by the sex gods.
"Bring a man back from the dead and give him hell on earth, instead." I groaned.
"You can't take matters into your own hands either." He said.
"Oh but you can?! That's not fair."
"Yeah. Well, I didn't jump off a bridge. Did I??" He said, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the exit.
"Low blow, Ezra."
"Let's go. We have to get your car and make the long ass drive back home." He said, walking down the hall of the hotel with my hand in his. I wondered if he would make a habit out of holding my hand in public. I admit, it felt natural but it didn't stop my heart from beating erratically.